Dear Doctor Dick,
Hi. I'm 13 and I'm afraid that my penis is too small. So I took a measurement
and it's six inches. Is that a good size for a six foot, 13-year-old male???
Name and address supplied
April 12, 1999
Doctor Dick replies:
Six inches (in the old scale) is an excellent size for a thirteen-year-old,
regardless of how tall you are! As a general rule of thumb, you should expect
your penis to be roughly double that when erect.
Dear Doctor Dick,
I am 54 and it will still get hard. What is up?
Steve
March 20, 1999
Doctor Dick replies:
Your penis?
Dear Dr Dick,
My wife had a rather embarrassing experience recently and I want to let
your readers know about it. It involves the thoughtless and reckless use
of other people’s prescription drugs and the dangers that can pose.
Some weeks ago I went to a doctor with an erection problem – I had
the problem, not the doctor as far as I know. He, the doctor, prescribed
a course of Viagra for me. I must admit they worked a treat. But, last Saturday
night, my wife got it into her silly head to take a few herself. She said
later she wanted to see what they’d do for her sex life. Well, let
me tell you, they worked too well. The following morning – only a few
hours before we were due to go on a picnic with friends – she woke
to find her clitoris engorged and extended well beyond its usual size. It
was so large even I could find it. The best description of it I can think
of is something akin to the pointy end of a medium sized carrot. It was
rock hard and any attempt to touch it only made things worse. On the picnic
she did everything she could to hide it, even wearing a dress instead of
her usual shorts – which in itself prompted questions from our friends.
She told me later that having what seemed to be the world’s biggest
and hardest clitoris was the worst day of her life and she couldn’t
wait to get home and try to reduce its size. Now that it has reduced to
its normal size, I felt I should warn others about the risks involved in
carelessly taking drugs prescribed for others. I must say I like my wife
just the way she is and I don’t miss her huge and hard clitoris. Although
it did come in handy at the picnic when we discovered we hadn’t brought
one of those punch-type can openers to open a can of Golden Circle pineapple
juice.
Timely Warning,
Sandgate
Dr Dick replies:
Yes, there’s a lesson in that for all of us. I well remember
years ago when I was just a young and carefree medical student who regularly
sought and obtained drug samples from eager-to-please pharmaceutical company
sales reps. I was dating a very pretty young woman who was, shall we say
“adventurous” when it came to mind-altering substances. We went
away for a weekend at the Gold Coast and I came back to our motel to find
she had swallowed huge quantities of a male hormone tablet I had obtained
– for research purposes. After several days in hospital she was released
with no apparent side effects. We split up shortly after but remained very
good friends. In fact she ended up being best man at my wedding.
Dear Dr Dick,
Every night - and all night - I dreams of vaginas. Is this normal?
Troubled,
Middle Park, Victoria
March 10.
Doctor Dick replies:
It sounds to me like you might have a slit personality.
Dear Dr. Dick,
My boyfriend has a fascination with having anal sex. I always refuse his
request and he gets annoyed about that. He really enjoys getting his anal
passage tickled, so I’m confused. Is he gay?
Confused & Concerned
February 14
Doctor Dick replies:
It's a paradox of Australian society, is it not, that an unhealthy
percentage of Australian men find the thought of male homosexuality quite
repulsive and threatening, to the point where, not long ago in general society
and sadly still prevalent whenever rugby union re-unions are held, they
could be capable, under group and peer pressure, of physical attacks on
gay men. Yet if a woman waves her derriere in their direction, they're more
than happy for a bit of vegemite drilling or, to use medical parlance, performing
the chocolate cha-cha. It's not my field of expertise, naturally, but my
proctologist fellow professionals tell me that if you were to spend a night
sitting inside the human rectum on a stool and armed only with a small torch
and a good mystery novel to wile away the hours, there's bugger all to differentiate
between the male and female rectum. In other words, you'd be hard-pressed
to tell a couple of deluxe double beef, double bacon and extra beef burgers
and a half-dozen schooners - or for that matter a pumpkin and leek focaccia
and mineral water – from shit. So, no, your boyfriend is not gay because
he wants to have anal sex; being an Aussie male, he's probably just a hypocrite.
Neither does his desire to have his anal passage tickled in any way suggest
that you're going to spot him waving from a float at next year's Sydney
mardi gras. The male equivalent of the female G spot is best stimulated
by pressing on the anterior (upper) wall of the male rectal passage about
two finger knuckles in. You'll know if you hit the spot because his toes
will curl so violently that one or two of them will break and he'll propose
marriage just before passing out. It's refreshing to read an e-mail from
an Australian woman who actually pleasures her man in such a way, whether
you like doing it or not. The other one lives in Perth. Sadly, you don't
mention what you use to tickle his rear passage with - finger, tongue, feather
duster? - nor, most important of all, your home address.
Dear Doctor Dick,
You don't know me but I've always admired your column. I think the way you
get to the nitty-gritty of people's sex problems in a frank, disarming yet
kind way excites me no end. So much so that if we could ever get to be alone
together, I'd like to thank you personally by cooking up a big pan of scrambled
eggs, letting it cool off and then upturning the whole pan onto your genitals,
letting the juices run down over your testicles and right through the hidden
recesses of your butt cheeks. Then I'd spend a whole evening just sucking
and licking up all that scrambled eggs out of every nook and cranny until
you were so clean all over that you wouldn't even need a shower afterwards.
Admirer,
Name and address supplied
April 4, 1999
Editor's note:
Doctor Dick's column will be ghost-written by a locum until he
returns from urgently taken compassionate leave.
Got a sex problem that needs fixing? Doctor Dick
can help.
Address your questions to Dr Dick, P.O. Box 696, Fortitude Valley. Q. 4006,
or drop him an e-mail.
