Lord Jim “Smith” is the mayor of an Australian city. He has to remain anonymous because he’s still in politics, although it would be extremely unlikely he’d ever lose due to the paucity of opposition in this northern but not too northern city. Read these startling extracts from his diaries soon to be published by Wanker and Toss, and gain an insight into a brilliantly manipulative mind as The Bug presents...

Lord Mayor Confidential

February 1997: Today at a press conference a journalist criticised an aspect of my administration. She was from Sydney, but that’s no excuse. Understandably the other journalists and I were furious. I know. I’ll go on talkback radio and make scurrilous remarks about her.

March, 1998: It was Clean Up Australia day today, so I called a press conference by the river. One of my assistants threw a rusted shopping trolley in the river and the TV crews filmed me pulling it out. Then we all went home.

June 1999: Some middle aged yuppies got the TV cameras in about my plans to demolish some damn fig trees along Kelvin Grove Road. This awoke my environmental and political sensibilities and I told the media the trees would be transplanted. I hugged the trees, hugged the professionals gathered around me, and cried as those beautiful ancient trees were sent to a tree-friendly zone I’ve designated at the Simpson Woodchip Works. Meanwhile, those fig trees along Nudgee Road are being demolished for the woodchip garden at the new Airport Commercial Estate. No vets or solicitors live out there.

August 1999: Many people are complaining that a lot of inner city suburbs no longer have any character, that all the migrants and battlers are being run out of suburbs and replaced by boring yuppy oxygen thieves. In order to make inner city suburbs more interesting I’ve decided to encourage more cafes and restaurants to open.

January, 2000: Today I opened the new Power-Art Museum. It’s a beautiful way to give people the impression we give a damn about the arts in Brisbane. So now if someone says there’s nothing to do in Brisbane but play pool and drink beer I can tell them to go to the Arts Museum. When they get there they can ask the box office staff what there is to do. The staff, all wearing black like artistic people do, will tell them they can go to the art gallery. When they go to the art gallery, if it’s open, they’ll see there’s nothing much in there. Or the staff might tell them they can see a play at one of the two theatres downstairs. Of course the plays won’t be on at that time or the seasons won’t have started. So they’ll be left with no choice but to go to the bar and have a beer and a game of pool.

March, 2000: I’ve got to think of some way to destroy the Exhibition. When people see the Exhibition they think of their history and cultural traditions. But year zero started with my term in office. History starts with me. I cannot let them see the past or else they’ll compare the present with it. I know. I’ll tell them we have to build a freeway through it. Yes, appeal to the Australian philosophy of utilitarianism. It’ll be for the good of the greatest number if we put a freeway through the Ekka. Eventually I’m moving the Ekka out to the boondocks where no-one will bother to visit it. Yes, a freeway will be perfect. And that’ll get rid of the circuses in Victoria Park as well.

September, 2000: I’ve fast-tracked the demolition of all historic buildings in Brisbane. Apart from reminding people they have a history, they give Brisbane a distinctive look. We can’t have that. Brisbane is an adolescent city that must conform to the way it thinks the other cities look. We can’t have an identity, so all the old Queenslander houses will be moved away like Aborigines. And I must do something about the Spring Hill Baths. While I’m at it I better knock down all the native forests and wildlife habitats around Brisbane and put up ugly Leggoland style residential estates.

October, 2000: Some cynical journalist at The Bug has been writing negative truths about me. This isn’t politically correct so I’m going to put a stop to it.