No beating about the Bush....

The Bug rushed to the Texas Governor's mansion at his invitation to talk to the man most likely to be the next leader of the free world. Affable and sporting three large facial band-aids where he claimed he had cut himself eating, George W. Bush opened up about his plans for the White House where his father last reigned as supreme commander in 1992.

Bush: Guttenmorganstien!
The Bug: Pardon?
Bush: Guttonmarstenstreig?
The Bug: Mr Bush, we're from Australia, not Austria.
Bush: Australia? Now look, pal, this interview is going to end right here and now if you're from one of those Commie papers always trying to trick me up. During the campaign, some smart ass, upstart cub reporter asked me whether I knew that Berlin was the capital of London. I mean, heck, my campaign people had honed me up on all the usual stuff papers try on, like 'what's the current price of a loaf of milk?' But who would have expected that one, goddammit! But you should have seen the look change on that smug asshole's face when I got it right.
The Bug: Australia? Down Under? Kangaroos?
Bush: Can I phone a friend?
The Bug: Where John Newcombe hails from?
Bush: Newk! Now that boy could drink. Whoooeeee! Almost cost me the election, that bastard! So you're friends of Newk. Why didn't you say so? Hey, want some coke?
The Bug: We'd better not. It's a bit early, don't you think?
Bush: Coca-Cola.
The Bug: That'd be nice.
Bush: (presses intercom) Martha, get in here pronto with a pitcher of coke! And better get us some candles and a torch too. It's gonna be a fun night – but a long one, I fear.
The Bug: Why's that? (lights dim for several seconds) Heck, what was that, a power failure?
Bush: No, just the pen down the road giving Old Sparky a test run for later. (checks wristwatch) Gosh is that the time? Wait here please boys. I'll be back soon.
The Bug: (two hours later) That actually leads on to one of the questions we wanted to ask. You've signed off on hundreds of executions in your term as governor. How can you be so sure that you've got everything right?
Bush: There's been no whites.
The Bug: No, right. As in how can you be so sure they were all guilty.
Bush: Well, we fried them didn't we? Anyone for a top up? (knock at door) Goddammit! Now what? This had better be important, Martha! Judge Wincombe from the Texas Court of Appeal? (checks wristwatch) Tell him I'm in the john and to call back in 10. Now, boys, where were we?
The Bug: You even had to sign off on several state executions during the recent presidential campaign. Some media footage gave the impression the procedure almost gave you a buzz, that you thought it was all a bit of a hoot?
Bush: Just basic stump politics, fellas. A big majority of Americans favour the death penalty so naturally I've got to humour them but, heck, no, (checks wristwatch) of course it gives me no pleasure whatsoever to have to approve a fellow human's death no matter how heinous a crime they've been duly found guilty of by 12 of their peers, tried and true, and .... (lights dim for 20 seconds) Whooeeeee! Now that one was for real! How ya feeling, Leroy H Watkins the Third? Getting a little hot under the collar!
The Bug: Who's that?
Bush. Who was that. Black bastard that killed a clerk in a two-bit store robbery eight years ago – little town just near here, actually.
The Bug: And you had no doubts about his guilt?
Bush: Nosireeebob. That's why....... (knock at door) goddammit, Martha, what now? The warden? Okay, put him through. Excuse me for a second. Hello, President-elect Bush here. Yes Orville? Huh huh. Sure, that's right. I said you could call if it was really, really important. Well, goddammit Orville. I told you guys not to try to fry him while he was still in his wheelchair. Now here's what I want you to do, Orville. Just strap him in like you should have done in the first place and with a double dose of juice. It's not that difficult is it? And Orville .... get your troopers to confiscate any goddam pictures the bleeding heart media might have taken. You ever heard of a dead man pushing, Orville? No, I didn't think so. Oh, yes, and Orville, you'd better put your clock forward 20 minutes down there. Huh huh. And goodnight to you, too. (slams down phone)
The Bug: Perhaps we should talk about the Florida situation. You said you would never bring the courts into play and yet here you are trying to prevent a Florida recount by hand...
Bush: Ah yes, Flori......(lights dim for 20 seconds then go out for a further 30) Zaparoonneeee, Leroooooy! How did you like them apples? Cajun coon, southern-style! But yes, you're right. The sooner the Democrats accept the will of the American people and concede defeat ... (knock at door) Oh, for fuck's sake, Martha! What now! The pen again? Excuse me, boys. Hello Leroy. Good job. Now get that chair cleaned up pronto. What! You haven't dispatched Leroy yet! Then what the fuck was that we just experienced here just now? A power failure, I suppose? It was? Damn!
The Bug: That'll happen, Sir.
Bush: So why are you wasting my time, Orville? The nigger's shaking so much you can't strap the skullcap on properly? Fuck, Orville, so help me, if I've got to come down there and blacken that boy's butt myself, I'll have your guts for gaiters as well! Got that? I believe it's called improvisation, Orville, it's why you get paid as much as you do. (checks wristwatch) And Orville? Don't ring here again tonight, not even if it's to report the other executions have gone off without a hitch. (slams down phone) Once again, fellas, my apologies. It's hard to get good staff down this way at the moment. But how about that Leroy, hey? Shaking his little black booties off.
The Bug: We'd be shaking too if we were about to be put to death.
Bush: Bullcrap. Leroy shakes all the time from the cerebral palsy he caught back in his childhood in some black city slum. His loony-left, court-appointed lawyers tried to make a big deal about that at his third re-trial, along with the childhood incest, the family massacre and the other crap these bleeding heart boys fresh out of college always seem to dig up when they're confronted with an open-and-shut case....Leroy was the only black man in the store at the time of the shooting (lights dim off and on for 50 seconds.) Thar he glows! Goddammit, boys, I just love being in public life and serving my country. (knock at door) But so help me, boys, the administrative side of politics can be a real pain in the ass. I'm not going to let it get me down, though, or it'll be the death of me. (checks wristwatch) Gosh , is that the time? Excuse me for just a moment ....