Leo
You die of a massive Viagra overdose and they bury you in a square coffin.

Capricorn
By paying for this weekend's groceries with your Diners Club, you are now only 3000 frequent flier points from a business-class flight to hell and back.

Gemini
Just days after the Aussie dollar slips under US60c, you can't believe your luck when down at your local pub you meet an absolute idiot prepared to give you $14 for every $20 you've got in your wallet.

Taurus
You win an international shitting competition in your sleep.

Cancer
It had never really dawned on you just what an absolute loser you are until you spend the entire night not only dreaming the perfect Hollywood meteorite diaster movie script but waking up next morning remembering every word as well.

Virgo
You lie awake in bed all night wondering what, if Pauline Hanson has been voted the 100th sexiest woman in the world by English magazine, FHM, the 101st must look like.

Saggitarius
You lie awake in bed all night wondering if the box of Fantales you ate at the cinema earlier in the evening were as out of date as the wrappers they came in.

Peter Beattie
You suddenly realise that you would already be Queensland Premier by now if the Australian Labor Party had dumped its ridiculous "Today's Labor" election slogan and gone with your suggestion of "Peter's Friends".

Libra
You start to feel a little disillusioned because it's now more than two weeks since you voted for One Nation in the Queensland election and that Vietnamese family is still living across the road.

Scorpio
You buy a Scratch-It! ticket at your local newsagent and find you owe the Golden Casket office $7.

Pisces
After more than 30 years paying $48 a month through World Vision to sponsor a dirt-poor Iraqi teenager, you finally receive a heart-felt thank-you note translated by aid workers into English and a 10" by 6" glossy colour photo of a grateful Saddam Hussein.

Aquarius
An avid sports fan and renowned couch potato, you can't make up your mind whether to watch the World Cup soccer from France or the Wimbledon tennis from London so you go for a long jog instead and promptly drop dead.

Another Leo
Deeply depressed after your long-term lover leaves you for a real man, you commit suicide by jumping off Brisbane's William Jolly Bridge 24 times.