Australia
Following the November 6 referendum result you can now face the past with confidence.

Real Republican
You hop into bed with Kerry Jones thinking everything will be okay, but you end up getting fucked over something terrible.

Capricorn
You lie awake all night wondering why the abbreviation for number is No., even though the word "number" doesn't have a single "O" in it.

Libra
You decide to take the Y2K bug head on by spending New Year’s Eve flying on an Egypt Air Boeing 767 while having unprotected sex with a mad cow.

Gemini
You fire on all four cylinders all day long, which is a bit unusual.

Aries
You lie awake all night wondering if water gets even hotter once it starts to boil.

Leo
As you open your 75th consecutive dole cheque, you wonder why it takes two highly paid, talentless,but verbose individuals to host a Saturday Gold Lotto draw yet only one on Wednesdays and Thursdays.

Real Republican
Even though you've known for months that your next-door neighbour, the Australian Republican Movement, was planing a big, noisy and expensive party, come the night you vindictively call in the police and have the party shut down early. Now you plan a similar party of your own and foolishly hope the neighbours won't respond in kind.

Clem Jones
You begin to realise you probably won't see an Australian republic in your lifetime, even if it comes in sometime next year.

University of Queensland feminist
You scour the city's cinemas, ripping down Eyes Wide Shut promotional posters that are offensive to women because they depict Nicole Kidman staring into the distance.

Cancer
Why can’t Peter Reith get you and die?

Phil Cleary
Your team needs just one point to win the AFL Grand Final. The clock ticks down to the last 20 seconds. You line up your free kick 15 metres from the goal mouth. The screams of 98,000 fans echo around the MCG. In the split second the ball takes to drop from your hands on its trajectory to your powerful right foot, you decide to deliberately miss the point after realising you could win next year’s premiership by a bigger margin.

Dame Kerry Jones
You've got to admit it's got a nice ring to it. Well, it does, doesn't it?

John Howard
Your dreams of doing the Queen's opening at the 2000 Sydney Olympics are shattered.