Dear Doctor Dick,
I’m sure you have had this question before but here goes.
I am one of I’m sure millions of men who would like to have
a bigger penis and I am thinking of having the surgery done. My
length is fine but my problem is the girth; it’s just not
fat enough. So I would like to know your thoughts on this and
where do I start to look for a surgeon in this field in southern
Florida? This type of doctor isn’t listed in the yellow pages
like the breast docs are, so any help would be great !
Thanks, Lance
September 30.
Doctor Dick replies: I didn't think there was much chance of someone named Lance not having a penis that wasn't long enough. But it sounds from your missive that perhaps your parents should have called you Javelin, eh? Whenever I'm confronted with a problem such as yours, which I might add is a common complaint, I always hark back to probably the most important Latin dictum of my own medical college years: long and thin, too far in; short and thick, does the trick. It's a beautifully crafted piece of Latin, is it not? And one which, to my mind, sums up the wicked humour that was obviously in possession of the good Lord above when he invented man with all those sensual nodes the length and breadth of the penis – and then designed as its occasional pouch a vacuous area almost devoid of any sensitivity whatsoever. You say your length is fine? Is it? Ram away for hours with a 12inch cervix crusher and most reliable research shows that you probably won't be invited back for a repeat performance ever, or at least until the bruising goes away. Equally, jab away with a pathetically thin piece of weaponry – like stirring a large vat of yoghurt with a fiddlestick – and you're likely to hurt women in a different way altogether and perhaps get hurt back in return with a tasteless comment such as 'who the hell did you think you were going to satisfy with THAT?!!!" You mentioned breast docs. It's a sad world, isn't it? All those women out there with really nice little breasts, stuffing up their bodies with dangerous implants just because they think men want women with really big breasts, which of course is absolutely true. The male version is a feeling of inadequacy over penis size. But what constitutes a good penis size: Johnny Holmes's pathetically rubbery and useless porn video appendage? Something shorter than your own, for example? But thicker like you want? A donut hole, or the donut itself? As thick as a cucumber? Baseball bat handle? Milk bottle base? Your worldly wise expert sexologist will repeat, just one more time before the next, that pleasuring a sex partner does not depend on having a penis roughly the dimensions of two soft drink cans on end but not quite as cold. Or as they say in Australia, 'she recoiled and her eyes bulged in terror as he approached the bed, holding out and about in front if him something that closely resembled a bulldog without legs'. For all the absurd human physiological design faults mentioned above, pleasuring partners doesn't have much to do at all with tumescence or dimensions. Just like your good doctor rarely gets letters from women complaining that their vaginas are too big, even though he's examined some who could rent their internal sex organs out as long-term storage facilities, he had never received one from a man saying that a partner has complained about the size of his tongue.
Dear Doctor Dick,
What is one way of penile enlargement? Give me details.
Johnny Smith (Sept 9)
Doctor Dick replies: You're rather short in more ways than one, aren't you Johnny? Please re-read my first answer in this column.
Dear Dr. Dick
I was told the normal male teenager masturbates 14 times a week.
I am 17 and wank more often, more like 21. Am I bonkers or just
horny?
Kris (September 28)
Doctor Dick replies: Holy bejesus man! Seventeen and twenty-one times a week! I think perhaps you'd better go an see your local GP. No-one your age should be sleeping that much.
Dear Doctor Dick,
I have a question. I masturbate about three to four times daily.
Is it harmful or will it be harmful to me in the future? I am
18 years old, I'm a male.
Thanks.
EF Sept 21
Doctor Dick replies: It will only be harmful in the future if you do it in pubic. By the way, where do you get the patterned rice paper you used to write to me?
Yo hi dr dick (Dear Doctor Dick),
You mention on your site you know how to enlarge your dick. I
currently have a six inch dick and would like it to be about 2"
bigger so if you could tell me the techniques I would be very
grateful. I have tried to find other free sites and found one
but with difficult and complicated language so if you could simplify
the course that to could be appreciated.
AC
September 23
Doctor Dick replies: I said I knew how to enlarge my dick. I never said anything about enlarging yours. Please refer to the first answer in this column.
Dear Doctor Dick,
I understand that hair growing around the anus is natural for
men, but I want mine removed. What should I do? Is it possible
to remove it myself, by shaving or waxing? Or, should I get it
done professionally? If so, what should I expect? Thanks.
