TAKE OUR RACIST POLL!TAKE OUR RACIST POLL!
Consider yourself as big a bigot as the boofhead next door?
Of course you do.
But now you can undertake our world-exclusive questionnaire to make doubly
sure and remove any doubt as to your bonehead fides bigatory.
We just know you'll rate through the roof as a true-blue ratbag racist and
make us all proud to count you as a fellow dinki-di one-eyed Aussie.
The Bug hired a team of expert sociologists and psychologists to
prepare a list of clever, attitude-seeking, multi-choice questions to rate
your racism level.
Perusal time for the questionnaire is 10 minutes. There are 21 questions
and you must answer ONLY 20. That's right ... you can discard one if you're
not completely sure. There are five possible answers to each question, scored
from 1 to the maximum 5, which means some one out there in Bugland is going
to score the maximum 100 points if they try hard enough. And if the poll
results reported elsewhere in this issue are correct, it could very well
be YOU!
Unfortunately, because we at The Bug know fuck all about website
design - as you have no doubt realised by now if you are a frequent on-line
reader - you just can't press little electronic buttons beside the answer
choices which then somehow miraculously tally your final score and explain
how you went.
Instead, you're going to have to get a pencil and paper and jot down each
question choice and add up your own score at the end.
There is no time limit for taking the questionnaire. So, off you go and,
hey, no cheating now!
And lots of luck. Make us proud!
1. When Queensland won its first Sheffield Shield interstate cricket
trophy a few years back and batsman Jimmy Maher declared he was “as
full as a coon’s Valiant”, did you:
A. feel ashamed to call yourself an Australian.
B. ring Jimmy to suggest he should not have used such an expression.
C. ring Jimmy to suggest he should have said “as full as a wog’s
Valiant”.
D open another stubbie and marvel at the capaciousness of older Australian
cars.
E. ring a South Australian telephone number at random and shout obscenities
at whoever answered the phone, before launching into a throaty rendition
of My Old Man He told Me. South Australians got VD With a Knick Knack
Paddywack Give yourself A Bone, South Australians Fuck off Home.
2. When you see television footage of Aborigines living in appalling
conditions in makeshift shelters outside regional towns, do you:
A. Wonder if they used frequent flier points to get there.
B: feel ashamed to call yourself an Australian.
C: wonder if it’s too late to tell your architect to use more corrugated
iron in the new house extension incorporating a deck and new bedrooms for
Siobahn and Josh.
D. reach for your Foxtel remote while wondering how many times they can
repeat Mad Max.
E. wait patiently thinking it might be one of those opera-in-the-outback
telecasts.
3. Siobahn comes home from school and tearfully announces that a Vietnamese
girl has replaced her as the top scholar of the class. Do you:
A. tell her it will only get worse once the Vietnamese girl learns English.
B. feel ashamed to be Siobahn’s parent.
C. ring the school immediately and accuse the principal of reverse racism,
a victim of political correctness gone wrong and demand that both girls’
papers be regraded.
D. sit down with Siobahn and explain that even if her final year results
are lower than expected and she is squeezed out of being accepted into medical
school, she can still marry a doctor.
E. encourage a friendship between Siobahn and the Vietnamese girl by inviting
her and her family to a barbecue, remembering to lock the family dog in
the laundry for the duration of their stay.
4. When Jimmy Little had a big chart success last year with his Messenger
CD album, did you:
A. feel enormous pride for an indigenous Australian artist who first made
his name with the 60s hit Royal Telephone and was making a well-deserved
comeback.
B. remember that in the early 70s you intended to buy a copy of Lionel Rose’s
hit song, Pick Me Up On Your Way Down, but never got around to it.
C. think he must be fairly old seeing he was the commentator on those Channel
9 World Championship Wrestling shows all those decades ago.
D. use data on Aboriginal life expectancy and mortality rates to work out
just how much borrowed time Jimmy’s been living on.
E. Wonder how he could do a nationwide promotion tour with advanced glaucoma.
5. When former Queensland Aboriginal Senator Neville Bonner died last year,
did you:
A. feel ashamed to call yourself an Australian when you remembered how the
Queensland Liberal Party dudded him by placing him in an unwinnable position
on the party ticket for what proved to be his last Senate election.
