Taurus
A sadistic home invader forces you to sit in your loungeroom chair and read the first chapter of a Patrick White novel that's been in your bookshelf for years.

Virgo
You lie awake at night wondering if the year 2000 in Roman numerals is MM.

Cancer
Regardless of the answer to the question that Virgo raised above, you lie awake in your own bed wondering what year in the whole of the current millennium would have had the largest number of Roman numerals in it.

Capricorn
You lie awake all night wondering why people always announce that so-and-so just gave birth to a baby girl or a baby boy, seeing it would be pretty ugly scene all round if they didn't.

Born loser
On your instant lottery ticket, you scratch off three "set for life" panels which means you've won $50,000 a year for 25 years, but then you immediately uncover a fourth "set for life" panel which makes the instant lottery ticket instantly invalid.

Saggitarius
You can't believe your luck when, walking down a deserted and darkened laneway armed with a 3lb cricket bat, you accidentally bump into the performance artist who first had the idea of painting themselves silver and standing really still for a long time in public places.

Virgo
A woman staff member down at the bank called you a first-class wanker, and you vow never to donate sperm there ever again.

Leo
You will sleep tonight in a jungle, a mighty jungle.