Mark (Sept 18)
Doctor Dick replies: The presence of natural body hair seems to me to be an inadequate reason for wanting to remove your anus. Nevertheless, few letters to this column have made my eyes water, but congratulations: yours is one of them. Shaving sounds dangerous; waxing sounds painful; getting it done professionally sounds downright embarrassing even for a world-renowned sex therapist who's seen it all. What I'd do is go out and enjoy a very large beef vindaloo washed down with a hall-dozen pints of Guinness. Resist the temptation of a bowel movement all of the next day, and just before retiring for the night, lie naked on your back, except for a very tight pair of underpants, tuck your knees up firmly against your chest and use a cigarette lighter to ignite your methane emission. Please ensure all pets are locked out of the house for the procedure and that any household gas appliance has not been used for at least four hours.
Dear Doctor Dick,
A friend of mine is having oral sex with his wife. Both of them
are sure that they have not made sex with anybody else in their
life (16 years). Recently he has started oral sex and is fond
of intaking her vaginal fluids and she is swallowing his cum as
well. Is there any risk in doing this? Please advise.
GANGU
July 31.
Doctor Dick replies: There’s absolutely no
risk to you at all. As for your friend and his wife, there are
a number of serious medical conditions – heart disease and
diabetes to name just two – that can flow from being overweight,
so naturally it's always important to watch what you eat. They
may have to cut down on other meals or exercise more often. Another
problem for your male friend could be the fairly uncommon but
recorded condition of pubic hairball, which may require surgery
and has been known to kill, but then what a way to go.
Dear Doctor Dick,
I have a small penis about 6'’ long and I want (to know about
increasing it) because my girl friends are all saying how it's
so small.
Lynnda (August 14.)
Doctor Dick replies: I'm not quite sure how to break this to you gently, Lynnda, but something tells this old professional sex analyst there's a very good chance that not only is your "small 6in penis" in fact a clitoris, but it's an absolute whopper.
Dear Doctor Dick,
My nuts are shaped like watermelons instead of oranges. Is there
anything wrong with me? I've been too embarrassed to ask anyone.
Please help.
August 13
Doctor Dick replies: Better they be shaped like watermelons than sized like 'em, what! Nevertheless, you're a bit of a nutcase if you'd prefer your testicles to be oranged shaped. Most testicles I've come across, in my professional capacity naturally enough, are more elongated than round; more watermelony than citrus. You don't say what they taste like, and naturally enough, I'm not going to ask.
Dear Doctor Dick,
Why is a penis called a dick?
Name and date supplied but misplaced (0ct 4?)
Doctor Dick replies: One of the most absurd explanations I've heard is that many of the common nicknames for the human penis come from presidents of the United States. Feminists might be up in hairy armpits about the next statement, but I suspect this came about because the US president is the most powerful man in the world so it's only natural that the penis, one of the world's most powerful icons, should seek an association with such high political office. As I said, according to this theory, dick came into common usage in the presidential term of Richard M. Nixon. This may also have had something to do with the fact that Nixon's nose was about the size of an average penis if it had run flush head on into the side of a door. Of recent years of course, willy has come into vogue, a tribute to the current incumbent and soon-to-retire president, Bill "This cigar tastes funny!" Clinton. And in between, it became quite common for men to refer to their Johnson, no doubt hoping to go all the way with it, as Aussie Prime Minister of the time, Harold Holt, wanted to do with LBJ. But because this is a serious column dealing with serious problems I'll divulge the real answer. The dick was in fact named after one of my ancestors, “Dr” William (Willie) Dick. He was a barber in 16th century London and, like other barbers of the time, was a practitioner of blood-letting – a common form of treatment for a range of ailments. Willie Dick wrote one of the earliest know works of medical science – a book outlining, albeit in what would now be regarded as very basic detail, the human reproductive system. In 1567, Raphael married a German lass Fanny Furrberger and they had two sons, Prick and Cock, and a delightfully impish wee lass called Cunt.
Dear Doctor Dick,
How do I make my penis larger from four inches to eight?
Tutdown.
25.9.2000
Dr. Dick replies: Start using the metric system.
Dear Doctor Dick,
About a year ago I noticed a couple brownish coloured spots on
the head of my penis. I am 16 and am not sexually active.
I have experienced no awkward symptoms other than these mysterious
spots. What could they be and should I be worried?
Any information you could give me would be great. Thank you very
much.
Kyle G. (July 24)
Dr. Dick replies: Are you any relation to Kenny G? Never mind. Are you sure the two small brownish spots aren’t just your testicles?
Dear Dr. Dick:
Hi, I am 33 and I have a curvature of my penis that has
caused more than one girlfriend to complain. In fact, my last
girlfriend flatly refused to have any more sex with me after experiencing
a fling with a guy she said had a penis that matched her pretty
pussy better then my bent dick.
