Aries
You can't believe your luck when, walking down a deserted lane late at night and armed only with a 3lb cricket bat, you bump into the plant geneticist who made aubergine commercially available.

Gemini
You use the toilet at your mother-in-law's and notice to your horror that a very persistent floater will not respond to repeated flushing. You eventually fish it out, wrap it in some tissue papers and put in in the bathroom's tidy bin. Later that night, your wife takes a rather disturbing call on her mobile phone.

Virgo
You lie awake all night wondering why people who would never dream about reading a normal letter over your shoulder seem to have no such quarms when you're retrieving your personal e-mail.

Cancer
As the sort of person who has always walked on the sunny side of the street, you are shocked to be told by your local GP that you have an inoperable melanoma.

Saggitarius
Your doctor tells you that your arsehole appears to have closed over completely and that while he's never seen the condition before and has no idea how to remedy it, he suggests it might be wise to stop eating for a while.

Leo
You will roar tonight in the jungle, a mighty jungle.

American Negro voters
Fuck you!

Mrs Claus
You were the only person in the world who didn't want Santa to come early this Christmas.

Kim Beazley
You put your wristwatch close to your ear and discover that it only tocks.

Libra
Several weeks after the event, you are still shaking your head in dismay and disbelief after making wild, passionate love in the men's wash room to the chief executive officer of the company you work for, not only because you've always been totally opposed to office brown nosers, but you had always regarded yourself to that point as totally heterosexual.

Scorpio
You create a fashion company called CNUT and become an overnight failure.

Bill Clinton
Sensing you are very, very close to having brokered lasting peace in the Middle East, you give yourself a cigar and it feels good.

Aquarius/Taurus
Yours was a long and painful birth.

John Howard
Lying awake one night at Kirribilli during a parliamentary session, you decide to further toughen your government's sanctions against unemployed people who won't move to where the jobs are.

Capricorn
After 12 years with the same company, you are laid off with a redundant package.