Is this the gutsiest pollie in our nation's history!

The Bug's political writers, based both here and in our Canberra office,
put together this summary of a lifetime of unparalled public service.

February 1975: Queensland Labor Senator Bert Milliner suffers a massive heart attack and dies during a late-night sitting of the Senate.

June, 1995: Senator Milliner’s death is finally discovered by an alert Senate aide and the Queensland ALP begins the search for a replacement.

Queensland Labor nominates an ex-teacher, the tall, handsome, strapping Mal Colston (pictured above, much, much later) to fill the casual vacancy caused by the discovery of the death of Bert Milliner.

Young Liberal firebrand David “Buckets” Byrne gets enormous brownie points - and a big parcel of pumpkin scones from Bethany - when he tells Queensland State Parliament that when it came to being a professional teacher, no one could hold a match to Mal Colston.

Wily Queensland Premier Johannes Bjelke-Petersen momentarily considers the time-honoured convention of appointing a same-party person to the casual vacancy but decides not to worry about that, that’s for sure. Knowing that good strong stable government and the rest, that’s all the people want, that's for sure, no problems, he has a Field day and nominates some bitter and twisted anti-Labor pygmy to the position. This short-lived political career – highlighted by a question in the Senate chamber on the super phosphorous bounty – makes Frank Tanti's career two decades later look like that of a Machiavellian mastermind.

Late 1995: The tall, handsome, strapping Mal Colston is elected to the Senate at the 1975 Double Dissolution poll and gets his first whiff of parliamentary leather. He sits in his seat long after the Senate has risen for the night, waiting patiently in the dark for the biggest erection of his life to go down. He never sees another one like it.

1975-1980: Big Mal Fraser keeps his trousers on and runs the country with massive majorities. But, you know, having said that, let us say this. Colston knuckles down and works well on behalf of Queenslanders and the ALP. He concentrates on education – corporal punishment in schools seems to be a burning issue (sorry) – and for a little while he actually stands out a bit – not a great boast really considering the meager Labor representation from the Sunshine State.

1980: with the influx of more Labor pollies from Queensland, Canberra insiders notice that the still reasonably tall but no longer quite as handsome or strapping Mal Colston seems to go off the boil. As one senior political analyst told The Bug this week: “He discovers the trough.” Whatever the reason, Colston finds a new direction for his career: he dedicates himself totally and unselfishly to looking after the interests and well-being of not just all Queenslanders, but one Queenslander in particular.

Early 1980s: the factional meltdown in the Queensland ALP sees Colston move from the left to the all-powerful Australian Workers Union faction. Being the AWU’s No 1 boy is Colston’s ticket to slide.

1983 or thereabouts: It finally dawns on someone close to Colston that he might be flying freely around the country with a travelling companion not entitled so to do. A complaint to ALP heavyweights leads to the convening of an urgent meeting with the Queensland Senator. In a six-hour dressing down delivered in the Golden Whingers and Want-this Clubs at Brisbane, Mascot, Tullamarine, Darwin, Perth, Tullamarine, Hobart, Mascot, Canberra, Mascot and Brisbane Airports, the ALP heavyweights warn Colston that it is entirely inappropriate to abuse travel arrangements to the point where you put someone offside.

March, 1987. After an extraordinarily long day in Parliament, Mal Colston’s political career is almost ended when he is rushed to Canberra General Hospital with massive splintering to his upper lips, jowl and sternum regions. He asks the ambulance driver if there’s a frequent patient pickup points program attached to the trip.

The years leading up to 1996: Cushioned with his AWU-sponsored job for life, Colston decides to become a political heavyweight. He boasts openly about always flying home to Brisbane via Sydney so he can hoe into not one, but two scrumptious hot meals over the two sectors. Considering he is not a big drinker, his rapid decline into repulsive obesity is certainly much food for thought. In these years, he also gives nepotism a bad name. Foes accuse him at one point in time of having his entire family on the taxpayers' payroll. Once again, this is arrant nonsense. The Bug knows for a fact that Colston was unable to make contact with an aged maiden aunt he believed was then living in retirement somewhere on the NSW central coast.

Early 1996: Although doing a reasonable job as Senate Deputy President – once again, no great boast, given the catatonic nature of Senate sittings – Colston’s political star begins to wane in exactly reverse proportions to his ever-galloping girth.

Stupidly, he puts party and faction powerbroker Senator Robert Ray offside. Ray misses a connecting flight to Melbourne after being caught behind a shambling Colston in a Senate corridor for two-and-a-half hours. Besides, Ray and other party heavies are becoming more and more concerned about Colston’s unusual travel arrangements. They shake their heads in unison and disbelief as a rumour they started spreads that Colston has travelled to Perth, only to sit in the Golden Whingers Lounge awaiting the first available flight back east, all to rack up frequent flier points. They are really pissed off : why didn’t they think of that first! Once again, to be fair to the much-maligned Colston, The Bug can categorically state that this vicious rumour, spread by Colston’s foes to undermine his name, was then, and is still today, totally untrue. We understand it was Darwin and the Qantas Club.

Mid-1996: Colston’s prestigious job as Senate Number 2 goes West in a party numbers deal. He spits the dummy and resigns from the party that has been the vehicle for his early success and later excess. The Howard Government keeps him in the big leather seat to help shore up various pieces of legislation, including Wik.

However, life at the top can be lonely. If there’s one thing ALP members hate more than other ALP members it's a Labor RAT! Senator Ray is rumoured to have called even bigger Mal a ‘venal prick’. Shunned by his former friends, Colston develops an even greater eating disorder; he orders this and then he orders that and then he orders this again, only with extra fries.

A day in 1997: Colston is charged with various fraud counts. The allegations fall into three main categories: claiming travel allowances when not travelling; inappropriate use of frequent flier points, and some alleged naughtiness regarding car travel.

The same day: Those scrumptious airline meals finally take their toll on Colston’s bowels. He is diagnosed with terminal cancer and, depending on which top professional medical advice is testifying at the time, has only between 240 and 4324 rump steak meals left to live.

A bit after that again: The Howard Government forces Colston to resign as Senate Deputy President. Emotionally he asks if he can keep the chair as a memento of his time in power. His request is promptly denied; the presidential chair is sent out to have its springs resprung. While The Bug strenuously upholds the principle that any person has the right to the assumption of innocence until proven guilty, the Howard Government has no such qualms, refusing to accept Colston’s vote in the Senate chamber.

1997 and various times since: Colston asks the Commonwealth to drop the various fraud charges, saying he has only a short time to live. Colston tenders expert medical advice that he could be dead within hours, and a letter from Senator Ray expressing the fervent hope that such a diagnosis is right on the button.

1998: Little Johnny Howard and a high horse combine to declare that Mal is now persona gratis restorus and his vote will again be counted because he's entitled to the aforementioned assumption of innocence and, besides, his vote is really needed.

Real time, now: with the new anti-GST Senators due to take their seats in July, the Sydney suburban solicitor also known as Mandated Midget Man watches nervously as the Mal Content snoozes in his Senate office, single-mindedly looking after the interests of his constituent. With no medical training, Howard realises that perhaps all is not lost: he still has one chance – albeit a very fat one – of getting his tax legislation through in time.