LEO
A torrid all-night sex session with your new boyfriend puts paid to your
New Year's resolution to stop smoking.
VIRGO
You can't believe your luck when, walking down a darkened lane late at night
armed only with a 3lb cricket bat, you bump into the person who invented
the stump microphone that records everything Ian Healy says.
GEMINI
You dream of driving through tortuous European mountain roads at high speed
in a powerful red Porche with a naked Natalie Imbruglia by your side, only
to meet a sticky end.
JOHN HOWARD
You fear your wife is starting to suspect something because of that look
you get on your face during that nightly dream where you frolick unashamedly
and undetected deep in the undergarments of Queen Elizabeth 2 of England
while she officially opens the British Parliament.
LIBRA
After a tragic accident claims the life of your better half, Rian, you spend
days going up to perfect strangers, holding your index finger to your mouth
and saying: “Shhhhhh.”
CHER
As you leave your dress designer after trying on the outfit you plan to
wear to this year’s Academy Awards, you wonder why you are paying $50,000
for 130 cms of dental floss threaded with sequins.
SUNLANDER
Sorry, we had a prediction here for you, but you’re too late.
SCORPIO
Dyslexic people often mistake you for that 1970s film starring La Nopica
about a corruption-busting Wen Kyro cop.
SAGITARRIUS
You score tickets to the Logie Awards and your disappointment when you miss
meeting Daryl Somers in person early in the night is rivalled only by your
disappointment later on when you do.
TAURUS
A lifelong and devoted Christian, you lie awake at night reassessing your
belief in a just and fair God after six sailors die tragically in the Sydney
to Hobart Yacht Race and not one of them is Stan Zemanek.
VIRGO
Sticking to your New Year's Resolution about giving up self abuse makes
you so proud that you decide you've got to hand it to yourself.
LIBRARIAN
Even you lie awake all night wondering what the hell the Libra star at the
start of this column meant.
