RIGHT OR RIGHTER!
MY COUNTRY:
RIGHT OR RIGHTER!
America is in for a roller-coaster four years if even half of the following predictions of our world-famous seer, Kisma Ayriars, for the incoming Bush administration come to fruition.
December 2000: With the vote finally tallied and Democrat presidential contender Al Gore some 200,000 votes ahead, Gore paints his Tennessee house white and declares himself President-popular. Legal authorities dismiss the idea, but Gores cites an obscure section of the US Constitution “or one of the normally unsung verses of the national anthem, I forget which. But I should know, I wrote it”.
December 2000: To bolster his claim of being an inclusive president, George W Bush announces that Democrat Senator Edward Kennedy will be appointed to the sensitive post of Secretary of State for Liquor Licensing and Bridge Reconstruction.
December 2000: Most mainstream Democrats decline Al Gore’s invitation to serve in his Cabinet-in-Exile. However, Cher accepts the position of Secretary of State and Martin Sheen agrees to play Defence Secretary.
January 2001: In a glittering inauguration ceremony and watched by his proud parents, George W Bush vows to ‘uphold the American Consideration to the best of my agility’.
January 2001: In a glittering ceremony in Tennessee and watched by a crew from America’s Funniest Home Videos, Al Gore is sworn in as President-popular. Former running mate, Joe Lieberman, declines to relinquish his Senate seat, so comedian Eddie Murphy is sworn in as Vice-President-popular.
January 2001: The junior Democrat Senator for New York State, Hillary Rodham Clinton, declares she will be devoting the next six years to serving the interests of the people of that state and that she has no intention of running for President in 2004.
February 2001: Bill and Hillary Clinton divorce.
March 2001: Big business applauds President Bush after he announces plans to double the Defense budget from $20 trillion to $35 trillion.
April 2001: The Supreme Court rules Al Gore must stop using the presidential anthem Hail to the Chief.
June 2001: The junior Democrat Senator for New York State, Hillary Rodham Clinton, declares she will be devoting the next six years to serving the interests of the people of that state and that she has no intention of running for President in 2004.
July 2001: In his first major foreign trip, President Bush pays tribute to ‘my close personal friend, Tony Blain, the Prime Motivator and all the peoples of Great Brisbane’. On a stopover in Austria he congratulates all Austrians on the magnificent job they did in staging the 2000 Olympics.
August 2001: On his first foreign trip as President-popular, Al Gore and Secretary of State, Cher, are forced to cut short high-level talks with the Mayor of Moose Jaw, Canada, in order to return their rental car before their “three-day weekend” deal runs out.
August 2001: President Bush’s nomination of his father and mother to fill two Supreme Court vacancies is rejected by Congress.
September 2001: The Supreme Court rules Al Gore cannot use the theme from Top Cat as his presidential anthem.
October 2001: Congress approves President Bush’s nomination of the Reverend Billy Graham and Tammy Baker to the two Supreme Court vacancies, raising even more eyebrows – some painted on.
November 2001: The junior Democrat Senator for New York State, Hillary Rodham Clinton, declares she will be devoting the next six years to serving the interests of the people of that state and that she has no intention of running for President in 2004.
December 2001: The Supreme Court of America rules in favour of the right of all women to choose between having children by natural birth or Caesarean section. President-popular Al Gore welcomes the decision, citing his own decision against using drugs during labour.
January 2002: Al Gore unveils new presidential anthem – Cher’s If I Could Turn Back Time.
February 2002: The junior Democrat Senator for New York State, Hillary Rodham Clinton, declares she will be devoting the next five years to serving the interests of the people of that state and that she has no intention of running for President in 2004.
March 2002: The Supreme Court of America outlaws consensual sex between homosexual adults and Democrats. Al Gore reacts angrily “both as a homosexual adult and a Democrat”.
April 2002: President Bush reacts angrily to ‘trashy’ media photos showing him asleep at his desk in the Oval Office, arguing that many of the world’s great leaders in history and Margaret Thatcher had the ability to take short cat naps throughout long and tiring days in the service of the public.
June 2002: Only months out from mid-term Congressional elections, public opinion polls show a 12 percent drop in popular support for President Bush, who immediately increases the Defence Budget by that amount.
June 2002: The Wall Street Journal and Jane's Fighting Ships both run editorials restating their view that President Bush is doing an excellent job.
