Black eye for Hugh's career

Mickey Blue Eyes (M)
Director: Kelly Makin
Rating: 1.5/5

What do you call a movie in which Hugh Grant plays a Mafia gangster?
Would the answer be The Fop Wop?
The Babbling English Crook, perhaps?
Maybe at a pinch Mickey Blue Eyes?
No, the answer is really quite simple.
What you call a movie in which Hugh Grant plays a mafia gangster is a really, really, bad idea.
Unfortunately, just how bad an idea is not immediately obvious, for MBE starts out with a certain amount of flair and charm, largely due to the affable Mr Grant playing his stuttering Pommy git – this time an art auction house's charming and witty, self-effacing auctioneer by the name of Michael Fellatio, oops, I mean Felgate.
MBE only shows itself to be no hope of any awards of an imperial or Academy nature as the storyline unfolds of Mr Grant's love for Jeannie Tripplehorn's character, Gina Vitalie.
Gina's dad, Frank (James Cann) is a rather senior figure in a mafia crime family centred around his older brother, Vito (Burt Young) and his right armed man, Vinnie, played by the over-qualified Joe Viterelli, the ugliest and most perfectly cast character actor in Hollywood today.
Vinnie might be packing heat but the storyline is shooting blanks not too far into this predictable mess.
Why does the storyline falter? Well, let's analyse this!
Stories of innocents thrust into the messy and favour-for-favour world of the Mafioso are about as fresh as last season's bottled farts.
But they can also be a tried and proven vehicle for laughs with inherently cowardly people thrown headfirst into an alien and vicious underworld. Analyze This earlier this year proved this, and the laughs echoed like machine gun fire as Billy Crystal's nervous psychiatrist yiddishly administered to the brain repair needs of Robert de Niro's ruthless gangster.
One of the best giggles came when Crystal pretending to be a top mafia figure, slapping De Niro's murderous lieutenant (yep, Joe Viterelli, who else?) across the face and then raising his hand again with the threat of "a fresh one".
Somehow, a babbling, stuttering Hugh Grant being taught to speak Mafioso by James Cann just doesn't work the same room.
Perhaps Grant's too pretty. Perhaps he's just not much of an actor. Perhaps it's the rubbish he's got to work with. Whatever the reason, Grant effortlessly moves from being the movie's strength to its fatal weakness.
Towards the end he's looking more than just a little startled by the turn of events, and you can almost feel he knows he's blown his chance, as if some LAPD officer has just shone a torch into his rented car.
Your humble fillum reviewer doesn't normally reveal crucial script developments for the risk of spoiling it for the paying cinema goer.
But we'll make an exception here.
By the time MBE staggers its way to the last set piece – a contrived wedding scene where a police sting operation to ensnare Uncle Vito goes unfunnily wrong – anyone who thinks that Tripplehorn's character truly ruly gets shot dead is in real trouble.
Believe that and you probably believe that Ian Healy retired of his own free will, Hey Hey It's Saturday did the right thing and pulled the pin while still on top of the ratings tree, the Pakistanis played to their potential in the World Cup final, the republican referendum result was a resounding reaffirmation of our love for a constitutional monarchy and Queen Elizabeth, the new Brisbane city mall will look really nice once some vines grow over it, and, with a lot of hard work, Tubby Taylor will one day fill Richie Benaud's shoes admirably.
No, to plagiarise just one word from a mainstream newspaper review of Mickey Blue Eyes - fahgebbabodit.

