World first: Valley set to become SFA

Yodelling up the Valley will soon be a thing of the past.
Any form of singing for that matter. As well as laughter, shouting, raucous greetings and the like.
Any loud human noise, in fact – regardless of the orifice from which it is emitted – will be banned when Brisbane's Fortitude Valley is declared SFA – a Sound Free Area.
The SFA is believed to be a world city planning first and, on the eve of crucial municipal elections, is a feather in the cap for the Labor-controlled Brisbane City Council.
It's also a tremendous boost for the Sunshine State capital, still the only city in the world to have hosted a World Expo and the Brisbane Exhibition in the same year.
Other big city planning authorities around the world are expected to rush to study the SFA concept, which proves that high density residential living and a modern, pulsing cosmopolitan city can go hand in hand.
On top of recent restrictions on live music in Valley venues (see separate story, this issue) the SFA will ensure The Valley becomes one of the quietest metropolitan areas in the world – and a mecca for residential development.
Not only will noisy people be targeted under the SFA – perhaps the biggest crackdown is the total elimination of all traffic noise.
Under the SFA, private and commercial vehicles will still be allowed into The Valley, but only if their engines are switched off first.
Drivers will only be allowed to restart their motors once they have exited the SFA on the other side.
The SFA decision follows complaints by local residents – especially those in several of the Valley's upmarket, poorly sound-proofed and ridiculously overpriced boutique apartment blocks – over the extent of traffic noise on the area's busy thoroughfares.
One of those who campaigned hard against the constant hum of traffic was Colonel Pompy Asthwith (retired) of the Sun Apartment block on the corner of Brunswick and McLachlan Streets.
"We couldn't believe how noisy those streets were until we moved in here," shouted Colonel Asthwith (retired) in his unit overlooking the Valley's rusty yet oddly attractive turn-of-the-century commercial roofline.
"No-one had the decency, old chap, when we forked out big bikkies for this unit, to tell us that damn blasted cars would be going up and down Brunswick and McLachlan Streets making a damn awful dim," he shouted to The Bug.
"I remember the day I turned to my good wife as we lay in bed (retired) at 8pm our first night here and I shouted: 'Darling, are we going to take this lying down?'.
"The council's SFA decision is absolutely marvelous; I just knew with a bit if grassroots community campaigning the Valley would be SFA sooner or later."
In a world exclusive, Brisbane City Council Traffic Division chairperson Councillor Maureen Hayes explained the SFA concept to The Bug.
She admitted the Valley SFA, to come into effect on April 1, would require a large amount of traffic re-routing.
And she warned motorists would need to be patient until they became used to the Valley being SFA.
"Naturally, enough, we don't expect drivers to get out and push their cars through the Valley SFA.
"So roads in the Valley area will be redirected to allow all vehicles to roll quietly through under the forces of gravity and go peacefully on their way."
Ms Hayes outlined the major traffic direction changes needed for the historic SFA to succeed.
• Ann Street traffic flow will be reversed so it runs downhill.
• Gipps Street leading off the Story Bridge will also become one-way down hill.
• Brunswick Street from the top of the hill near Robertson Street will run one-way down to the Ann Street corner.
• The northern end of Brunswick Street, from St Pauls Terrace to the Valley Mall, will be one way to run into Wickham Street, which remains one way down hill.
• St Pauls Terrace will be one way north bound to the hollow just past the Jubilee Hotel.
• The multi-storey car park in the Chinatown Mall, made useless because of all its up-ramps that require engine power, will be redeveloped into a series of overpriced and poorly designed boutique apartments; and
• Hamilton Road, Chermside, will stay where it is.
Ms Hayes said the best way to understand the new system would be to imagine yourself as a southside driver coming into The Valley.
"As soon as they come over the highest point on the Story Bridge proper, they will cut their motors as directed by the large, illuminated "Please switch off your motor now" signs.
"People wanting to transit through the Valley will then roll down McLachlan Street, where they will be allowed to restart their engines down on the flat at the corner of James Street.
"Alternatively, a motorist wanting to stop in the Valley for a quiet night out will simply roll their car straight down Gipps Street and steer right into Ann or Wickham Streets. Parking bays along those streets will be lengthened to overcome any problems associated with not being able to reverse park in the Valley SFA."
Other "Please switch off your motor now" signs will be conveniently placed at all major entry points to the SFA.
Councillor Hayes said motorists and commercial drivers coming into the city from the northside would travel up Bowen Bridge Road past the Royal Brisbane Hospital, where patients were used to noise anyway because of the Saturday night speedway fireworks, and turn right into Water Street and up past the residential areas near Spring Hill that were only Housing Commission flats where rents were cheaper.
The Valley SFA decision is expected to be a boon for developers behind the revamped McWhirters Building, where a large number of over-priced and poorly-designed boutique apartments are planned.
Colonel Asthwith (retired) said the victory over noisy cars had come on the heels of residents' successful campaign to have the Valley's nightclubs curb their noisy late-night entertainment.
"No-one had the decency, old chap, when we paid big bikkies for this unit, to tell us that that damned Empire Hotel next door would have people in it, drinking at night and listening to long-haired musicians making a damn awful dim," he shouted.
"Such a nice name for a hotel, too."
Colonel Asthwith (retired) said the advent of the Valley SFA had come at a time when he had almost lost faith in the concept of high-rise living in big cities.
"Glad and I have had wretched luck, old chap, trying to find a quiet spot for our retirement years.
"After my service years ended, we first bought this beautiful unit near Milson's Point in Sydney. Ripping views of the harbour, what!
"Then the very first day we moved in, they started up that blasted Luna Park roller coaster right outside our front window.
"Well, we were flabbergasted. Right past our balcony the wretched thing rolled.
"No-one had the decency, old China, when we paid big bikkies for that unit, to tell us that the roller coaster would have people in it all day, screaming their heads off and making a damn awful dim," he shouted.
"So we moved to Queensland and bought a really nice apartment at Broadbeach at Surfers Paradise.
"By joves, you could have knocked us both over with a feather the first night we moved in and (retired) for the night and had to cope with that roaring surf just outside our window.
"Boom crash. Boom crash. Every flippin' minute.
"No-one had the decency, old stick, when we paid big bikkies for that unit to tell us that damn surf would roll in night after bloody night making a damn awful dim," he shouted.
"We got in a private outfit that did some sound monitoring tests and the gauges went through the roof! Cost us a packet.
"We complained to the Gold Coast City Council but they just turned a deaf ear to our plight.
"As far as we know, the Pacific Ocean is just as noisy as ever."
Colonel Asthwith (retired) said that once the SFA had silenced all traffic noise, authorities could then concentrate on the area's many eateries.
"No-one had the decency, dear boy, when we paid big bikkies for this unit, to tell us just what a damn awful dim people make when they're dining out," he shouted, pointing out the Latin Restaurant down on the corner as a typical offender.
"Cutlery scraping. Chairs being moved. People ordering things all flippin' night.
"A pig sty at feeding time would have better manners."
Colonel Asthwith (retired) terminated our interview suddenly after checking his wristwatch.
"By joves," he exclaimed. "Is it 7.30 already? Sorry, dear heart, but it's time I retired."