B. ring your local Liberal Party branch and asked to be sent a membership
form after remembering how the party dudded him by placing him in an unwinnable
position on the party ticket for his last Senate election.
C. use data on Aboriginal life expectancy and mortality rates to work out
just how much borrowed time Neville had been living on.
D. wonder why his role as the helicopter pilot in the 1960s television series
Skippy was not mentioned in any of his obituaries.
E. hoped to God no-one was injured in the blast following his cremation.
6. After an Aboriginal family moves in next door, do you:
A: invite them around for lunch and earnestly discuss Dreamtime legends
even though they are more interested in talking Aussie Rules.
B. wonder if they could have broken into your house and stolen the 12 tallies
you had in the fridge yesterday, before suddenly remembering you drank them
yourself last night.
C. put a lock on all your downstairs beer fridges and make plans to sell
up before property values slump.
D. Invite them to stay for tea and serve them grilled platypus with edible
roots on the side.
E. feel proud to call yourself an Australian, buy a didgeridoo and leave
it on the front porch as a sign of welcome.
7. When an Aboriginal family is first given a new government house to live
in, do they burn it to the ground:
A. in the first week.
B. in the first month
C. as a totally understandable protest at more than 200 years of white oppression.
D. this is a trick question, Stan, because Aborigines – who are all
on welfare anyway - would be too pissed to light a match, and you know they
get taxis everywhere, and the government pays, and a friend of mine knew
a bloke who etc….etc…etc….
E. While you're still feeling ashamed to call yourself an Australian.
8. When you heard that noted Australian historian and art critic Robert
Hughes had called the Indian-born prosecutor in his West Australian dangerous
driving case a “curry muncher”, did you:
A. race out immediately to buy a copy of his celebrated opus, The Foetal
Hoare.
B. wonder who the fuck Robert Hughes was.
C. immediately swing back onto the right side of the road.
D. feel ashamed to call yourself an Australian.
E. explain to your friends over foccacia and café latte at the bistro
that an essentially parallax view of his comments reveal his hitherto unknown
capacity for delineating an ironical paradigm within a post-modern construct.
9. In late 1997, when Pauline Hanson and her One Nation party policies hit
the ground running, did you:
A. ring the Taxi Council of Queensland and apply for a licence.
B. agree it was a long overdue correction of balance in Australian politics
and an almighty slap in the face for political correctness.
C: ring Pauline’s One Nation office in Ipswich and suggest she stop
singling out Aborigines as targets for thinly veiled racist attacks, and
start attacking Asians and some of those wogs as well.
D: feel ashamed to call yourself an Australian.
E. defend her right to air her views in a democratic society, then do nothing
to correct her wild claims based on lies and urban myths until you could
determine how the One Nation vote might help you once you decided to call
the federal election for November 1998.
10. You are a news editor on a popular prime time television current
affairs program and you’re running a story on Aborigines. You ring
the tape library and request:
A. a compilation video of Kathy Freeman winning her world athletics crown,
Evonne Goolagong winning her second Wimbledon crown, Sir Douglas Nicholls
being sworn in as South Australian governor in 1976, and Pat O’Shane
becoming the first Aborigine admitted to the bar of the NSW Supreme Court
in 1976.
B. video of drunken Aborigines sitting in stifling heat on a river bed outside
Alice Springs fighting each other over a flagon of hot wine.
C. video of drunken Aborigines sitting in stifling heat on a river bed outside
Alice Springs fighting each other over a flagon of hot wine.
D. video of drunken Aborigines sitting in stifling heat on a river bed outside
Alice Springs fighting each other over a flagon of hot wine.
E. information on whether those bluies you ordered the other week from your
sister station in Canberra had come in yet.
11. To you, the Stolen Generation is:
A. a very early song by INXS
B. the latest Star Trek movie.
C. something that never ever technically existed, because not every single
member of a particular generation of Aborigines – as defined using
accepted demographical and genealogical parameters – were either actually
or technically “stolen” as defined by relevant sections of the
New South Wales Criminal Code 1949 (as amended) or indeed any state or territory
laws or regulations dealing with the misappropriation of property.
