ROME: The Roman Catholic Church is to take immediate, positive steps to purge its ranks of pervert priests, the Vatican announced here today. The church will close down its entire worldwide operations by the weekend.

PARIS: A city cafe waiter had attempted to gyp a tourist out of his change after the tourist handed over a 100 franc note to pay for two coffees costing a total of only 36f, local police said 12,345 times here today.

LONDON: The Labour Party has regained the lead in opinion polls here, prompting Opposition Leader William Hague to boast that he not only once pulled 14 different women on the one night in his early 20s but 'did the businesses with all 14'.

TEL AVIV: Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Barak has dashed hopes of peace in the Middle East, saying he can't see how talks with Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat could possibly ease growing tensions on the West Bank and Gaza Strip. "How can you take seriously someone who's spent his entire life wearing a tea towel on this head," Barak said.

WASHINGTON: Al Gore and his wife have copulated in public on stage, moments after opponent Republican George "And I suppose you do know what the capital of England is?" Bush Jnr won their latest head-to-head debate. Analysts saw the copulation as an attempt to breathe life into the Vice President's faltering campaign just three weeks out from the United States polls. And there's bad news for both men with the latest Gallup Poll showing 72 percent of Americans wish they could vote for Dan "One potatoe, Two Potatoe, Three Potatoe" Quayle.