The Bug called in the world's top experts to create a machine that would finally "call stumps" on this crisis of confidence that has threatened to overshadow an excellent summer of cricket action and Channel 9 Wide World of Sports memorabilia sales.
This state-of-the-art device, called the Patsyometer, was used to compare the voice patterns of the one person who has come forward and owned up to making the hurtful comments about Queensland Test debutant, strapping blond Scott Muller.
The machine proved conclusively that Channel 9 personality, Cameraman Joe, was indeed the man at the centre of the controversy that has stopped a nation.
It will finally put an end to on-going scuttlebutt that the Sheik of Tweak, the Guru of the Googlie, one of the Twins of Spin, the Skipper of the Flipper, the Maestro of the Mystery Ball and the Earl of Twirl made the hurtful and un-Australian comments about an on-field team-mate, even if he does come from Queensland.
What your No 1 family street entertainment paper and netzine did was seek advice from some of the word's top voice pattern experts (vocalchordanalysts) and forensic scientists to come up with a device that would lay the matter to rest once and for all
The result is the Patsyometer, a one-of-its kind device which analyses voice patterns and determines ownership without any degree of doubt.
The Patsyometer is modelled only partly on the Channel 9 innovation, the Snickometer, which has proved conclusively already this summer that a sound is made when two material items of matter come into contact, although not necessarily leather or willow.
The Patsyometer, which is housed in a spare Boeing 747 maintenance shed at Brisbane Airport, is part Snickometer, part seismograph (the machine that measures size), and part lie-detector, with a few other gadgets thrown in to make its findings absolutely foolproof.
The entire Patsyometer system is powered by two units of the very same submarine-class diesel/electric engine that powers the twice-daily XPT rail services between Brisbane and Sydney.
The Bug's international team of experts first fed into the unit the soundtrack of Joe's startling admission on Channel 9's A Current Affair that he had uttered the "Can't Bowl, Can't Throw" jibe.
The Patsyometer broke down those voice patterns and displayed them on a state-of-the-art Epsom 200 colour printer (Figure 1, above).
We then needed to compare that pattern – very much like a DNA genetic fingerprint, if you like – with what we knew to be Joe's real voice.
So, unbeknown to the cameraman, we rang his Sydney home late at night with the Patsyometer running, and recorded the message shown at left (Figure 2).
We had to make quite a few phone calls because our experts told us it was vital that the subject be under similar levels of stress as when he made his prime-time confession, otherwise the Patsyometer readings could be open to an unacceptable margin of error.
The task completed, our panel of experts poured over the two graphs and unanimously came to the same conclusion.
There is not one scintilla of doubt that the man who confessed to saying "Can't Bowl, Can't Throw" was in fact Cameraman Joe.
Mr Joe was unavailable when we sought comment on our shock findings. Having been severely reprimanded by Channel 9, he is currently on extended holiday in the French Riverina with his immediate family and close circle of friends.
But the result takes an enormous amount of weight off the broad shoulders of the world's greatest-ever spin bowler.
Thanks to the findings of the Patsyometer, Shane Warne can finally put this controversy behind him and get out there and do what he does best – placing really large bets at casino roulette tables with money provided by anonymous but appreciative fans, and offering gratuitous weather tips in foreign cities in exchange for large amounts of money from illegal bookmakers.
