jeff

World's Funniest Yarns
with Jeff McSweeney

This is a classic yarn set in Central Queensland in the 1920s.
There were two ringers who were working on a property west of Boguntungan. They were doing some fencing and when they finished they headed in to the homestead to get their cheque. Then they rode off for Boguntungan where Mim's Hotel was. The reason they chose Mim's Hotel was because it was the only one in town. When they got there they saw Mim standing at the top of the stairs. “Can you fellows do me a favour?” she said with a voice like Laura Majors.
“Depends on what the favour is,” one of the ringers said, dryly.
She said, “Old Tim has been staying here for the past two weeks and has drunk and eaten up big. Now he's done a runner and he's at the train station and due to leave in ten minutes on the next train to Rocky. I wonder if you’d go down and beat him up for me?”
The ringer doing the talking looked in at the rum behind the bar. “Mim, we're gentlemen and we couldn't beat up an old man like that. It's not done.” He was only saying that, of course. He really just wanted to go in there and drink the rum.
“Oh, come on,” she said. “You two are like sons around here. All right,” she said. “There’s a coffee bottle in it for you.”
Back in those days they used to have hip-flask sized bottles of rum called coffee bottles. She wasn't offering them a bottle of coffee or something.
“I'm sorry,” one ringer said.”But it's not done.”
“Ok, I'll give you a large bottle of rum each. How about it?”
They looked at each other. They were tempted. “I'm sorry Mim,” one said. “There are certain principles we have and we couldn't beat up old man. It's cowardly. We couldn't do it for ten bottles of rum.”
So they went in and sat at the bar and got into the rum. They had a good time, and they were funny drunks. One of them kept trying to light his cigar and dropping it on the floor. But after a while the fun ended when their cheque ran out. That’s the funny thing about cheques. Ever noticed how they always seem to run out eventually? But after all the drinking they'd been doing it was no wonder! So they called Mim over.
“Mim,” they said. “Is there any chance of getting a bottle of rum on credit?”
“No. The rule is no money, no drink,” she said.
“Oh, come on,” they said. “We're like sons around here. Ok, how about a coffee bottle?”
“No. There is no drink for people with no money.”
“What about a glass each?”
“Sorry. No credit. That's the rule.” Mim walked off and the two ringers stared at all that beautiful rum they'd never get to drink.
“Gees,” one said. “I wish old Tim was here!” Not bad, huh? ”Gees, I wish old Tim was here!”
He wanted to beat him up so he could get that rum Mim offered them before. That's how hard up they were for a drink. But they wouldn’t really have beaten up the old man.They respect their elders in the bush, not like a lot of people these days. There're a lot of characters out there walking around. It makes you miss the old days.