Dear Morrie,
I am an officer, a rather senior one, with the Federal Police.

I have always prided myself on my professional acumen. One of the big cases I cracked a few years back involved the counterfeiting of vast sums of Australian banknotes. The money – almost exact replicas of $30 bills – were to be flooded onto the market in early May, just in time to create havoc at the end of that financial year.
Luckily, by applying my detective skills, this was narrowly avoided. So, as you can see, I’m no pushover.
But, a few years back, I was approached by one of my colleagues and told of an opportunity to invest a considerable amount of money in a scheme which claimed to be providing a 50 percent return to investors.
Many of my fellow officers invested in the scheme. After discussing the possibility with my wife, we decided to go ahead and invest. We effectively staked a large portion of our life savings and future superannuation payouts on the scheme which, unfortunately, has now gone “belly up”.
It has since transpired that the scheme was run by a fellow who had already gone bankrupt some years back and had a history of over-extending himself financially and encouraging others to do the same.
Is there any way we can get our money back?
By the way, I seem to vaguely recall your name from somewhere. Have we met before?
Regards,

Out of Pocket
Fig Tree Pocket,
Brisbane

Dear Out of Pocket,
I meet lots of people who think they can recall my current name, but they are generally mistaken.
Unfortunately, you and your wife – as well as your professional colleagues – are the victims of a basic flaw in Australia’s financial system.
Our population of fewer than 20 million is simply too small to support for any length of time a scheme such as the one in which you invested. In a market with a larger potential investor population, I am sure such a scheme would not collapse nearly as quickly.
To answer your most pressing question, yes, I can help you get your money back.
I am most concerned that schemes such as the one through which you’ve lost so much of your money are giving all investment advisers a bad name.Therefore, a few weeks ago I formed a new organisation to put a stop to fly-by-night schemes and the people posing as qualified financial advisers.
If you want my new organisation to take up your case and try to recover your funds, just send me a cheque for, say, $80,000 to $100,000.
Make the cheque out to Citizens Against Scamming Hucksters. Bugger it, to save your time and mine just mark it CASH.

I’ll be in touch,
Morrie.

Morrie Bezzle is chairman of Barrier Reef Oil Exploration (Raratonga) NL, and a director of Flying High Ostrich Farms Pty Ltd. The publisher and staff of The Bug take no responsibility for the advice provided in this column.