Leo
After a torried six-month affair with a contortionist, you eventually break it off.

Capricorn
You lie awake all night wondering how General Motors Holden can bring out a 50th anniversary Commodore when the model's only been on the market for 20 years.

Gemini
Your annoyance at having to turn down your stereo during a late-night party after the downstairs neighbour bangs repeatedly on his ceiling turns to compassion the following morning when you hear he has become the first man in Australia to die after being prescribed viagra.

Taurus
You form a support group for like-minded people who don't think that Martin Molloy are all that funny.

Cancer
You lie awake all night wondering why fresh almond nuts are really enjoyable to eat yet mazipan tastes like shit.

Virgo
You try to be funny and people just laugh at you.

Saggitarius
You lie awake all night wondering why, if a store escalator is broken down, it's always the one that would have been going up.

Scorpio
You lie awake all night wondering why, even if there is only one other person in the private boxes vestibule at your local post office, not only are they invariably right in front of your own box number, but they stand there for several minutes shuffling through their mail and only look up, notice you and apologise when they turn to leave.

Pisces
The star sign we had intended to put here has been deleted because, quite frankly, we didn't think you've got the nous to understand it.

Aquarius
After being engaged for two years and experiencing what could only be described as a moderately satisfying sex life together, things look up after your partner suggests you honeymoon at Viagra Falls.

Aries
What seemed like easy money after your local medical university advertised for guinea pigs to try a female version of viagra turns sour when you are rushed to hospital for the expensive surgical removal of a bar-room stool.