ARIES
You take your girlfriend’s hint about spicing up your life on Valentine’s Day by giving the one who means the most to you a box of erotic body-rubbing oils. Unfortunately, Steve Waugh returns the gift and your explicit letter with a nasty note attached.

CAPRICORN
You and your partner attempt to make St Valentine's Day love using the butterfly position but soon realise the tree branch is within full view of your neighbours.

LIBRA
You are to be congratulated for celebrating Valentine’s Day with a candlelit dinner followed by a night of great sex, even though you live alone in an isolated lighthouse.

VIRGO
You're not quite sure what to expect after a single rose turns up on your front porch on the eve of St Valentine's Day with the complete stem removed, and just a short note from your boyfriend saying he'll be over on Saturday morning with the stalk.

SAGGITARIUS
You need three stitches for a nasty head wound after falling over a tombstone in Dutton Park Cemetry late at night while getting your beloved some really nice Valentine's Day flowers.

WHEN THE MOON IS IN THE SEVENTH HOUR AND JUPITER ALIGNS WITH MARS
A bit of a player on the dating scene, you haven't a clue who's sent you the 12 beautiful long-stemmed roses until you accidently draw blood on a rose thorn while arranging the flowers in a vase. Looking at your bleeding finger, you suddenly realise it's only a small prick.

CANCER
Out on a moonlit cruise to celebrate Valentine's Day with the love of your life, you both drown after your yacht runs aground on rocks near an isolated lighthouse which appears to be lit only by candles.

GEMINI
Your romantic Valentine's Day tryst takes an exciting new turn when your blow-up inflatable doll finally goes down on you.

AQUARIUS
Your sensual expectations are sent soaring and you can hardly wait when your boyfriend rings on his mobile car phone to say he's bought you a pair of edible undies and he' s on his way over. Unfortuately, he gets caught at a traffic light and feeling a bit peckish eats them.

MALCOLM TURNBULL
Stung by criticism at the Constitution Convention that you are an arrogant, smug and self centred individual, you decide that as a special Valentine's Day treat, you'll make passionate love to your partner with your favourite, imported, reusable Carribean rooster spur condom with the 2cm spikes not turned inside out as usual.

CHARLIE DOYLE
Just when you thought you would spend Valentine's Day on your own, a group of Queensland pollies phone and ask you to join them for an expensive seafood meal at an exclusive city restaurant.