Dr Dick is unable to fulfil his regular columnist duties at present. He has had to travel to Bangkok to address the 69th annual Infectious Venereal Diseases Conference. In his absence, he has asked his longtime friend, colleague and eminent gynaecologist, Dr Mike Hunt-Hertz, to answer readers’ queries.
Dear Dr Hunt-Hertz:
I have this thing with eating pussy, and I like it clean shaven. What
is the best way you can tell me to convince a girl to trim her bush?
Thanks,
CW
Hampton, Va, USA
January 27
Dr Hunt-Hertz replies:
Dear CW,
Your girlfriend called her cat Bush? Seriously though, I like clean-shaven
female genitalia too, but for a very different reason. As a gynaecologist
I know the value of maintaining a sterile environment when examining my
patients. It is very easy for cross-infection to occur even when doctors
take the utmost care. For that reason, I often encourage my patients to
give themselves the once over with hubby’s Schick before they come
to see me. If you cannot raise your concerns with your girlfriend directly,
get her to make an appointment with me and I’ll have my receptionist
explain my "Schick Mick" requirements which, happily, happen to
coincide with yours.
Dear Dr Hunt-Hertz:
Hello, how are you? I have a problem. When I ejaculate, only a little
of cum comes out. How can I get more cum to come out? Also why do some men
ejaculate so fast? Is it because they are excited or do they have a problem?
Does it run through the history of a family?
Thanks,
B McK
January 19
Doctor Hunt-Hertz replies:
No, if you are too excited it usually runs through your fingers. But, to answer your first question, I am fine. Thank you for asking. You see your problem, right there? You’re just too damned polite, man. Who gives a bowel movement if you come quickly or fail to wash your partner off the bed with a tsunami of semen? Thankfully my female patients never whinge and whine to me about failing to ejaculate or not ejaculating enough. My advice is simple – stop worrying and start pleasuring the one true love of your life. You.
Dear Dr Hunt-Hertz:
A mate told me it's possible to increase the length of your penis
with natural herbs. Is this true as it would be great to achieve that without
resorting to surgery? Please don’t put my question out on the net.
Thanks,
Made Up Name Witheld At Request
Dec 31.
Dr Hunt-Hertz replies:
Dear Made-Up Name Withheld at Request,
I’m sorry, but Dr Dick has told me he never ethically refuses
to publish answers to questions posed through this column. After all, as
he explained to me, Bug devotees often gain important insights into their
own problems by reading about those of others. As a fellow professional,
I intend to follow suit. And, yes, you've heard correctly, young man. There
are certain natural herbs that, when used in sufficient quantities, dampened
thoroughly and placed in a large kitchen tidy bag, can increase penis size,
provided you stand on a chair or kitchen table long enough and never let
the bag touch the ground regardless of how painful the process becomes.
You might also be interested in the work of a patient of mine (who’s
also a fellow medico) presently undertaking research into the physiology
of bushmen in the Kalahari region of Africa. Her work may eventually corroborate
the herb/penile length nexus, as the bushmen's diet is largely herbal and
the fact that a typical bushmen's penis drags on the ground is only partly
attributable to their small stature. Sadly, the most recent medical journals
I have read indicate that no breakthrough is imminent. In her last published
report, Dr Janice Bedfast - the woman undertaking the research project sponsored
by the US-based Lawrence Flynt Foundation - indicated she was still only
in the early stages of her field work. In fact, the article in The Australian
Medical Journal by Dr Bedfast – or, la vagine enormement, as she is
referred to by her French-African assistants – suggested it may be
some years before she will be able to articulate any correlation between
penis size and the diet of the bushmen, which may help isolate naturally
occurring foodstuffs governing penile development. In the meantime, all
I can say is that in all my experience only one natural substance can make
your penis grow longer. Marijuana has an extraordinary effect on all the
senses. When taken – according to a doctor’s prescription and
funded through Medicare – it can give a person the sensation of having
gigantic sexual organs. Its hallucinogenic effects can make your private
parts seem to double or triple in size. Of course, this has a positive psychological
effect only if you are a male.
Dear Dr. Hunt-Hertz:
I’ve been recently divorced from a woman I’ve been with for 16 years. Now that I have found a new love, I can’t seem to keep it up. While my clothes are on, I commonly get an a erection, but once I get my clothes off, down it goes..... What’s my problem?
