CAPRICORN
You lie awake all night wondering if the Queensland cricket side is going to take close to 80 years to win its first Pura Milk Cup.

MALCOLM TURNBULL
In your more reflective moments, you wonder if the republic referendum would’ve had a better chance if you hadn’t been such an oily, charmless, yuppie know-all.

TAURUS
You watch Channel 9’s “hot” show Sex and the City and wonder what all the fuss is about, since it stars four tired old swamp sows you wouldn’t root for practice.

VIRGO
You lie awake at night wondering where all those IT consultants who’ve made a squillion out of the Y2K bug scare will be come midnight December 31 – probably out drinking French champagne, scoffing caviar-stuffed mud crabs and laughing their heads off, you conclude.

DARYL
Determined to have another crack at producing a cutting edge television variety show despite the axing of Hey Hey It’s Saturday, you pick up the phone to seek expert advice, but there’s no answer at Bobby Limb’s house.

I’M INGE
Your fascination with anagrams is getting beyond a joke.

ARIES
While reading your horoscope you wonder if astrologers allow for daylight saving.

COSTELLO
Your elation at receiving a letter stating you are to be presented with a major humanitarian award is shortlived once you re-read it and realise it’s meant for your brother.

AQUARIUS
On retiring after 47 years with the local council road gang – with little superannuation and fewer savings – you realise it was your strict application of the “I before E except after C” rule you were taught in Year 4 that prevented you from enjoying a rich and rewarding academic career.

VIRGO
You can't believe your luck when, during a hastily taken Friday lunch break at work, you buy an instant casket ticket and scratch off $100. You put just $10 of that through a pokie machine and it pays $150 on the second spin. You return to the office to find you've won the $200 staff Xmas hamper with just the one $2 ticket. Then, on the way home and using numbers that come to you out of the blue, you buy the only six-number winning ticket in Saturday night's Gold Lotto. That winning ticket is still in your trouser pocket as they bag your possessions in the City Morgue after you are a hit by a council bus outside the casket agency while day-dreaming about your amazing run of good luck.

LEO
You check yourself for prostate cancer and are delighted with the results.

SAGITTARIUS
You make unbelievable eye contact with a strange women, but then again, aren't they all?

KERRY PACKER
Your reputation as an astute gambler is enhanced when your Saturday night Gold Lotto System 45 romps home.