Dear Doctor Dick,
I have been told that it is all right to masturbate, but that it only becomes
a problem when it is done to excess.
Well that's all well and fine but just how many times a day is too many
times a day? Is once too much? Or is it only when you get up to the 15 to
20 times a day does the onset of blindness or madness become a reality.
Kevin Spanky
Annerley
(Editors' note)
Doctor Dick will reply after he awakens from his customary short
nap which he takes up to 30 times a day.
Dear Doctor Dick,
I don't want to come across as some femmo-lesso sympathising poofy type
but I think that it's high time women were equally represented in your column.
I mean from the title to the very end it's all penises, penises, penises,
penis this, penis that.
Women's health issues are equally as important as are mens', therefore I
think it really is about time you gave the ladies a fair go and discussed
vaginas (or at least showed some pictures of them).
F. Reeporn
Kangaroo Point, Brisbane
Doctor Dick replies:
Point taken, and I will see what I can do. It might take some time
to find photos suitable for publication though. What I'll have to do is
study my extensive collection of Swedish........er...medical magazines and
get back to you.
Dear Doctor Dick
Is it true that larger men have bigger penises?
And if this is the case, would you have any phone numbers of the Sydney
Kings?
Hugely Curious
Manly, Sydney.
Doctor Dick replies:
I can't tell you how annoying it is for us professionals to be continually
confronted by old wives' tales such as these.
No, larger men don't necessarily have larger penises and in fact it can
sometimes be quite the opposite.
I remember fondly my old private school days and the many invaluable lessons
I learnt there about male genitalia.
Take for example the case of the first 15 skipper, prop forward and all
round hero, Billy "The Gnat" Nelson.
A huge bull of a lad, Bill was known for causing more of a sensation on
the field than in the shower. It was many a new boy who fell victim to one
of Bill's infamous rages by simply pointed out that their sisters had bigger
external genitalia than he did.
On the other hand there is the case of Rob "The Rhino" Jones.
Rob, who slept in the bunk next to mine, was a short and pasty lad who hardly
had enough stamina to make it onto the chess team let alone a sporting side.
Yet that boy had a knob on him that would have put the grand champion watermelon
at Chinchilla Show to shame.
One never got used to the sheer enormity of this teenager's phallus. Many
a time, when waking early in the dormitory, I would receive a boyish thrill
upon observing the 'big-top' in the bed next to mine, innocently thinking
for the briefest of moments that Barnum and Bailey had somehow set up their
show during the night.
The old "Rhino" wasn't a shy or selfish lad either, and in those
pre TV and Nintendo days he provided the rest of us with many a night's
entertainment. One of Rob's after dinner impromptus inspired a certain Rolf
Harris (a student there at the time) to develop the costume for and write
the lyrics to Jake The Peg.
His 'man of steel' act was another awe-inspiring feat, when he would let
some of the older lads bend steel pipes around his prodigious member. Popular
too were his many impersonations, Phar Lap being a particular favourite.
Also notable were his impressions of many of the world's great monuments,
Rob's 'Leaning Tower of Pisa' was outstanding, as was his 'Eiffel Tower'.
Rhino did put a dampener on some of the school's more traditional activities
however. The old Sao, for example, had to be substituted with pizza bases
to handle the not inconsiderable discharge from the young boy (something
which even the more hardened members of the rowing team found hard to swallow).
Marvellous as it was, there were drawbacks to Rob 'The Rhino' being so well
endowed.
His unusual gait comes to mind (the boy walked as if he was always hefting
a 50 kilo bag of spuds) and of course there was his inability to wear short
pants in even the coldest of weather.
Rhino also found it hard to bond with the rest of the boys at school. Much
of the cameraderie was centred around the communal showers, but Rhino was
barred from joining us there after becoming a little bit excited one night
as we discussed the up-coming dance night with our neighbouring girls' college.
Several lads were crushed against a petition and it took school staff more
than two hours to extricate us all from the amentities block after finally
turning off the hot water.
There is no doubt, though, that Rob's biggest impediment in life was his
absolutely enormous nose, which of course led to the unfortunate nickname
of 'Rhino'.
Dear Doctor Dick,
Having read in recent years about the sexual advances and molestations
inflicted upon young boys by some priests and Christian brothers at Catholic
boarding schools, I began to relive some of my own childhood experiences.
These memories are now plaguing me and are affecting my marriage and sex
life.
As a child I attended a well established church school in Brisbane as a
boarder since my family had a cattle property in central Queensland.
For all the years I was at school many of my classmates would hint, and
some would openly complain, about the sexual advances of the priests and
brothers who were teaching us. In recent years I have become extremely angry
about those events because on no occasion - not once - was I ever the subject
of such advances.
I now realise the brothers must have thought I was just plain ugly and certainly
not sexy in any way.
How can I redress this terrible injustice?
Cheated
Jindalee
Dr Dick replies:
Dear Cheated,
I see from the photograph you have enclosed that as an adult you are
quite a presentable young man, even if you are not handsome or striking
in the classical sense. But I can also tell from the photo that as a child
you probably were an oily, snivelling, snotty-faced little mick.
Just admit it, you were simply an ugly brat as a child. Be grateful that
you have finally found anyone in your entire life that is even remotely
attracted to you.
Got a sex problem that needs fixing? Doctor Dick can
help.
Address your questions to Dr Dick, P.O. Box 599, Spring Hill Q. 4004 or
drop him an e-mail.
