VIRGO

Regarded by family and friends as having a rather timid personality, you throw caution to the wind and decide to use only one-ply toilet paper for the rest of the year.

BRENDON ABBOTT

You finally get arrested at an isolated beach shack near Proserpine by an alert off-duty Queensland policeman who mistakes you for Peter Foster.

SANTA CLAUS

You don’t come this year because your copy of Hot and Naked Scandanavian Elves is delayed in the post.

SCORPIO

Though you are a dedicated raver, finances make prospects for the festive season appear bleak. That is until The Smith Family gives you seven eccies and five acid trips for the 12 days of Xmas and your attitude to institutionalised charities is changed forever.

PRINCESS DI

Nothing. Just thought we’d milk the name one more time.

AQUARIUM

People say there’s something fishy about you.

TAURUS

You decide to buy a cheap mobile phone from the estate of a 35 year old who died of brain cancer. You ring everyone telling them about your bargain.

HILARY CLINTON

You get thrown out of an exclusive men’s club because of your husband's appalling taste in women.

PISCES

See Aquarium.

GEMINI

To surprise your spouse on their birthday, you go out and get a nose put in your ring.

SAGGITARIUS

While getting plastered in a city gay bar, you suddenly remember that your trip into town was actually to buy stoned fruits for the family's Christmas meal.

LEO

You set the date to start bringing down countries and achieve world domination. It's February 29, 1999.

GREAT 30-YEAR-OLD MYSTERIES

How Harold Holt died and how Daryl Summers has managed to stay on prime-time national television for so long.