Aries
You wonder why used-car yards often put the words "drive away" under the price painted on the windscreen, because you'd be pretty pissed off if you couldn't.

Gemini
You lie awake all night trying to make a totally original sound – one that isn't covered by one of the existing letters of the alpabet.

Virgo
You lie awake all night wondering what that fuckwit in the downstairs flat is up to this time.

Cancer
You can't believe your luck when, walking down a darkened laneway late one night armed only with a 2kg cricket bat, you encounter the person who invented the whipper-snipper.

John Hopoate
You are still trying to finger out who dobbed you in.

Leo
You decide to stop washing your hands in public toilets when you realise it's a total waste of time seeing that the tap you're turning off still has all the faecal contamination from when you and everyone else first turned it on.

Libra
You wonder why pilots put their arms up to protect themselves when they are about to crash into a mountainside.

Scorpio
You suddenly realise what a stupid word “deceased” is, because if someone is dead then they have ceased, but if they have de-ceased then they must be un-dead, therefore a more appropriate way to describe someone who has died is to say
they are “ceased”.

Aquarius
You lie awake in bed all night wondering that if a vegetarian eats vegetables, then what do humanitarians eat?

Capricorn
Someone asks you if you’ve seen Traffic and you say yes, you live on Nudgee Road.