Dear Doctor Dick,
I’ve got a moderately bent/curved penis that is not straight. This
is worrying me quite a lot. Can you give me some advice or any suggestions
or any referrals on how I can get it to be straight? Considering that I’m
quite young, this is worrying very very much, please help me!
A. Z,
February 11
Dr Dick replies:
Your question, A.Z., is one I get asked quite often, mostly by men.
There is no need to worry about a slight bend in your penis, provided there
is only one. Any more than one bend and you could be suffering from Lombard
Street Syndrome – so named after the famous street in San Francisco
which changes directions so many times in a short distance that it is now
a tourist attraction and reputed to be the world’s “bendiest”
thoroughfare.
Dear Doctor Dick
I’d like to know why many men have a special nickname name for their
penis. Do you have any thoughts on the matter, you being the all-wise and
knowing guru of all matters sexual - for men that is?
Bookmark
January 14
Dr Dick replies:
I take exception to the sexist undertone of your question. It is
not just men who give pet names to their private parts. I’ve known
many women who do the same. And, let me tell you, some of the sobriquets
they use are far more descriptive than the pedestrian appellations applied
by the male of the species to their appendage. For example, in my own experience
I have – long before meeting Mrs Dr Dick of course – been intimate
with several women whose nicknames for their genitalia included: Cement
Mixer, Sausage Alley, the Bermuda Triangle and Echo Canyon.
Dear Doctor Dick,
I’m a professional model and body builder. I am a male, but I also
occasionally enjoy the company of another male (if you know what I mean).
I’ve always wondered how universal this was. I know I never tell anyone
about it and as far as I know neither does the other guy. So I’m wondering
how many other do this? Just curious.
Curious and Wondering
December 11
p. s. Please do not use this to slam gays. Those guys are SO over-used in
jokes. I don’t consider myself that way.
Dr Dick replies:
No, I will not be judgmental nor will I resort to stereotypical gay
jokes. I have known many men who have found themselves in the same situation
as your goodself. And, while I have not slept with any homosexuals, I have
slept with a man who has. Sorry – I couldn’t resist it. As a guide,
you should always bear in mind the adage: all men are gay after six beers.
Dear Doctor Dick,
What can I do? Every time my girlfriend and I have sex, we “toot our
own horns,” i.e. we pass a lot of gas. We’re both a bit on the
large side, which makes rapid movement “hard” and strenuous. Is
there anything I can do to relieve the tension before I have sex? Should
I have a bowel movement before sex? And will fasting (I get the munchies
when I’m horny) just before sex ease my situation?
Sideshow Nell
November 19
Dr Dick replies:
It is a little known fact that the famous composer Ludwig von Beethoven
suffered quite acutely from the affliction you describe. But both of you
should take heart from the fact that Beethoven turned what appeared to be
a personal embarrassment into quite an asset. Almost deaf, Beethoven used
his anal sphincter to study the nature and composition of the farts he emitted
during lovemaking. Indeed, the haunting central air to his famous Ninth
Sympathy was inspired by a series of noisy emissions in exactly that sequence
- phhtt, phttt, phttt, phtttttttt - during one torrid afternoon in the sack
when he was, to put it bluntly, going for baroque. A number of his lesser-known
movements were also borne from this practice. Other great men through history
have similarly used uncontrolled farting during sex to their own ends: former
US President Richard Nixon, for example, used it regularly and unashamedly
to clear a room so he could be alone to write his memoirs.
Dear Doctor Dock.
My dick will not go hard when I want it to. What should I do?
Wuz Up,
April 4
Dr Dick replies:
I infer from your question that your member does go hard but when
you don’t want it to. If that is correct, then it is simply a matter
of co-ordinating your desires with your performance. A method I .... I mean
many of my patients ..... have found useful is for you and your partner
to spend an entire day naked. Then, when you do get an erection, you are
ready for action, so to speak. Try this over several days, with both of
you gradually putting on one item of clothing every few hours. By the end
of just a few days, your problem will not rear its ugly head again. A tip
– do not try this therapy if you plan on leaving the house.
Dear Doctor Dick,
Every time I’m with a woman I feel that I ejaculate too early and I’m
not really sure how long it should take for a guy to ejaculate during sexual
activity. I was wondering if masturbating quite a bit can cause you to ejaculate
early. Like, if I don’t ejaculate for a long time then when I mess
around with a girl will it take longer for me to ejaculate? I was hoping
you could help so I can have more stamina so to say. Thanks.