- Don Gordon-Brown

Devil may care but we don't

End of Days (MA)
Director: Peter Hyams
Bug rating: 1.5/5

Here's a turn-up for the books, so to speak.
You know the Devil's number – 666? Well, we've had it arse about since Jesus was a small son of God.
It has taken Arnie Schwarzenegger's new flick, End of Days, to explain that the Prince of Darkness's real number is 999.
Where 666 came from is beyond this reviewer's grasp, having failed Sunday School 101 repeatedly. Perhaps The Bible. A parchment fragment in the Holy Land? Whatever, some fuckknuckle of an archaeologist or scriptureologist held it upside down by a flickering lantern and the 666 stuck.
So not only was it really 999 – but what happens when you add a "1" to the 999? That's right, you get 1999 – the last year of the millennium, give or take 12 months.
And according to the End of Days screenplay by Andrew W Marlowe, it's the only year in every thousand when Satan's got his one big shot at ensuring we all stoke the coals of hell's kitchen for eternity.
Or to paraphrase Revelations, 20: 7: "And when every thousand hours has ended, another Satan movie shall be loosed from a Hollywood scriptwriter's pen."
We should be kind to Arnie's first flick in two years after triple bypass surgery to combat enlarged muscles, but you really know a film's in trouble when the biggest laugh comes from the storyline's central thread. Our review audience certainly tittered merrily when this "666 is really 999 so beware 1999" rubbish was dished out.
Not that we had any chance of taking this too seriously, given one of the opening scenes in the Vatican 20 years earlier, where a frock of cardinals are busy kissing the Pope's ring
The Vatican inner sanctum? Yeah, right! And not a lap-dancing altar boy in sight. Not a single choir boy with a bottom like a peach, and double strength kimbies to match. Come on now!
It seems the cardinals have heard of the birth of the woman-child at the centre of Satan's helluva plan.
The Popes-in-waiting want to kill the child, making it impossible for the Devil to play 20 years down the track.
No, says the Pope, we can't fight evil with evil.
"We gotta hava da faith," he says rather infallibly and the cardinals, while not exactly chuffed with the decree, lean forward once more to kiss the Pope's much-puckered ring.
"Finda da girl and giva my love and protection," he commands. And as the cardinals start to disperse: "But, hey, not that sorta protection, okay!"
Present time. Back in the centre of the known universe – Manhattan – where ex-cop and tough security guard Jericho Cane (Arnie), a widower whose family has been violently murdered (gee, wonder if that's a script hook for later on!?) is eking out a living killing people and not drinking enough.
The devil's woman, Christine York, (Robin Tunney) is now a beautiful young creature, leading as normal a life as possible, given the head revolutions, vomiting and constant hallucinations that, sadly, are all part and parcel of living in the Big Apple and being possessed.
The Devil meanwhile has taken over the body of businessman Gabriel Byrne, and he's out a huntin' the missus as the millennium draws to a close.
Arnie slowing works out what's going down shortly between the Devil and Miss Bones; it seems Satan's got to pork Miss York in the very last hour of the millennium to achieve his unGodly way with all of us. Any other time and the seed won't stick.
Why this is so is not explained by the scriptwriter. Perhaps it's outlined somewhere in The Elbib, to quote the holy book by what I now know to be its proper name. Or maybe it's just that this action movie is one of the few that don't have a bomb set to go off, and so we can't build suspense with regular close-ups of the timer. Hence the very narrow window of opportunity to plant some wicked seed is the scriptwriter's way of tightening tension.
Whatever, back in the Vatican, the current-model Pope is sticking with the "can't fight evil with evil" line, while it seems a breakaway group of defiant holymen has decided the risk is too great and that they should stick it to Miss Bones before the Devil does.
They really needn't have bothered, because the Anti-Christ is bedevilled with a few problems of his own.
While the Devil can set streets on fire, blow up cafes, self -immolate people, metamorphose into any type of creature, take over any body and be everywhere at once, he still manages to lose his main bitch over and over again.
Not a bad effort seeing Miss York's household staff, step mother, doctor, etc, etc are all on the Devil's payroll and half of them were present when she was anointed at birth with some rattlesnake blood and ritualised chanting.
Arnie and Miss York seem to be able to elude the Devil on a whim, with a few jokes thrown in by Arnie's sidekick, Chicago, (Kevin Pollak) who's only there because Tom Arnold's gotten too big for his boots and doesn't do side-kick any more.
Satan catches up with them again, grabs the missus and gets his henchmen to beat Arnie to an unrecognisable pulp. Arnie is then nailed to a cross-like contraption which is then hauled way up the side of a crumbling tenement block.
The Devil says he wants Arnie to just hang there, dying a long and painful death, helpless as the Devil's horn roots humanity for good.
But we all know the crucifixion is for other reasons: it looks good on film (top symbolism, that!) while also making Arnie very easy to spot and be rescued by one of the good priests (Rod Steiger). Some spiritual salves on Arnie's inuries and he's back to his wisecracking best in no time. It's a blessed miracle; those injuries would have killed 10 normal men who never even entered the Mr Universe contest!
Arnie tracks down the Devil to an abandoned commercial premises that could pass for Hades, and then, in the nick of time, rescues Miss York as the Devil is about to mount a one-pronged attack in the .... what's this ... the MISSIONARY position!
The anti-Christ would make Miss York get on top, surely!
Arnie and Miss York easily escape, yet again, and rush to the church on time for the big final showdown with the Devil.
The Devil takes over Arnie, who doesn't act any better but turns wickedly on Miss York.
Can Arnie save the day? Will he do the right thing even though he's got the Devil in him and Miss York soon will have.
Will the Pope be proved right – as always?
And most importantly, will all those crappy computerised special effects fail to come to the rescue of yet another very average storyline?
Yes, ohhhh, yes.
My goodness, you horny little Devil!
Yes! Yeees! Yeeeeees!