KG
January 22
Dr Hunt-Hertz replies:
Dear KG,
This is a problem that is more common than you may think. It has to do with the time it takes to expose your genitals in readiness for sexual intercourse. Studies have shown that the more time it takes to get undressed after sexual arousal has occurred, the more likelihood there is of that arousal diminishing. Unfortunately, we males living in the so-called “civilized” western world are hampered by having to take a comparatively long time to disrobe. During that time, it is not uncommon for thoughts of sexual desire to fade. Just think about it. If you and your partner come home from work and are eager to indulge in some consensual sexual congress, you – as the male – must: take off your coat, undo your tie, unhook at least six shirt buttons, undo two cuff buttons or cufflinks, remove your shirt, unbuckle your belt, undo the top button of your trousers, unzip your fly and then remove your trousers, followed by your underwear. All this takes time. It’s no wonder “the moment has passed”, so to speak, once you have done all of the above. All I can suggest is that you start experimenting with different types of male attire. Try wearing a kilt or sarong for a few weeks. Or, if you really want to add spice to your sex life while addressing your problem, try a muu-muu. Let me know if it works.
Dear Dr Hunt-Hertz:
I am married and my husband is away from home for long periods of time.
I enjoy sex with other men. Recently I had intercourse with a co-worker.
I always make sure they use condoms. After we had intercourse a few times
I examined the head of his penis (and) I felt a bump on it. The bump turned
out to be a wart. He didn’t have any other warts on his body. He said
it wasn’t a STD. Are there warts on the penis that are not STD? Can
I pass this on to my husband? I will find it hard to talk to my family doctor
about this.
Debbie
January 21
Dr Hunt-Hertz replies:
Dear Debbie,
You should be grateful you raised this question with me and not some
other doctors I could name. I pride myself on taking an open and tolerant
approach to the wide variety of problems with which I am confronted in my
clinics on a daily basis. Indeed, while other medicos may take the opportunity
to brand you as a cheap, cheating tart reaping God’s punishment for
committing a mortal sin and destroying the sanctity of your marriage, I
will not do so. Let me just say that in most cases, the unpleasant looking
bump on the end of a man’s penis is usually his wife. But in your case
your friend’s bump may indeed be a simple genital wart. Such warts
can be treated with the application of a solution available on prescription
from any doctor. You should encourage your friend to visit a GP and have
it checked out. Luckily, such warts are not life-threatening, but can recur
and need continued treatment when they do. You have reacted fairly typically
for a woman in such circumstances. Unfortunately, most men take a fairly
laid-back approach to such minor eruptions on their members. It may be that
– depending on the size of the bump – your friend is grateful
for the extra length. I have also had male patients who casually dismiss
such warts, bumps or other weeping malformations as “speed bumps for
teeth”. However, this is not an attitude which I endorse.
Dear Dr Mike Hunt-Hertz,
I own a little bar and greasy spoon in this outa-the-way place. I frequently
get asked the sort of questions you have to field in your widely acclaimed
column.
Anyhow . . . the other day a young man walked into my bar.
"What can I get you?" I asked.
"I want six shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.
"Six shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a seventh on the house,"
I said, not regularly given to giving it away.
"No offence," he said to me, "but if six shots won't get
rid of the taste, nothing will."
Doctor, do you think I should have offered him OP Bundy?!
Rick Bogart
Casablanca
February 7.
Doctor Mike Hunt-Hertz replies:
You really must live in an outa-the-way place if you thought
that joke was fresh.
Dear Doctor Mike Hunt-Hertz,
If a guy has a reversal from a vascectomy, is there any chance of falling
pregnant? Answer my prayers: I hope there is not.
BABE
February 1
Doctor Mike Hunt-Hertz replies:
There has never been a recorded case in world medical history of a guy falling
pregnant following a vascectomy reversal.
Dear Doctor Mike Hunt-Hertz,
My lover has this thing about having one sexual orgasm when we do it. I
ALWAYS WANT MORE. WHAT CAN I DO?
One Nutt
February 10
Doctor Mike Hunt-Hertz replies:
Have as many as you like.
Dear Readers,
Thank you for allowing me to answer your questions this edition. It has been a real pleasure for me. I look forward to standing in for my friend Dr Dick again whenever he asks.
Dr Mike Hunt-Hertz
Got a sex problem that needs fixing? Doctor Dick can
help.
Address your questions to Dr Dick, P.O. Box 696, Fortitude Valley. Q. 4006,
or drop him an e-mail.