DC2TX
October 12
Dr Dick replies:
There is no such thing as too much masturbation – just ask Sam
Newman. In fact, masturbation therapy is one of the methods I prescribe
to help overcome premature ejaculation. It has met with considerable success,
although I have had one or two patients who have taken it to extremes –
just ask Sam Newman. So be careful. One patient was so successful in using
masturbation to delay ejaculation that he didn’t come till he had left
and was halfway home – just ask Sam Newman.
Dear Dr Dick,
I really need some help. I am sex mad and I think of it all the time. I
go to porn sites and everything each day. I don’t have a partner. Please
can you suggest a product that I can use rather than masturbating.
Ainslie J
March 27
Dr Dick replies:
I think that for a young, obviously distressed lass like you I need
to devote a lot more of my personal time and effort to your case. Please
e-mail me your contact details and I can arrange a series of special after-hours
consultations.
Dear Dr Dick,
I was wondering?? I had sex with a virgin and never came close to ejaculating
inside her I pulled out real early and went on her stomach. Now she is a
week and a half late on her period and I was wondering if that was because
she had sex for the first time?? Can that affect her menstrual cycle??
Thank you for answering.....
B...........
April 27
Dr Dick replies:
I don’t think you’ve got anything to worry about, B, if,
as you state, you went on her stomach. It would be a different matter if
you came. If this is the case, I wouldn't worry too much about her cycle;
I'd be hopping on my own and peddling like blazes.
Dear Dr Dick,
I am having problem because my boyfriend has this spot around his penis
head. Should I be afraid? Next question. He can’t get hard in the morning
time. Is he going through a psychological problem. What should I do about
the matter? What can help him get hard in the morning. I am not used to
this problem. Please respond quickly.
Save this broken heart
May 1
Dr Dick replies:
Your series of questions appears to be a bit jumbled. First, have
him go to his own doctor to have the spot checked out. Third, clean up the
matter with a fresh tissue. Second, it is too early to consider psychological
problems. Perhaps – like most men - he is just tired in the mornings
after spending his energies on mind-blowing sexual gymnastics the previous
evening. Fourth, to help him get hard in the mornings, stop rooting the
night before.
Dear Dr Dick,
I have a girlfriend and she tells me I’m not a good kisser, how could
I be a better kisser
Anonymous
April 5
Dr Dick replies:
There are several tried and true solutions to this problem. How about
smearing her lips with a favourite food – honey, chocolate topping,
carroway seeds – and licking it off? Once you’ve tried this a
few times and perfected it, try the same thing on her face.
Dear Doctor Dick,
How are you? I hope you are fine. My question is that what is the food can
make me more sexy with my husband because I don’t feel that I’m
very hot with him when we do it.
Foodie
April 5
Dr Dick replies:
I am fine, Foodie, and thank you for asking. It is so pleasant to
find a patient who is concerned about their doctor’s welfare. If you
want to be “hot” with your husband, try smearing vindaloo curry
paste on his testicles. If that fails, a little dash of Tabasco sauce can
also work wonders.
Dear Dr Dick,
I am a healthy 26 year old Indian guy. I believe everything about me is
normal... but when I see pictures of men’s reproductory organs far
exceeding mine I get a little doubtful. Mine is just about 3.5 inches when
fully erect. Is that very small ? Also, I hear people say that size can
be easily compensated with skill. Can you give me any information on that.
In fact I have never had intercourse (and I am already 26!!!) fearing that
I will become a laughing stock. Your suggestions and information will go
a long way in assuring me that I can take the first step in life (better
late than never). Please reply by email.
Manu
April 24
Dr Dick relies:
Sorry, I don’t reply by e-mail. Always remember, M, that the
size of any piece of equipment is relative to the box it comes in. The size
of everything in the world is relative. A 747 Jumbo jet is only considered
big because a Cessna is small. But they’ll both get you where you want
to go. It is true that skill can overcome any perceived shortfall in equipment.
But why put yourself out? After all, how many women with vaginas the size
of a bucket ever bother to do more than a few basic and desultory arched-back
grunts in bed?
Dear Dr Dick,
Can you tell me if there is any other way of getting your penis bigger without
pumps or any other gadgets they use today. A natural way?
JG
March 1
Dr Dick replies:
Sadly, for those opposed to expensive surgical techniques or popping
quite potent pills, pumps and other gadgetry are just about it when it comes
to supplementing what nature has provided. I understand India and the other
nations in the subcontinent are the home of such devices. The Punjabi Plunger
is one piece of equipment I .... er, I mean many of my patients .... have
found useful over many years – just ask Sam Newman.
