ARIES

You lie awake all night wondering why they never launch a space shuttle with seven people on board if it's overcast, yet all round the world passenger jets crammed full of hundreds of people take off in appalling conditions every minute of every day of the week.

STEVEN REDGRAVE

You are stripped of your Sydney Olympics gold medal - your fifth in five consecutive Olympics for Britain - when the International Rowing Association rules that the beergut you carried through your coxless four races was the equivalent of having an extra rower on board.

GEMINI

Your delight at returning to your local dentist after a four-year absence to hear the good news that you've got no cavities and be praised for your dental hygiene and brushing technique turns sour when he still manages to find $200 worth of Xrays and cosmetic tinkering

TAURUS

You can't believe your luck when, walking down a deserted and darkened laneway late at night and armed with a 3lb cricket bat, you bump into the person who first coined the phrase, Aussie, Aussie, Aussie! Oi, Oi, Oi!

SAGGITARIUS

Your bid to snare a slice of both the electronic games and gay markets fails when consumers fail to show any interest in your Pokeaman game.

ANGELA BISHOP

Despite being a young and well-paid entertainment reporter for Network 10 who mixes with the stars and gets paid to attend all the right parties, premieres and first nights both here and overseas, you are plunged into a deep depression when you suddenly realise in a few short years you’ll look just like your mother.

VIRGO

You are caught in a vicious circle of ever-increasing debt when you tear up your cheque book and switch to phone banking for its convenience, but overlook the fact you still have a rotary dial phone.

BONDY

You are driving along when suddenly you realise that even you can’t remember – and don’t even care – which country now holds the America’s Cup.

LEO

Your bankability in Hollywood – already low after the embarrassment of The Beach – fails to recover when you announce you’ve signed to star in Titanic II.

AQUARIUS

You can't believe your luck when, walking down a deserted and darkened laneway late at night and armed with a 3lb cricket bat, you meet the guy credited with inventing techno music.

CANCER

You lie awake at night wondering why the hosts of TV shows aimed at teenagers are always hyperactive, extroverted loudmouths, when their audience is overwhelmingly sullen and uncommunicative.

VIRGO

You fear you may be suffering from obsessive/compulsive disorder when you insist on washing your foreskin up to 30 times a day, even though you were circumcised at birth.