D. Gypsies.
E. a terrible blight on white/indigenous relations in this country that
can only be remedied by a formal apology by government.
12. When you hear a Japanese restaurant has opened in your suburb,
do you:
A. burn it down that same night as payback for all those years Uncle Bert
was imprisoned in Changi after World War II.
B. get out The Bridge Over the River Kwai from your local video library,
tape the Colonel Boogie March from it before ringing the restaurant and
playing it over and over again.
C. take your family there for a meal because you love sushi.
D. stay home and get amorous with your wife because you love sushi.
E. take your drunken mates there, poke fun at the food and staff and spend
all night loudly singing Wake Up Rittle Sushi, Wake Up.
13. You and your family took part in one of the big Corroboree 2000
marches in our capital cities because:
A. you felt ashamed to call yourself an Australian.
B. you thought it was the end of the queue for the Myer/Grace Brothers end
of financial year sales.
C: it was a nice day and there was nothing much on Foxtel except that damned
Mad Max repeat again.
D. there was a chance some native traditional dances would be performed
topless.
E. You have sons in the boys scouts.
14. Down at your local, someone tells a terribly racist joke which
is a disgraceful putdown of Aboriginal people, their culture, their alleged
welfare dependency and drinking habits . Do you:
A. laugh heartily and remember to tell the same joke at the next Commonwealth
Games dinner where you are guest speaker.
B. laugh heartily while feeding more of your pension cheque into a poker
machine and drinking your sixth pot of beer in an hour.
C. feel ashamed to call yourself an Australian.
D. tell the same joke at work the next day, only changing the central characters
to Jews which makes it fall flat because your workmates can’t understand
what two rabbis would be doing spearing Murray cod on the banks of the Murrumbidgee.
E. tell 20 other darkie jokes much, much worse than the one you just heard.
15. When you first read that white settlers in Tasmania had herded
the native population into the north-east corner of the island where they
subsequently died out from disease and falling off the mainland, did you:
A: feel not quite so ashamed as you did before to call yourself a German.
B: wonder if Australian officials nearly fell for a cunning trick by Slobodan
Milosovic when they decided to send hundreds of Kosovar Albanians to the
very same state.
C. wonder if Siobahn and Josh could handle the drive in the Jeep all the
way to Melbourne and the overnight ferry trip across Bass Strait, or if
it’s best to fly the whole family to Hobart and hire a 4WD down there.
D. think Tasmania mightn't be a bad place to get a taxi licence.
E: feel ashamed to call yourself an Australian.
16. Cabramatta is a suburb of Sydney where:
A. television news crews go if they’ve run out of stock footage of
street heroin deals.
B. large numbers of Asian people welcomed to our country as part of our
proud push for multi-culturalism have understandably settled together because
of shared customs and language.
C. large numbers of Asian people welcomed to our country as part of our
proud push for multi-culturalism hopefully will stay.
D. you’re never again having lunch with Bruce Ruxton, Ron Casey and
Arthur Tunstall.
E. vets find it hard to make a living.
17. You are in a taxi when suddenly the bloke in the front seat declares
“Australia’s darkies are never going to amount to anything until
they get off their big fat lazy arses and do something for themselves”.
Do you:
A. feel ashamed to call yourself an Australian.
B. demand that he stop the taxi immediately and get out, regardless of the
fact that you’re in the middle lane near the top of the Gateway Bridge
and it’s peak hour.
C. ask that he turn up the radio because you can’t quite hear what
Alan Jones is saying.
D. pluck up the courage to ask why a $10 fare to your local pub was already
close to $70 and you’d passed through the same suburb four times already
and normally that wouldn’t bother you except it’s on the other
side of the river.
E. only charge him half the fare when he finally gets out at his destination.
18. You understand the concept, terra nullius, to be:
A. a sterilised specimen of a small breed of domestic dog.
B. that guy who played the senior sergeant on Cop Shop.
C: the now discredited legal fiction that Australia was uninhabited before
the arrival of Europeans, which had the effect of making the dispossession
of Aborigines both legally and morally correct.
