GORE HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW!

The Bug's team of political writers was invited into the White House for this exclusive interview with Democrat Vice-President Al Gore. The Vice President appeared relaxed and open in what must be a nail-biting time as he waits to see whether his life's work and his one over-riding ambition has come to nought.

The Bug: Thank you for inventing the internet.
Gore: You're welcome.
The Bug: And thanks for scheduling this interview at such short notice. We appreciate how busy you must be at the moment.
Gore: My pleasure. Always happy to help my very good close personal friends from Down Under. While Australia is the smallest of the world's continents, it is also the lowest, the flattest and apart from the Antarctica, the driest. In fact the average annual rainfall in Australia is only 165mm, although naturally enough in the wet subtropics of north Queensland....
The Bug: Yes, thank you Mr Gore. But if we could get back onto....
Gore: Australia's coastline, including of course, the island state of Tasmania, is approximately 23,859 kilometres, although if you add in the coastlines all of the country's many many offshore islands – and I don't suppose they could be anywhere but offshore for an island continent, hey, cobber? (laughs) – than the total coastline is a staggering 59,736 kilometres...
The Bug: Well Mr Gore, you certainly know a fair bit about Australia then. But as we said on the phone with your principal private secretary we want to concentrate on the presidential election outcome.
Gore: And fair enough too, hey, mate! If you like, we could do the rest of the interview in any one of the 20 major Aboriginal dialects I mastered while working as a jackaroo in the northern Territory in my 20s?
The Bug: No, sir, English will be fine.
Gore: Okay then. Fire away.
The Bug: First of all, thanks for seeing us in your White House office. We must admit it looks exactly like the Oval Office? Is it an exact replica?
Gore: Actually it is the Oval Office. Mr Clinton's not in Washington at the moment so I'm just giving it a test drive while I wait for my victory to be confirmed. Would you like a cigar?
The Bug: No thanks. We're allergic.
Gore: To tobacco?
The Bug: Seafood.
Gore: Fair enough. Right, blokes, we've only got 20 minutes so you fire the questions, I'll answer them in double quick time.
The Bug: Who's the girl under the desk?
Gore: I've got no idea. She was there when I came in this morning. I think she might be a trainee junior intern/staffer/aide sort of thing but I'm not sure.
The Bug: Shouldn't we get her a blanket... or something?
Gore: Exactly what I asked her earlier. But no, she says she's fine.
The Bug: Fair enough. Seeing we're in his office, we'll start with the obvious question. In hindsight and with his reputation as an astute election campaigner, perhaps Mr Clinton should have been used more widely and far sooner to garner you the votes you needed to succeed him?
Gore: Well, that was a judgment call that my campaign strategists and I, myself, had to make. You see, despite all the evidence to the contrary America remains a very moral country. We had to decide whether having Mr Clinton off the leash, as the political pundits call it, would only remind people in the conservative heartland of this great nation that he is, was a..., ah, has been, ah, how would you put it...?
The Bug: A mad rooter?
Gore: Well, yes.
The Bug: Always trying to stick his love mussel in the bearded clam? Forever making the ferret jump through the furry hoop? Poking the turtle head through the jade gates? Forever sinking the sausage or copping 40 lashes with the Robert Young?
Gore: Yes, quite.
The Bug: A glutton for the gutted rabbit? Always pointing percy at the presidential intern. Forcing the...
Gore: Yes, okay.
The Bug: But it didn't seem to do his popularity any harm?
Gore: Yes, dammit it. I'm sorry. Please don't use that cuss word in your article. We simply can't explain why he's still so much loved.
The Bug: So not using Mr Clinton, it would seem, has turned out to be an absolute cock-up?
Gore: I wouldn't use those words, no. But yes.
The Bug: You weren't averse to using sex to sell your own campaign though?After that first presidential debate against your Republican opponent, we thought you were going to give poor old Tipper a knee-trembler on the podium floor there and then. It looked like she was up to it, too. She was probably wetter than Tully in February.
Gore: Yes, I love my wife very very much. Can we please talk about the election result and what it means for the United States and the rest of the world as we move into the 21st Century?
The Bug: It seems to us that both you and Mr Clinton share the same problem – getting on top of the bush.
Gore: The election, please.
The Bug: Of course. America puts itself forward as the model democracy but this election has dispelled that to some extent, wouldn't you say? Days after the poll and still no result, accusations flying about of missing ballot boxes, misleading ballot papers, ethnic voters being harassed?
Gore: It's not good, that's for sure.
The Bug: You know, Mr Gore, if America had the Australian federal voting system, you'd have won handsomely.
Gore: Really?
The Bug: Yes. We don't think it's perfect either, mind, but our federal elections used a compulsory preferential system rather than your first-past-the-post model.
Gore: We've got the world's best system of democracy right here.
The Bug: Under our system, voters for Ralph Nader in states such as Florida would have been forced to give their second preferences once their primary vote was eliminated. Which would have meant of course, that they would have had to decide which of the two of you – Gore or Bush – were most likely to fuck up the environment the least.
Gore: So their votes flow on....?
The Bug: That's right. You'd be preparing your inauguration speech right now and Mrs Gore would be going over carpet and curtain samples for a complete White House overhaul.
Gore: What's this method called again?
The Bug: Compulsory preferential.
Gore: So under your system, the bloke who clearly won the popular vote – as I did on Tuesday – is assured of winning the top job?
The Bug: Not last time, no. That runt Howard got in with under 49 percent of the vote. But most times, sure. Quite often any way.