Remember those halcyon days of the 50s and 60s and family life as depicted in Father Knows Best or My Three Sons? Of course you don't! It's been a long time since men were portrayed as such wise and stabilising forces at the head of their families. Nowadays, it's more likely to be Garry and Chris from Men Behaving Badly, two pathetic, insensitive yobbos who have only just mastered the art of walking upright and drinking a pint simultaneously. The males in Friends perhaps? Insipid, easily-led and with one thing on their minds. So what happens when you create a risque comedy about four young women in the politically correct modern age? You get Sex in the City, as our television reviewer explains.

You want me to do what!!!!!

IT's all cunting-age stuff, or course - four modern New York women constantly on the prowl for love or lust.
Each episode, they are blighted in this worthwhile pursuit by small penises, men who demand head jobs all the time, small penises, handsome men who are gay and ain't that always the case, small penises, men who come too early, small penises, men who want to do it up the bum, small penises.
Got the idea? It's all very naughty and reeks of taboo-breaking.
Especially the episode when one of our quartet had her cunt painted and hung on a gallery wall for all to see. Now that must have hurt. Not to mention embarrassing to hell, especially if she had, well, you know, a B. I. G. cunt.
My apologies for using the word cunt, too, but you'll probably remember the episode for it was hyped to the gills for weeks before it was actually shown on free-to-air tele.
So what are these four characters really like? On the surface, they look pretty good, even if a few are doing their best to increase tobacco sales among the young and impressionable. It's only after viewing several episodes that you snatch a glimpse more into their souls than their holes, and come to the conclusion that you probably wouldn't root them for practice. Besides, all these jokes about small penises are a bit rich coming from some of these slappers, who have been around so long they're probably starting to slide down bar-room stools.
Nevertheless, they keep getting away with next-to-blue murder, and the one episode we want to dissect is the one where one of their number couldn't be lured out of her apartment for a harmless night of pipe-laying because she had fallen in love with her dildo.
We are not talking about your standard-fare dildo here. This multi-pronged device had more moving parts than the assembly line at General Motors, glowed in the dark, was powered by a small, portable generator and was clearly the wrong colour for something that size.
Fair enough, The Bug reckons, provided in this enlightened, politically correct age, the executives behind Sex and the City also see merit in the following sketch outline for a new sit-com concerning the lustful ways of four 30-something male executives in the same city.

The scene starts with three of our stars, Tyrone, Brad and Mitch, knocking furiously on the loft apartment door of their mate, Aaron.
All three: C'mon Aaron. We can hear you're in there? Join us for a drink?
Aaron: (muffled voice) Count me out, fellas. I'm going to stay in and clean up the pad.
All three, looking at each other knowingly: Yeah, right! (canned laughter) They keep knocking.
Aaron opens the door sheepishly, naked except for a bath towel around his waist.
Tyrone: Wow, is that a mongrel you've got down there or are you just please to see us. (Canned laughter as boys push their way inside).
Brad: You holding out on us here? You got some crumpet in here or are you just flying solo.
Tyrone: Not at all. I was just about to get in the bath and give it a good scrub.
Mitch: A good scrubber more like it. (canned laughter).
Brad looking around: Well then, you don't mind if we grab a beer here then? Ty and I are going to the game later if you change your mind and Mitch is heading around to his girl's pad. Jo's badly in need of a grease and oil change. (canned laughter as Mitch is a motor mechanic)
Aaron (hesitating): Yeah, sure. Grab some beers out of the fridge and plop yourself down.
Tyron: Why's this door to the den closed then?
Aaron (rushing across the room): Don't go in there, I've ah errr, just shampooed the carpet. It says not to use it for four hours.
Tyrone: Yeah, right. (pushes door open) What on earth is this!!!!
Inside the room is a large contraption on a piece of bright blue splash plastic sheeting. It's a carpenter's horse, on top of which is strapped a large cylinder fed by various pipes and fitted with gauges. The boys gather around it.
Brad: What the fuck is that!
Aaron: It's... ah, nothing.
Brad (pushing his fist inside the cylinder): It's lined with velvet and is quite warm! Okay, Aaron, what the fuck's going on here?
Aaron (sheepishly): Well, you know. It's a.... um, it's a, you know, an AV.
Mitch: AV?
Aaron: Artificial vagina.
Tyrone: Well, I'll be fucked!
Aaron: That's the general idea.
(canned laughter)
Tyrone: So how's it work then?
Aaron (warming to their interest): Well the outer sleeve is for the warm water. Then these hydraulic pumps on the side here come off an old alfa-laval milking machine. That's what contracts and expands the inner sleeve.
Brad: Two-way movement!
Aaron: Well, four actually. Lateral as well. I've added a reverse thruster.
Mitch: Tapping a gauge. Ever red-lined it?
Aaron: Shit, mate. Do you want your head to cave in?
(canned laughter)
Mitch: I see you've used an old Victa mower motor as the power source. Two or four stroke?
Aaron: Why use four when two will do?
(canned laughter)
Brad (walking around and rubbing his chin): So you don't have to buy it a $100 meal first?
(canned laughter)
Mitch: The days of the food and wine bandits are over!
(canned laughter)
Aaron: And you don't have to talk to it afterwards!
(canned laughter)
Aaron (giving the device a hug): Not unless you want to.
(canned laughter)
Tyrone: I don't eh, suppose we could, you know, give it a try. Take it out for a spin?
(canned laughter)
Aaron: What about your game?
Brad: They never had any chance of reaching the play-offs anyway.
(canned laughter)
Aaron: And what about Jo?
(canned laughter)
Mitch: Jo who?
(canned laughter)
Aaron: Well, okay then. But I built it so I'm going first.
Brad, Tyrone and Mitch together: I'm not going slops!!!
(canned laughter) (The other three start to undo their belts).
Aaron: Hold on, fellas (grabbing the motor cord) I've got to get the sucker started yet and running smoothly
(canned laughter)
Aaron: Brad, you duck into the bathroom. There's a bucket of industrial strength KY Jelly on the bottom of the towel cupboard.
(canned laughter)
Aaron: And Mitch, on the bottom shelf in the fridge you'll find the jar of anchovies.
(canned laughter).

The Bug is waiting patiently by the phone for a call from the television producers.