Dear Dr Dick,
Before I’m about to make love I perform better by cleaning my pipes
of spurting hot love juice. But by performing such an act my severe strain
of genital herpes becomes inflamed and begins to bleed chocolate milk Although
my wife likes to drink it I find it terribly embarrassing. Please help me,
my hermaphrodite sex toy.
Draino
April 15
Dr Dick replies:
Your passionate plea for help, Draino, had me scurrying to the text
books only to find that of all the known strains of genital herpes, the
vast majority - 76 percent - bleed what looks and tastes like strawberry
milk when aggravated. The other flavours described in the literature over
recent decades included a very sweet, rind-filled marmalade and a very flat
cherry cheer. Accordingly, I am rather sceptical as to the bona fides of
your missive and am leaning quite strongly to the view that it is one of
the rare made-up letters that find their way onto my net site. Nevertheless,
my professionalism demands that I provide a sensible answer. All I can say
is that you appear to have a rather nasty, albeit colourful, problem. Clearly
your wife must be a sucker - and not only for punishment. If your chocolate
milk herpal discharge is not a problem to her, it shouldn't be a problem
to you.
Dear Dr Dick,
I have an urge to consume my own semen but after ejaculating this urge is
gone. I have tried freezing my own semen for consumption later but the composition
of it changed after re-thawing. It may be because the fructose in the semen
is being changed into acetic acid. If semen is left in room temperature
for only a couple minutes its composition changes into something else. Is
there anything that can be done to preserve semen as it comes out of your
body for later use?
Jason.
April 30
Dr Dick replies:
Yes, Jason, you are in a bit of a quandary. In answering your query
I’d remind you of an incident that occurred in Victoria a few years
back and was widely reported at the time. It involved a mix up in orders
at a cold storage facility that was being used to store bulk ingredients
for the Mr Chirpy’s fleet of mobile ice-cream vans as well as several
hundred litres of frozen bull’s semen. I won’t go into details,
but the incident contained several valuable lessons. First among them was
what all of us should already know - “fresh is best”.
Dear Dr Dick,
My dick is covered in small spots. Many are larger than the others. I have
an acne problem but I don’t think it could cause this. Are they clots
where hair will grow? If so why are they all over my dick?
Spotty
April 6
Dr Dick replies:
You paint a rather attractive picture of your penis, Spotty, if you’ll
pardon me for saying so. Throughout my adult life I have always lived by
a few simple rules – and I always pass them on when asked. One of the
most important is: ignore spots on your dick unless they start to resemble
a Weary Dunlop 50 cent piece. (If you are one of my overseas-based internet
patients, please refer to the Australian National Mint’s homepage.)
Dear Dr Dick,
Found your website by accident (by search engine) very interesting. I am
a bachelor, aged 25, masturbating once a week but the problem I face is
that my dick (can only) get harder by seeing a porn film and I come in seconds
and somehow I got a feeling that mine is too small after seeing the film.
Doctor please advise me, is there any medicine for late coming and any surgery
for good size of the dick?
Bachelor Boy
March 3
Dr Dick replies:
You and porn films have one thing in common – digital manipulation.
Do not worry about the supposedly huge male members on show in your average
bluie. Most aren’t really 11 inches long, more like 9 or only 8.5.
No, there is no medicine I can prescribe for delayed ejaculation, although
dry cleaning fluid can help in more extreme cases.
Dear Doctor Dick,
My balls are getting so big I can just about get rid of my Jason recliner
and sit on the bastards instead. I don’t’ really give a fruck
except that I can’t seem to get round much any more and I can’t
get into my strides. Is this normal?
Regards, Huge Balls
March 31
Dr Dick replies:
I don’t really see how you have a problem, apart from the obvious
need to invest in a few scatter cushions.
Dear Dr Dick,
Is your real name Moby Dick? Please write back ... I love Dicks ... Send
me some porn... Bye!!
A Fan
April 26
Dr Dick replies:
No, Moby is not my real name. I am not allowed to use my full name
because of the antiquated medical laws in Australia. I’m grateful for
your adulation and will pass it on to Mrs Dr Dick and all the little Dicks.
Got a sex problem that needs fixing? Doctor Dick
can help.
Address your questions to Dr Dick, P.O. Box 696, Fortitude Valley. Q. 4006,
or drop him an e-mail.
