ARIES

You suspect you may soon appear on one of those hidden camera TV shows when your cab driver is well dressed, knows exactly how to get to your destination, speaks only when spoken to and has change for a $50 note.

LEO

Your dreams of snaring a huge share of the lucrative market for women’s sanitary products are shattered and you face dozens of lawsuits – not to mention huge dry cleaning bills - after the new super tampon you invent is found to expand lengthways and not widthways.

JOHN LAWS

Your national radio program is extended by 30 minutes to enable you to comply with new rules requiring you to disclose on air your personal sponsorships and endorsement deals.

GEMINI

You lie awake at night wondering why supermodels earn millions of dollars for being genetic accidents who work a few hours a week and travel the world, yet always look so bored.

TAURUS

You find a niche in the crowded consultancy market and make a fortune by specialising in helping people find names beginning with “Mc” or “Mac” in the phone book.

VIRGO

Despite considering yourself environmentally aware, you still prefer to buy fly spray that’s loaded with toxins guaranteed to kill instead of those organic-based, non-allergenic, ozone-friendly, namby-pamby brands.

SAGITTARIUS

Out of the blue the thought occurs to you that the world has not come to an end even though Ray Martin still doesn’t have a regular on-air role with Channel 9.

AQUARIUS

You cannot believe your luck when walking down a dark laneway late at night carrying a cricket bat, you meet the American TV consultant who first struck upon the idea of funny weather presenters.

GEMINI

You become an instant overnight millionaire when you invent a competitively priced bathroom aerosol can which contains only pressurised air and is marketed under the brandname: Shit stinks! Get Over It!

SAGITTARIUS

You lie awake in bed all night wondering why Test cricket is played by exceptionally fit young men but officiated by unfit old codgers who look like they should be home in front of the tele with their dressing gown and slippers on and their favourite pipe lit.

SUSAN

You and your friends go to the local Chinese restaurant and enjoy a scrumptious banquet served on a lazy you.