Leo
You lie awake in bed all night wondering how long it's going to take before the first Olympic relay torch appears in The Trading Post.

Virgo
Your sex life takes a dramatic downturn after your spouse visits her doctor and is told to limit her fat intake.

Saggitarius
You receive a Foxtel television subscription as a gift and thank your lucky stars that you really enjoy watching The Edge, Stepmon, The Mask of Zorro, Saving Private Ryan, The Edge, Stepmon, The Mask of Zorro, Saving Private Ryan, The Edge, Stepmon, The Mask of Zorro, Saving Private Ryan, The Edge, Stepmon, The Mask of Zorro, Saving Private Ryan, The Edge, Stepmon, The Mask of Zorro, Saving Private Ryan, The Edge, Stepmon, The Mask of Zorro, Saving Private Ryan, The Edge, Stepmon, The Mask of Zorro, Saving Private Ryan, The Edge, Stepmon he Mask of Zorro, Saving Private Ryan, The Edge, Stepmon, The Mask of Zorro, Saving Private Ryan......

Libra
You lie awake all night wondering why they've had remote control door locks for cars for years but you've still got to manually open the door to your house each night.

Saturn
You can run rings around your opposition and, what's more, you know it!

Virgo
You receive a polite reply to all your letters to the manufacturers of disposable baby nappies, but none of them explains the use of the word “disposable” when their products cannot be flushed, are not supposed to be burned and should not be put into domestic garbage bins.

Gemini
You lie awake at night wondering why the blokes who drive those high-riding, open-top, ultra-4WDs with the big chrome wheels all appear to be wearing the same sleeveless shirt and baseball cap and have identical Besser brick-shaped heads.

Taurus
Despite commissioning several university studies, you are no closer to working out why the person in front of you at the automatic teller machine is always illiterate, innumerate, dyslexic and shortsighted.

Saggitarius
You are advised to seek psychiatric help after walking down the aisle of an aircraft and talking to imaginary passengers including Buddy Holly, the Big Bopper, Ritchie Valens, Patsy Cline, Jim Croce, Ricky Nelson and Otis Redding. Luckily your job as a commercial airline pilot means you can afford the best possible treatment.

Cancer
You and Susan Rossiter-Peacock-Sangster-Renouf reach agreement through your respective lawyers for a quiet, unpublicised divorce, largely because neither of you realise you’d married each other.

Aquarius
You cannot believe your luck when walking down a dark laneway late at night carrying a cricket bat, you meet the commercial TV programming genius who hit upon the idea of playing a loud promotion for next week’s Sunday night movie over the top of this week’s movie's closing theme song which you really love.

Libra
You are halfway through preparing an emotion-charged acceptance speech for Best Actor for next year’s Academy Awards when you realise the chances you’ll need it are pretty slim, largely because the forward roster at the bacon factory has you working the late shift that night.

Hansie Cronje
You cannot believe your luck when walking down a dark laneway late at night carrying a 3lb cricket bat, you meet the devil who made you do it.