DRUGS FURORE: BOLTS TO RE-SIGN

The Brisbane Bolts club has asked its top players to re-sign their lucrative contracts to overcome an embarrassing hitch in the JDG’s campaign to clean up the sport’s image.
The move follows the JDG’s inability to discipline the team’s centre-forward thruster, Tommy “The Tumour” Cloaca, for allegedly using a banned performance-enhancing substance.
The JDG discovered that its jurisdiction only covered the period after the new JDG was formed from the merger of the old JDG and the Star Picket League,” said acting chief executive officer of the Bolts, Terry Verandah.
"Apparently all the contracts signed with the JDG are worthless in a legal sense because players are now signed with the JDG.
"I tried to explain the situation to the team this afternoon, without much success.
"So, we locked them in the club rooms – away from their lawyers – and asked them to sign new playing contracts that will enable the JDG’s policy to be enforced.”
Cloaca, who missed the most recent State of Conception series after being admitted to a Brisbane psychiatric hospital, was charged last week with using a banned substance, namely Draino.
The star player, best known for singlehandedly demolishing the clubhouse of the corresponding female division's reigning premiers, the Launceston Labias, during a promotional visit only days after a referee’s decision went against the Bolts in an October 1996 play-off, underwent a urine test during the Bolts v Perth Priapics game last month.
Cloaca’s urine sample, collected by JDG medical staff while he used the recently introduced sideline “relief post”, indicated the presence of the freely available household cleaning product which players have been banned from using since the infamous “scorched earth” test match against New Zealand in May 1993.
Late last night, Verandah said most Bolts players had signed new contracts and had undertaken to abide by JDG rules governing banned substances, including the contentious new provision, Rule 984.7 (viii), outlawing the “consumption, ingestion or transplantation of genetically altered tissue”.
"Some of the boys had a query about that bit,” he said.” "But they all seemed happy enough when we explained that on our best advice, the term ‘tissue’ does not cover animals bred specifically for a sports medicine purpose.”