Fordham: Hello operator, I'm still waiting.
Taylor: (Chewing noises)]
Fordham: Should I ring back?
Operator: I'll try the room again.
Taylor: (Chewing noises)
Fordham: Tubby?
Taylor: (Chewing noises).
Fordham: Operator, what's going on here?
Taylor: (Chewing noises)
Fordham: Tubby? Is that you?
Taylor: (Chewing noises) Mate?
Fordham: Tubby?
Taylor: Mate, how are you? Mate, I'm almost outta gum. You've (chewing noises) got to get some supplies over to me in this stinking hell hole. I can't get by without my gum.
Fordham: I sent you a case yesterday.
Taylor: Got those. I really need some more pronto. It's hell (chewing noises) over here.
Fordham: Okay, I'll send another crate. That was a great knock today, Tubby.
Taylor: Yeah, thanks mate. It was pure (chewing noises) poetry. I really had my eye in today.
Fordham: The good one?
Taylor: Yeah. Seeing 'em like watermelons.
Fordham: Good on ya., Tubby. Three hundred and thirty four big ones, eh? Brilliant.
Taylor: (Chewing noises) Yep.
Fordham: It must have been tempting to declare an hour before stumps? Having the Pakis two for at stumps after two days in the field would really have sent us up for a victory? That's what Chappelli woulda done.
Taylor: Mate, they were bowling long hops all day long. Even Junior (enigmatic strokemaker Mark Waugh) could have made runs here if he'd put his head down.
Fordham: Sure. Get stuck into 'em first thing tomorrow and you could have 'em well and truly on the ropes by lunch.
Taylor: No mate. I'm gonna bat on. There's runs there for the taking. Maybe even overtake Lara (brilliant but troubled West Indian strokemaker Brian Lara). Who knows?
Fordham: Shit, Tubby. Enough's enough. Have a bowl, for Christ's sake!
Taylor: Aw, mate, you couldn't believe what it's been like the last two days. I've been playing five inches down the wrong line every singly ball and still hitting 'em in the middle sweet as a nut.
Fordham: There's only three days left.
Taylor: (chewing noises) I reckon six hundred's not outta the question come tea on the fourth day. No bastard'd ever overtake that record.
Fordham: Mark, don't you think you should...
Taylor: Hold on a minute, wouldya mate? Yes, Darrers? (exciting South Australian strokemaker, Darren Lehmann).
Lehmann: Look, skip. The back's coming along a treat! Watch this.
Lehmann: 1..2...3...4...5...6..7..8..9..10.... Ten pushups with only one hand. Not bad, eh?
Taylor: Not bad, Darrers. I reckon you're a pretty good show for the next Test. I really do.
Fordham: Tubbs, you've gotta have a bowl first thing.
Taylor: No mate, it's.... Oh, for fuck's sake. Hold on a tick, will ya? Yes Junior?
Junior: (indiscernible)
Taylor: (loudly) Okay youse guys. Enough's enough. Who's stolen Junior's hair spray and blowdrier again?
Test side: (indiscernible noises).
Taylor: I'm buggered why they do that. Every time just before Junior goes out to bat, someone steals his haircare products. They must know it upsets him to the point where it always affects his batting.
Fordham: Tubby. You've got to have a bowl first up. It's the best thing to do.
Taylor: Mate, I haven't seen runs as easy to come by since.... Hold on. Yes, Waughsie? (team stalwart and run scoring machine Steve Waugh)
Waugh: I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me.
Taylor: Well, just don't do it again okay. Junior! (loudly) We've found your hair care products. Sorry, mate. Now where were we?
Fordham: You've gotta put 'em in first up. Bit of life in the wicket and all that....
Taylor: Seeing 'em like watermelons I am, mate.
(Pause)
Fordham: You know, Tubbs. Matching the Don's record score is one thing; beating it might not be the wisest thing to do...
Taylor: Mate, I was playing (chewing noises) cover drives that went for four to fine leg and looked like they meant to go there all along.
Fordham: You know Tubbs. If you declare over night, you'll always be linked to Bradman's 334 not out at Headingley 68 years ago.
Taylor: Mate, over the last 12 hours of play I couldn't get an edge if my life depended on it.....
Fordham: Mate, I really think it's in your best interest if you...
Taylor: Yes, Kasper ? (feared Queensland spearhead Michael Kasprowicz).
Kasprowicz: (indiscernible).
Taylor: Well, that's a very nice thought, Kasper. And, yes, they are a little sore after all that running in the middle. The lotion's over in my locker. Oooh Waah! (legendary speedster Glen McGrath, Glen McGrath Oooh Waah!) knows where it is. You were saying, mate?
Fordham: If you declare overnight, you and the Don will always be...
Tayor: You've got a nice touch, Kasper.
Kasprowicz: (indiscernible).
Taylor: Kasper, you've got a great chance of playing in the next one. You really have. Sorry, Fordo. What was that?
Fordham: Declare and you'll always be linked to the Don.
Taylor: Australians will always think of our two respective knocks as equal?
Fordham: Sorta.
Taylor: Bradman and Taylor. Taylor and Bradman.
Fordham: That's right.
Taylor: The Mark. Sounds good, doesn't it?
Fordham: You've got it.
Taylor: Mmmn. No, fuck it. I'm going to bat on. (pause) Still, do you think we'll always be thought of in the same breath if I declare now?
Fordham: Just about.
Taylor: Two of the greatest knocks of all times ... and identical.
Fordham: Almost, Tubbs. To be fair, Bradman scored his runs in half the time.
Taylor: But both 334 not out.
Fordham: True enough. Bradman let the Poms put an extra stump either side of the wicket after every hundred though.
Taylor: (singing) Our Mark Taylor, da da daa da is he any good?
Fordham: Played from 150 on using only a fiddlestick as a bat.
Taylor: Da da darr da dah dahh dar. Da dah dar dha darrr dar daaaa.
Fordham: Let them play one hand, one bounce as well.
Taylor: Da da darr da dah dahh dar. Da dah dar dha darrr dar daaaa.
Fordham: The Mark and The Don. The Don and the Mark.
Taylor: Mmmnnn. No, bugger it! Let's go for the record.
Fordham: You know, Tubbs. If you declare now, I wouldn't be surprised if The Australian puts you up as Australian of the Year for such a noble and unselfish gesture.
Taylor: Probably bigger than watermelons if the truth be know.
Fordham: I wouldn't be surprised if Peter Charlton wrote a piece in the Courier-Mail saying that in any poll for a president for a future Australian republic, you'd be an absolute shoo-in.
Taylor: Who's Peter Charlton?
Fordham: Mate, it's really in your best interest to declare overnight.
Taylor: Seven hundred's not beyond me the way they're bowling at the moment.
Fordham: I'd say at a conservative estimate it's worth a million to you in book sales alone if you declare overnight and share the record with Bradman..
Taylor: Let's have a bowl.