THERE is much, much more to flying business or first
class than just the privilege of going into a mountain face before every
one else, with the obvious exception of the flightdeck crew who’ve
got their eyes closed any way.
Image is everything when sitting in the dress circle away from "those
people" in the cheap stalls, so a bit later on I’m going to run
through the obvious etiquette involved.
But firstly, how to get into Business First first. Ansett thought of the
name Business First first, and seeing I exclusively Chance-it With Ansett,
as the jingle goes, that’s how I’ll refer to the comfy chairs
brigade from now on.
Business First is usually made up of three classes of people: those Australians
who can afford to be there or whose tab is being picked up by business (21
and 4,325 respectively); the occasional wannabes who have whinged and whined
long enough to get upgraded to where they don’t belong, and your columnist
who neither can afford to, nor belongs there in the first place but who
occasionally flukes an upgrade against all the odds.
Twice in the past year, The Bug’s name has popped out of the
system at check-in for a taste of the good life.
Both have come as an absolute shock because, although your columnist travels
south frequently in search of investigative scoops to fill these pages and
the fact that brothels are legal in Melbourne, he had always assumed that
only frequent fliers who purchase full economy fares get an occasional look-in
at how the other half live.
The Bug does not purchase full economy tickets. It purchases those
advance special fares for close to half the normal price.
Then, by buying them eight years in advance and offering to fly strapped
to the wings, it often works out that Ansett actually ends up paying us
to fly. Not a lot, but enough for the taxi fare from Tullamarine to the
Daily Planet for that all important, in-depth interview.
Being paid to fly is not conducive to being booted up front. But the other
day, booted up we were. And it was enough to make a grown man cry! Upgraded
after 9am! Sob!
Too late for the fancy breakfast served on real china, and too early to
give that free fancy wine and beer an almighty hammering over an even fancier
lunch! Double sob!
Caught in that nether region between the main meal sessions, how on earth
– or more precisely 13,000 metres above it – can you really give
it your best shot in ensuring that extra $400 plus (that's roughly the shortfall
from our discounted fare) a sector is value for money? That's the amazing
thing about being upgraded. You're not actually spending the extra money
but you feel duty bound to hog in as if you are.
Being invited into Business First between meals - and especially before
lunch - is like being phoned up at 7pm and asked out on an unexpected hot
date five minutes after you’ve just knocked the top off a hot one.
It’s still fun but a lot of the edge has been taken off it.
So what to do if that blue-edged Business First boarding pass pops out unexpectedly
as you book in?
1. Place the boading pass in your top pocket with the blue colour bar facing
outwards. Walk around the terminal constantly so as many people with those
green economy boarding passes as possible can see that you’re flying
up front and turn green themselves. Ignore the monitors declaring that your
flight is closed, and don’t board until your name is called over the
PA. This ensures that everyone else has boarded and will observe your entry.
2. Whatever you do, don’t pick up the headsets from the box at the
boarding gate! That’s a dead giveaway that you’re not a seasoned
high flier. More on that later.
3. Saunter passed the purser who is cursing you under her breath and casually
take your seat.
4. When the senior flight attendant assigned to pander to your every need
presents your pre-takeoff orange juice IN A REAL GLASS, immediately ask
for a copy of the Financial Review and start circling property sales
ads in as many states as possible. Pull out your Game Boy, keep it partly
hidden by your side and tap it regularly as if it's a calculator.
5. When the flight attendant asks if you’d like a magazine, ask for
the Wall Street Journal. This won’t be available but it gives
you the chance to show how easy going success has made you by politely accepting
a Business Review Weekly instead. Under no circumstances drop your
guard and accept a copy of Black Label Penthouse Centrefolds the Censor
Rejected.
Yes, I'm afraid to tell you that's the sort of magazine the rich get to
read up front. Sometimes it's great to be a king.
But illusion is everything, so mask your disappointment in finally finding
out that airlines do have some really excellent magazines on offer, and
it’s only because you’ve always been right down the back in steerage
close to the toilets that you thought the only in-flight reading matter
available was Thistle Species of the Scottish Midlands and The
Hare Clarke Voting System Explained.
6. Under no circumstances tell the person who's not sitting next to you
- that space is a wide armrest and drinks table - that you've been ungraded.
They're spending hundreds of dollars to eat a meal with real metal knives
and forks - so the last thing they want to hear is that their spending time
with a free-loader like you.
7. Once bored with filling in real estate ads, slip comfortably into the
headsets provided and pretend you're listening the the ABC and not the hits
of 1970. Business First has real stereo headsets that sit comfortably all
over your ears, don't pop out when you sneeze and actually work. That's
the reason you look pretty stupid if you sit down clasping those handout
sets with the white ear plugs commonly used at the back of the bus.
8. The meal itself. Did you know that Ansett caterers in designing the menu
have chosen food "reflective of our modern multicultural society"?
The cuisine "draws on the vast variety of food and flavours available
in Australia today and is served with an emphasis on presentation and freshness".
They've gone to a lot of trouble preparing those beautiful barbecue style
fried Queensland prawns and ocean blue eye fillet on the vegetable and pasta
linguini, or perhaps the grilled pan-seared turkey medallions with an olive,
tomato and oyster mushroom ragout, so for heaven's sake do the right thing
and use the knife and fork.
9. And if you've fluked the right time to fly, those beautiful Aussie whites
and reds keep coming all trip. The glasses are small but, neverless, even
on a short trip like the hour and a bit between Sydney and Brisbane, with
a little bit of dedication you should still be flying many hours after you've
been carried off the plane.