The Thais that bind

Anna and the King (M)
Director:
Rating: 2 bugs

If you're not a big fan of movie musicals, you may change your mind half way through Anna and the King.
Half-way through Anna and the King is close to an hour and a half, and by then you and your bottom might just be praying for the King of Siam (Chow Yun-Fat) to shout "shall we dance?" at the Queen of Hollywood Jodie Foster and lapse into a good five minutes of music from the 1956 version with Deborah Kerr and The Bald Guy Who Smoked Too Much For His Own Good.
For it's midway through this old fashioned and quaint-humoured retelling of the diaries of English governess Anna Leonowens that many viewers will conclude that both the movie in general - and Foster's character in particular – are in urgent need of a damned good rogersing and hammersteining.
For, sadly, without a few stiring songs to Thai-d you over, this dramatic version of Anna's story of teaching the king's 68 children in the late 1800s – and accidentally falling in love with their overbearing father along the way – can be quite painful, despite the opulent sets, flowing costumes, rich score and countless extras that are the bread and buddha of such old-fashioned epic making.
Even several script side-bars involving palace treachery and a doomed love affair between two of the king's lowly subjects can't lift the tempo beyond elephant pace.
Also, this reviewer has no complaints if one of Hollywood's most decorated actors wants to try to bung on an English accent - a couple of Oscars suggests Foster's more than competent at her craft – except her character ends up as very much a midget Margo Leadbetter from the TV's The Good Life, with pursed lips and offended English air.
If you do happen to get dragged along to this ultimately unsatisfactory film, marvel at the fact that hardly anyone looks sideways at Ms Foster as she prims and propers her way through a teaming Bangkok wharf/marketplace in the late 1800s. Caucasian women would have been a rarity on the docks of Siam in those days, I'd' venture to suggest, and you'd think at least a couple of coolies might have cupped their mouths as she passed and whispered: "Wasn't she in The Silence of the Lambs?" or words to that effect.
And keep an eye out for the market vendor who bends over his basket of wares, revealing the outline of a very skimpy and very modern pair of underdaks under his inscrutably Oriental baggy trousers.
Arse-so!

- Don Gordon-Brown

Inspector Gadget (G)
Director: David Kellog
Bug rating: 1.5/5

The real Inspector Gadget was a damn good crime figther.
Inspector Gadget, the movie, is just a damn crime.
At the heart of the real Inspector Gadget's popularity as a children's cartoon were all his gadgets, gizmos and whizbangs.
Inspector Gadget, the movie, spends so much time and money on special effects showing off these gadgets, gizmos and whizbangs that it ends up having little heart at all.
And while the real Inspector Gadget was an engineering miracle, it will be an absolute miracle if Inspector Gadget the movie engineers more than a couple of chuckles from even the least discerning of very young audiences.
Director David Kellog has dished up a short movie (just over an hour) that has its moments, including a very promising opening sequence, but ends up being a thorough disappointment.
Perhaps a children's movie only has to be a silly bit of fun and need not focus on story, background, character development?
And then, maybe not, for the vast majority of the preview audience, including children, stayed mute for much of the movie.
Inspector Gadget's biggest problem, despite the absence of story, is the sheer lack of humour.
Everything is done to excess – silly dream sequences, over-acting, too many cunning stunts.
Adapted from the popular children's cartoon, the story focuses on a low-grade security guard, John Brown (Matthew Broderick) who is barbequed in a car explosion by the sinister Sanford Scolex (a shamlessly over-the-top Rupert Everett).
But of course the movie can't end there, so John Brown is reassembled by scientist Brenda (the quite impressive Joely Fisher) to become Inspector Gadget, new-age crime fighter.
It turns out Brenda and her father had been working on a secret project involving robotics, which Scolex wanted for himself, so he had to kill Brenda's father. Still following this serpentine plot?
From there, the movie settles quite comfortably into your standard battle between good and evil, with the good Inspector battling both Scolex and the evil RoboGadget (Broderick again) for control of the city and Brenda's affections.
Gadget even has the now-compulsory "no one can die because this is a Disney film" storyline.
This was pretty funny the first time, tiresome by the second and nearly objectionable here.
Even more worrying, however, is the fact that Inspector Gadget becomes the 4000th movie of the 1990s to bring a television show to the big screen.
Of these, about three have worked moderately well.
What will be next, The Mick Molloy Show - The Movie? Time will tell.

- Michael Gordon-Brown

The Blair Witch Project
Director:
Bug Rating: 4.5 / 5.

The Blair Witch Project is a disturbing cinematic experience, and for all the right reasons.
There are mixed reports around town, but don't let that put you off.
The Blair Witch Project is the feel good movie of the summer. See it with someone you love.
Basically it's a Disney film. It involves a woman who lives alone in a forest somewhere in the United States.
Because she's alone she is called a witch, and hunted by a variety of people.
Businesspeople try to get her to buy things from their stores to cheer herself up.
Various other cults try to get her to join them. Born-again Christians and Pentecostalists tell her that even though her life is a total failure they accept her as she is.
She resists their constant belittling entreaties.
Finally they send a posse into the forest in one final attempt to get her to join their pseudo families, offering her all the conditional love she could ever want, and willing to destroy her if that's what it takes to get her to join.
But the Blair Witch decides to fight back. As the posse of businesspeople, pseudo Christians and governement representatives make their way through the forest she scares the crap out of them, using the power of suggestion to psychologically destroy them.
This works for a while but unfortunately they napalm the forest, find her house and send her to jail for the rest of her life. The criminal!
How dare she not conform and be a good consumer and servant to their little power hierarchies!
This is a sad ending to the movie but The Blair Witch Project is true to life and that's what I like about it.
Plus the fact that it's terrifying.

- Simon Sandall