Dear Dr. Dick,
I was intrigued recently with the wonderful news concerning that world-first
surgical procedure in Lyon, France, where a gifted Aussie surgeon in a nine-hour
operation provided a long-term amputee with the hand of a dead man. As media
attention seems to have drifted away from this inspiring case, I'd like
an update as to how the patient is faring a few months down the track.
Got to hand it to 'em
Manly, Sydney.
Dr Dick replies:
Not to good, I'm saddened to have to report. While the post-operative
care team was first concerned about whether the patient's immune systems
would reject his donor hand, the opposite is now the case and is causing
grave concern. The donor, it turns out, was a compulsive wanker.
Dear Dr. Dick,
I've been thinking of trying anal sex with my boyfriend. If I go to the
toilet before hand and let it all out, how can I be sure that there still
won't be some left on his penis?
Tywanna Ivy Gulley
June 23, 1998
Dr Dick replies:
Your e-mail causes me a great deal of concern, my child, so I'd
like to share a little piece of wisdom passed down to me by my maternal
grandfather.
A former meatworker at Ross River Abattoir in Townsville, gramps is long
gone now, of course, but I still remember the pearls of wisdom that used
to spill from his lips as we sat on the verandah of his high-set worker's
cottage at Oonoonba. He was a big bull of a man with a burnt-red leather
exterior that belied a heart of gold and a temperament of marshmallow.
I remember one summer when I was about nine, and we were watching the bats
fly overhead in their squadrons of thousands, blackening the sky and bringing
on dusk a few minutes early. Gramps had been musing on a number of his favourite
topics - the Ashes Test cricket then under way and the Aussies' lack of
a world-class all-rounder, the way the bosses at the abattoir hated workers
for bargaining collectively and being prepared to strike for fair pay and
conditions, and his pet subject – the beauty and wonderment of women,
especially his beloved wife of 30 years, his princess Maud.
"When you grow up, lad," he told me that night, "promise
me one thing."
I realised he was waiting for me to nod, and he continued once I had responded.
"Never, ever," he said. "go up the tan track without a rubber!"
That sound piece of advice - offered decades before the scourge of AIDS
- has stayed with me to this day, and it's one you and your boyfriend should
take heed of.
Dear Dr Dick,
It's kind of ironic that at a time when Viagra seems to be in the news ever
other day, I have the exact opposite problem. I get erections all the time;
often in situations that are very, very embarrassing. Is there some medication
on the market to put a stop to these constant erections - an anti-Viagra
pill, so to speak?
Horns of a dilemma
Toowoomba.
Dr Dick replies:
Help is at hand. I have this very afternoon mailed to you in
plain paper wrapping some full-colour publicity shots thoughtfully provided
by the electoral office staff of newly appointed Aged Care Minister Bronwyn
Bishop.
Dear Doctor Dick,
What is the difference between fat and cholesterol? Have you ever woken
up with a cholesterol?
Graham Critchley
October 7, 1998
Dr Dick replies:
Once or twice, and it probably goes without saying but they were absolute
whoppers!
Dear Doctor Dick,
I have a problem. My dick is only an inch long and I don’t know what
the fuck to do about it. All the girls I have been with always leave before
the condom is put on, because the condom won't fit. What should I do? Is
there such thing as extra small condoms? Please give me some advice cause
I really need a screw.
Chris Williams, Kingaroy
October 23, 1998
Dr Dick replies:
Dear former friend of Chris Williams of Kingaroy. What sort of
arsehole would humiliate a mate by using his name on a one-inch-dick query
to Doctor Dick? Someone with a one-inch dick too embarrassed to use his
own name, that's whom! Still, my professionalism requires me to give you
a straight up answer, even if it's only an inch long.
If you go through the Queen Street mall in Brisbane and walk up Isles Lane
about 20 metres, you'll find a small chemist shop there that specialises
in a South African brand of condom designed especially for the diminutive
Kalahari bushmen. Or at least that's what I've been told.
Got a sex problem that needs fixing? Doctor Dick
can help.
Address your questions to Dr Dick, P.O. Box 696, Fortitude Valley. Q. 4006,
or drop him an e-mail.