I have had a few complaints over the years and I have (just) about
had it! I don’t have Peyronie’s or however you say it
and my dick works fine; in fact, I enjoy sex and am only worried
that I may lose the opportunity to find the right mate simply
because she doesn’t like my dick. I know many would say you
don’t want a girl that thinks that way but I must say that
if I don’t like a girl’s pussy, I will not be very interested
in her.
What I need to know is: can a curved penis that has weak suspensory
ligaments be straightened and lifted? When erect, my penis points
to the ground, is hard, but I noticed the bottom chamber is not
very hard — only the two side chambers get really hard. Maybe
I have a blood filling problem or something.
The curve is about 40 degrees from base to tip.
This sucks and I really want to do something about it soon. What
drugs or other methods are available.?
Please let me know, I’ll try most things but I don’t
have a lot of money to go traipsing around the world trying things.
Thanks
JM
25.8.2000
Dr. Dick replies: Have you tried having sex upside down, or with a geometry teacher?
Dear Doctor Dick,
What is Peyronie’s disease?
August 11
Dr. Dick replies: French surgeon, François
de la Peyronie, named this condition in the mid-18th century.
It refers to the presence of plaque on either the upper or lower
side of the penis which hardens and causes the shaft to curve.
Repeated application of any reputable brand of toothpaste will
easily fix it.
Dear Doctor Dick,
Hello, this my first contact with Australia of any sort. I enjoyed
your web page and am going to try to read most of the info.
What I have read so far I found very interesting and I am sure
that I will enjoy the rest of the page.
I wish that I could sign off with an Aussie so long. But for now
I will be one of your readers in New Britain, Connecticut.
Walter (Sept 10)
Doctor Dick replies: Let me get this straight – you’ve got nothing wrong with your dick at all?
Because the following questions share a common theme, and because I shall be bulk billing for these consultations, I intend to make one response and answer them in sequence.
Dear Doctor Dick,
My girlfriend and I are planning to have sex but I am afraid that
she might say my dick is short and thin. Can you please give me
an advice how to make it bigger! I am desperate to know HOW! Please
email me.
Kidrockz (Sept 10)
Dear Doctor Dick,
I have a small penis about six inches long and I want about eight
cause my girlfriends are all saying how it’s so small.
LA (Aug 14)
Dear Doctor Dick,
Can you please email one of the methods to make my dick wider?
Billy Bob (Sept 18)
Dear Doctor Dick,
I am 26 years old married men from India, 100% vegetarian.
I have few problems: (1) my penis on erection is curved (2) I
have a weak ejaculation (sometimes maybe twice in a week I can
forcibly do sex) (3) my penis is normally around one inch and
around four on erection.
Now the problem with me is this that since India is an orthodox
country there is no possible medical treatment available freely.
Secondly, as you know we people are not that rich to have a credit
card and most of them want dollars which I don’t have and
even if I manage for money I don’t have a credit card.
I am in deep trouble, to tell you frankly this problem has made
me mental, weak and unsatisfied with my life.
Please help considering my problems? Hoping for any possible reply.
Rahul (Sept 24)
Dear Doctor Dick,
I am serious about learning about natural penis enlargement techniques.
As you are probably aware, there are numerous sites on the net.
They all seem to be American-based. Is there an Australian one
that you recommend?
I am not interested in surgery, pumps, pills etc – just exercises
to improve length and hardness. Is it expensive for a consultation
with you? I work near Fortitude Valley and would be interested
in a consultation if it is reasonable and you can give me serious
informed opinion. I would like to make my wife happier apart from
buying flowers. Please reply to my email with info or organising
a consultation.
Thanks for your time.
Yours Sincerely
Greg (Sept 19)
Dear Doctor Dick,
What is one way of penile enlargement? Give me details.
Johnny Smith (Sept 9)
Dear Doctor Dick,
My name is Aaron and I am a 19 year old college student currently
enrolled at The University of Kansas – GO JAYHAWKS!
I was wondering if you would tell me what is the best way to enlarge
my penis and improve my erections.
I have been on the net trying to find the information for free,
but all the sites want you to pay “$39.99”, and I think
it’s ridiculous to charge someone for this sort of information.
If you could help me I would really appreciate it, and so would
my girlfriend, Beth.
Thanks.
Aaron (August 4)
Dr. Dick replies: No, Really?, Too bad, Yes, Yes, Only if you are a minke whale, Okay, No, Only in summer months, With a small length of adhesive tape, And possibly a stainless-steel colander. AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST FOR ALL OF YOU ....PLEASE REFER TO THE FIRST ANSWER IN THIS COLUMN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Got a sex problem that needs fixing? Doctor
Dick can help.
Address your questions to Dr Dick, P.O. Box 696, Fortitude Valley.
Q. 4006, or drop him an e-mail.
