Sagittarius
You become the victim of a sadistic home invader who ties you to a loungeroom chair and forces you to watch an entire episode of Hey, Hey, It's Saturday.

Virgo
You lie awake all night wondering why, if unruly street demonstrations in Jakarta can force the Indonesian Government to make Megawati Sukarnoputri vice-president with only a third of the popular vote, how come we can't we do the same thing here and make Kim Beazley Prime Minister seeing he got 51 percent?

Capricorn
You lie awake all night wondering why people always announce that so-and-so just gave birth to a baby girl or a baby boy, seeing it would be pretty ugly scene all round if they didn't.

Jeff Kennett
Repeat to yourself 25,000 times a day: "I am not a loser!"

Gemini
You reach that age in life where a good dump first thing in the morning is about as good as it gets.

Caged bird
Your partner flies off in a huff after you foolishly suggest a menagerie a trois.

Aries
You lie awake all night wondering why people describe sure-fire winners as a "laid-down misere" when, not only is the object of a laid-down misere to lose every single trick, but that most people who try a laid-down misere do so with a hand that's got more gaps in it than the front row of a French can-can.

Leo
You lie awake all night wondering why you can't get to sleep.

Gemini
You lie awake all night wondering if it was really such a good idea to rip off that pearler of a fart as soon as you hit the sack, considering you'd hoed into a very large and very hot serving of beef vindaloo only hours before.

Cancer
You lie awake all night wondering, if Channel 9 decides to put together a two-hour Best of Hey Hey It's Saturday special together to mark the demise of the program after almost three decades on Australian television, what are they going to pad out the last 75 minutes with?

University of Queensland student
You lie awake all night wondering if your partner really loves you, considering that all during sexual intercourse earlier in the evening she had appeared dazed and was looking into the distance.

Rhode Island Red
You lay awake all night and still can't get that sucker out.