SAGGITARIUS
You become the first person in the world to fall pregnant having cyber sex.

GEMINI
While watching a screening of Lolita at your local cinema with your spouse, Vice Squad police burst in and arrest you both for being sexually aroused during the paedophilia love scenes.

LEO
You get the fright of your life when, in the throes of sexual ecstacy, you accidently twist the base of your ten-year-old vibrator and it makes this strange, humming noise.

CAT STEVENS
It's not time to make a change, just relax, take it easy, you're still young, that's your fault, there' so much you have to go through.

TAURUS
Forced to do overtime at the last minute, you urinate at your work station and are sacked on the spot for gross incontinence.

VIRGO
As you sit on the toilet wondering if you'll ever discover the meaning of life, you wipe your arse and make an important breakthrough.

CAPRICORN
You can't believe your luck when, walking down a darkened lane late at night armed only with a 3lb cricket bat, you bump into Frank Warrick.

JOHN HOWARD
Depression sets in when Mark Taylor stops returning your nightly calls.

PETER BEATTIE
You wake up in a cold sweat yet again following this dreadful, recurring nightmare in which you make a decision that voters might not immediately recognised as core, ultra-conservative National Party policy.

JOE DI MAGGIO
You can't believe your luck when you wake up in heaven. It's a warm, summer's afternoon, and you're lying in a soft, grassy paddock, festooned with sweet-smelling flower petals. You turn over and there, naked beside you, is your beloved Marilyn Monroe, just as you have always remembered her for the past four decades, only she's in the middle of a very enjoyable sandwich with John and Robert Kennedy.