SAGITTARIUS
In all the weeks that those two do-you-want-to-be-a-millionaire quiz programs have been on the tele, you still haven't got a single question right and you start to wonder if all those schoolyard taunts years ago about being a really dumb prick might have had some validity after all.

LEO
You rush to the doctor for a morning-after pill after you discover to your absolute horror that the condom has slipped off your vibrator during a night of frenzied love-making.

MALCOLM COLSTON
That $200,000 you received as a big publicity stunt from a major pharmaceutical company to use its products to help you try to sleep during your current illness has to be refunded after a UK Tabloid prints a photo of you taking a quick peek from under your folded arms while dozing at your Senate office desk.

VIRGO
Because you think that life is the absolute pits right now, we'll refrain from telling you that this is as good as it gets.

MALCOLM COLSTON
Canberra wags dub you "The 1999 Budget" because of your massive surplus.

JULIAN O'NEILL
At a Southern Suburbs Leagues Club disciplinary hearing, you pass a motion of confidence in yourself.

JOHN HOWARD
Stung by Tasmanian independent Senator Harradine's rejection of your GST plans, you raise the spectre of a double disillusion erection but it carries no weight whatsoever with your wife who knows from bitter experience just what a hollow threat it is.

COSTELLO
You and your wife use the payout from the Bob Ellis defamation case to launch a new range of children’s toys based on your favourite cartoon characters, The Smirks.

ARIES
Network 10 agrees to pilot your idea for a new quiz show under the working title of “Dimwits Chase Shitloads of Cash But Win Fuckall”.

GEMINI
You initiate a paternity case against Keanu Reeves, claiming the US star impregnated you while in Sydney filming “The Matrix”. However, your case collapses and you are forced to pay a considerable sum in damages to Mr Reeves when the judge accepts expert medical testimony to the effect that it is not possible for a man to be pregnant.

DEVEREAUX
What’s that, Skip….a plane crash…12 miles away…..three survivors?

NATO
You are forced to issue yet another formal apology, this time for a missile attack on an orphanage for crippled children in the London suburb of Belgravia after fighter pilots mistakenly use a map photocopied from a McDonald’s Restaurant placemat.

PISCES
You agree to take part in Channel 9’s Changing Rooms program only to discover to your horror that the other decorating team consists of Julian O’Neill and Rose Hancock.

CHINESE EMBASSY
You are bombed by NATO warplane pilots who mistake you for a convoy of refugee tractors.