Dear Doctor Dick,
Because my boyfriend and I masturbate each other, am I still am virgin?
And when the doctor asks am I sexually active, should I say yes or no?
Tinny Ivy Galley
June 23, 1998
Dr Dick replies:
In answering your first question, we can do no better than examine
the very similar dilemma currently facing the world's most powerful man,
and I refer of course to Bill "Zipper King" Clinton and the ongoing
Willygate saga.
Bill has given testimony under oath that he never, ever, not once had sexual
relations with former White House aide Monica Lewdinsky.
The Big Moaner has apparently since come cleaner than her favourite work
dresses to admit that when the affairs of state and saving the free world
as we know it really got Bill down, he'd shout: Blow this job! Always on
hand but not using it and a little hard of hearing, Monica would pay lip
service to the "this" part of Clinton's epithet and quickly soothe
the great man's anxiety with a tender bit of mouth to south resuscitation.
You see, Bill being a former brilliant barrister had found out that in some
parts of the good ol' US of A, sexual relations is defined as occurring
only if a person actually touches another person's genital areas, whether
or not they eventually get around to passing the turtle head through the
jade gates, so to speak.
So constitutional experts believe that the wily Willie has not perjured
himself when he argued that technically he wasn't having sex with Monica
because he never touched her pinkus bitums (L). The use of this technique
turns out now, and as it was during their entire affair of state, to be
much to his relief.
Put bluntly, Bill is arguing that while he knew Monica reasonably intimately,
at no stage did he impale.*
In what was apparently a regular late night sitting, the aloof leader of
the free world would remain rooted to his Oval Office chair, his hands cupped
behind his head as Monica, the ever dutiful aide, helped out the President
on a private member's bill he wanted to put before Congress. Or more correctly,
Monica would help out Bill's private member and put it in her mouth instead
of congress.
While the Prez talked dirty on the hands free phone to Secretary of State
Madeleine Albright (apparently this helped), Monica unselfishly gave the
world's most powerful if albeit slightly peculiar penis a right royal J
Edgar Hoovering.
But like all loving relationships, the Bill and Moaner show eventually turned
sour. One of the problems was that Monica, always prone to frumpishness,
had to be particularly careful about what she ate. Secondly, and more importantly,
she became more and more dissatisfied with the fact that Bill seemed to
have no interest whatsoever in seeking erection to her very own ovary office,
if you get our drift.
So, back to your own moral and legal dilemma.
If Bill wasn't having legally defined sex with the Moaner all that time
in the White House, this columnist argues that you therefore are still very
much a virgin just because you and your boyfriend masturbate each other.
Unless, of course, your boyfriend is a crafty legal eagle type himself who
has somehow convinced you that massaging your G spot with the sticky end
of his court brief doesn't constitute sexual intercourse in your part of
the world.
The second part of your question also has interesting legal and moral implications.
In my professional view, you are entitled to tell your doctor you are not
sexually active, provided you've been lying really, really still during
your mutual pleasure sessions.
As to another, unrelated part of your e-mail, I'll answer that in an upcoming
edition of my award-winning column.
EDITOR'S FOOTNOTE: Doctor Dick is too modest to explain that his "at no stage did he impale" line, attributed recently in that dreadful Brisbane paper, The Courier-Mail, to US comedian Jay Leno, was first used in his regular Bug column 18 months ago when writing about another Clinton conquest. Ever the modest sexologist, Doctor Dick freely admits he was given the line to use by the work's author, a brilliant Brisbane journalist and writer who cannot be named because Lindsay Marshall now works as press secretary for a Queensland Labor Government Minister .