August 2002: The junior Democrat Senator for New York State, Hillary Rodham Clinton, apologises for not reiterating back in May/June her declaration that she will be devoting the next five years to serving the interests of the people of that state and that she has no intention of running for President in 2004.
September 2002: Campaigning in California for the November Congressional elections, President-popular Al Gore speaks passionately about the dangers of tobacco.
September 2002: The Supreme Court of America rules that Green Party leader Ralph Nader didn’t have to get 5 percent of the vote at the last presidential poll to qualify for massive federal election funding after all and wishes him well in 2004 and any other election he wants to contest.
October 2002: President Bush reacts angrily to ‘trashy’ media photos showing him falling asleep while taking his daily two-hour afternoon jog.
October 2002: Campaigning in West Virginia for the November Congressional elections, President-popular Al Gore speaks passionately about the valuable contribution the tobacco industry makes to the US economy.
November 2002: The junior Democrat Senator for New York State, Hillary Rodham Clinton, declares she will be devoting the next five years to serving the interests of the people of that state and that she has no intention of running for President in 2004.
November 2002: In a crucial Address to the Nation on the eve of congressional elections, a beaming and proud George W Bush tells the American people of his achievements in office, especially having passed earlier in the week, for the first time ever, 12 billion points and level 5, The Unknown Abyss, in Satan Avenger 4.
November 2002: Democrats take control of both Houses of Congress at mid-term elections.
December 2002: Al Gore seen practising at a local shooting range just hours before President Bush is due to visit Dallas, Texas.
December 2002: President Bush’s motorcade speeds through Dallas streets – so he can get back to the hotel to watch Wheel of Fortune. Al Gore plunges to his death from an open window on an upper floor in the Dallas book depository building. Eddie Murphy sworn in as new President-popular.
January 2003: The junior Democrat Senator for New York State, Hillary Rodham Clinton, declares she will be devoting the next four years to serving the interests of the people of that state and that she has no intention of running for President in 2004.
March 2003: Florida Governor Jeb Bush refuses to resign after the lake behind his governor’s mansion is drained for earthworks repairs and workmen find 12 unopened ballot boxes from the 2000 polling booth at the West Florida Quays Retirement Complex/Synagogue for Rich Old Jewish People.
April 2003: The Supreme Court of America rules out all challenges to the Bush Administration’s controversial Clean the Land of Waters Act.
May 2003: Vice-President Dick Cheney dies of old age and the Bush administration begins the frantic search for someone capable of performing the job of President as effectively as Bush.
May 2003: Former President Ronald Reagan sworn in as Vice-President.
June 2003: The junior Democrat Senator for New York State, Hillary Rodham Clinton, declares she will be devoting the next four years to serving the interests of the people of that state and that she has no intention of running for President in 2004.
July 2003: President Bush reacts to a further drop in his popularity by appointing Democrat leading light Caroline Kennedy as Secretary of State for Civil Aviation and doubling the Defence budget.
July 2003: A crazed gunman shoots President Bush as he dozes at a breakfast reception for the visiting King William of England. The bullet, later dubbed the Magic Bullet Mark 2 by the trashy media, passes through the president’s left eye socket and exits through the top of his skull about 5cm above the right ear. The president makes a remarkable recovery and is back jogging that afternoon.
August 2003: The junior Democrat Senator for New York State, Hillary Rodham Clinton, declares she will be devoting the next four years to serving the interests of the people of that state and that she has no intention of running for President in 2004.
September 2003: The Supreme Court of America orders all states that have not yet resumed capital punishment to ‘fire-up ‘Old Sparky’ immediately or risk losing federal road and other infrastructure funding.
November 2003: President Bush doubles the Defense budget.
January 2004: President Bush doubles the Defense budget.
April 2004: President Bush doubles the Defense budget.
July 2004: United States declared bankrupt despite its number of new tanks, fighter planes and frigates.
July 2004: In a landmark case, the Supreme Court of America agrees with the arguments of leading civil liberties lawyers that the average time spent by prisoners on Death Row represents a cruel and unjust form of punishment. The court slashes appeal options by two-thirds.
August 2004: The junior Democrat Senator for New York State, Hillary Rodham Clinton, reluctantly accepts her party’s nomination to run for President.
August 2004: Hillary Rodham Clinton rules out Eddie Murphy as running mate and names former tennis champ Billie-Jean King as the Democrats’ nominee for Vice-President.
November 2004: Hillary Clinton elected President of the United States in a landslide.
January 2005: Nervous junior male aides at the White House sneak into the Oval Office and hide all the cigars.