D. a ceramic floor tile, usually fired in muted earth colours and ideal
for Siobahn and Josh’s new rooms.
E. a clublike weapon the darkies used to use to kill food before we started
looking after them.
19. After being rushed to a hospital emergency room suffering a massive heart attack, the doctor who is about to save your life recognises you and reminds you that he was once the weedy little German kid you helped beat shit out of back in the 60s on the day he turned up to school wearing traditional liederhosen. Do you:
A. feel ashamed to call yourself Australian.
B. feel tempted to call yourself Austrian.
C. tell him you’re heavily into leather yourself these days.
D. admit your past sins but claim you were only following orders.
E. laugh at life’s cruel ironies, then die.
20. The Aboriginal stockmen who helped open up so much of pioneer Australia
should be:
A: finally paid fairly for their labours.
B: honoured with a special exhibit at the Stockman’s Hall of Fame at
Longreach.
C. finally paid fairly for their labours, but also sent a bill for the horse
meat that was left out at the back gate for them every second Saturday and
for which they never, ever, appeared to be fucking grateful.
D. finally paid fairly for their labours, but also whipped nightly just
for old time’s sake and to make sure they remember who’s boss.
E: There is no answer E to this question.
21. You take up duties as manager of a western Queensland hotel and immediately:
A: feel ashamed to call yourself an Australian.
B openly serve Aborigines and white folk in the same front bar, just hours
before packing up and departing with what’s left of your car, family
and severance pay.
C: bribe the local coppers to be on call to arrest any “troublemakers”
who show signs of having as good a time as any white folks do.
D. announce that Jimmy Little will be singing in the back bar next Saturday
night, charge everyone $30 to get in on the night before rubbing Kiwi boot
polish over your face and sitting on a stool strumming a beaten-up stringless
guitar while badly miming to the Messenger CD and wishing you had
bought Pick Me Up On Your Way Down Back in the 70s because you think
the crowd might demand an encore.
E. continue the tradition of hosing out the abos' bar exactly on closing
time without warning.
HOW YOU FARED:
Question 1: A-1 B-2 C-4 D-5 E-3
Question 2: A-2 B-1 C-3 D-4 E-5
Question 3: A-3 B-1 C-3 D-4 E-5
Question 4: A-1 B-2 C-4 D-2 E-5
Question 5: A-1 B-4 C-2 D-3 E-5
Question 6: A-2 B-4 C-5 D-3 E-1
Question 7: A-3 B-4 C-2 D-5 E-1
Question 8: A-3 B-4 C-5 D-1 E-2
Question 9: A-3 B-4 C-5 D-1 E-5
Question 10: A-1 B-5 C-5 D-5 E-2
Question 11: A-3 B-4 C-5 D-2 E-1
Question 12: A-5 B-4 C-2 D-1 E-3
Question 13: A-1 B-2 C-3 D-5 E-4
Question 14: A-4 B-3 C-1 D-2 E-5
Question 15: A-2 B-4 C-3 D-5 E-1
Question 16: A-2 B-1 C-5 D-4 E-3
Question 17: A-1 B-2 C-4 D-3 E-5
Question 18: A-2 B-3 C-1 D-4 E-5
Question 19: A-1 B-3 C-4 D-5 E-2
Question 20: A-1 B-3 C-4 D-5 E-2
Question 21: A-1 B-2 C-3 D-5 E-4.
RESULTS:
If you scored…….
0-20: You are ashamed to call yourself an Australian.
20-40: You are a person who exhibits tolerance and goodwill towards all
others, regardless of a person’s race, colour, religious or political
beliefs. Take some comfort in the fact that there's probably someone exactly
like you living right across the country.
40-60: Although not actively racist in your outlook, you are nevertheless
racist in your outlook.
60-80: Yep, you’re racist. Worse, you know you are – and what’s
worse still, you’re damned proud of it. You're a typical white Australian
who probably refused to vote for Pauline Hanson because she was too soft.
80-99: Look, let's be frank, okay! Even the sheets you use on your beds
at home have got two holes cut in them.
100: You're John Howard.
