LONDON: Insurance actuaries at Lloyds of London are understood to have calculated that there is only a slim chance the Queen Mother would live for more than another five years.
British tabloid newspaper, News of the World, yesterday published details of a file on the Queen Mother leaked from Lloyds which suggested the world’s favourite royal was already living on borrowed time, because the average life expectancy of a British woman was 78.
A spokesman for the respected and world famous insurance firm refused to comment when contacted.
“It is a most unpleasant question, and one this firm will not dignify with a response,” the spokesman told the paper.

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LONDON: The London Stock Exchange yesterday reported a sharp and unexpected drop in the price of gin futures.
Floor traders were unable to determine the cause of the decline.
Similar falls were reported in ostrich feather and walking stick stocks.

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LONDON: A new Tube line to honour the life of the Queen Mother is to be built at a cost of more than two thousand million English pounds, the Blair Government has announced here.
Prime Minister Tony Blair told Parliament the Queen Mother Centenary Line would have only two stations and run from Clarence House in the capital to Balmoral Castle in Scotland.
He said travel on the line would be completely free for all passengers, so that ordinary English taxpayers can get a feel for what it's like to be an on-going drain on the public purse.

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LOS ANGELES: A 56-year-old local man is suing British pop group Duran Duran (Welsh for crap music, crap music) for mistakenly posting his phone number on the Duran Duran website.
Cornell Zachary, an unemployed machinist (i.e. unemployed), has filed a lawsuit seeking an undisclosed amount for invasion of privacy and pathetic lyrics against the former new romantic songsters. The law suit against Duran Duran, famous for logical songs like This is planet earth and Hungry like the wolf and illogical songs like Union of the snake is unlikely to succeed as even Duran Duran's lawyers haven't a clue what happened to Duran Duran.

- Report: Steve Webb