Dear Doctor Dick,
I've woken up this morning with a rash all over my face and several blisters developing on my lips. What do you think it could be?

Concerned
Deception Bay. Q.

Doctor Dick replies: Relax. It's probably just someone you ate.

Dear Doctor Dick,
I am a gay man and have been dating a older man for about six months. I am the bottom in the relationship and we have had a very satisfying sexual relationship, but the other day he brought up the fact that he would like to urinate inside of me. Normally we have protected sex and I only let him ejaculate on my chest or on a cloth. What I’m wondering is what would could happen if he did urinate inside of me cause I am kind of interested? Thank you for your answer.

Pee
April 29

Doctor Dick replies: Yes, it does sound like it could be a wee bit of fun at that. And nothing beats a warm enema on a cold night, I've ... ah ... heard some people say. But, as you point out, there's always a downside. Disease risks aside, presumably this is one of those activities when most of the pleasure would be in the receiving, not the giving, so I suppose you could be grateful that he's so considerate. But then, if for health reasons alone, you make your lover wear a condom while he enjoys this activity, bangs goes some of the excitement for the wee-ee. And how are you going to get the condom out afterwards. It'd be like trying to push a balloon full of water into an oyster bottle – and how many people have succeeded at that? Exactly. Whatever you decide, put your health first - that should always be the bottom line. If you are satisfied that the exercise is disease-risk free, there should be no serious medical repercussions unless he is a heavy consumer of asparagus in which case your rear end - and anything emerging from it - may smell like the Rocklea Markets for several days. In addition, this practice does give rise to some ticklish sensations – so I am told. You need to be aware of that in advance; otherwise if you start laughing your partner may think you are taking the piss out of him.

Dear Doctor Dick:

My problem is that my girlfriend likes to give me oral sex and I like it but naturally she expects me to return the favour, but I can’t stand giving her oral sex. What is the problem? Can you help?

BJ
May 5

Doctor Dick replies: Some women think there’s something fishy about a man with your problem. They think if they perform oral sex on you, then they automatically deserve it in return. They fail to consider that there's a world of difference between a clean, healthy penis lovingly washed up to 10 times a day with soaps, shaving cream, oil of ulan, Morning Fresh and other cleansing agents, and the multi-layered, deep folded multi-tasking, dark and foreboding cavern that is your average human vagina. Naturally, all the hairy-legged feminist ballcutters ignore this basic difference in anatomy. But if you asked them to thrust their face inside the outlet pipe at the metropolitan abattoir once a month, they'd start screaming blue murder and sexual harassment. Look, let's face facts. Some men like doing this sort of thing - these guys are easy to spot because they've generally been married a number of times – and then there are people like yourself who find the hole process abominable and who usually live alone and are called confirmed bachelors. I can only suggest that you try to dissuade your girlfriend from asking you for oral sex by performing it really badly. Instead of gently licking or tonguing, try biting, gnawing, coughing or even pretending to play the trombone part from the theme from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. She’ll soon decide to seek her pleasure in other avenues – probably in other postcodes with other guys. But, hey, your problem will be solved.

Dear Doctor Dick,
My girlfriend left me because my dick was too big and it always split her open and she had the skin on her lips crack open. The doctor said she didn’t have any STD or anything.

JB
May 7

Doctor Dick replies: I find your claims hard to swallow.

Dear Doctor Dick,
I have a question about my penis that no-one seems to be able to answer. I have what I have heard referred to as “hair bumps” on my penis, especially at the base of the shaft on the underside. I can’t remember when they first appeared, maybe seven years ago, as small white/yellowish bumps which do seem to occur at hair follicles. Some near the base actually have a hair growing from them, others lack the hair, but can be squeezed like a zit, and a “whitehead” will push out. My question is, what are these things? I saw a urologist once about two years ago for a testicular injury and I asked him and his answer was: “Oh, just sebaceous cysts”. Is there such a thing? I have been unable to find any information on such a condition. Also, the bumps have slowly spread up my shaft over the last few years (where absolutely no hair grows) and now a few are about an inch from the
head and appear on all sides of the penis. During recent encounters with women, the appearance of these bumps has caused alarm despite my denials of herpes or genital warts. Do you have any information on this condition for me? I would really appreciate a response.

RD
May 9

Doctor Dick replies: You can do one of two things to ease your mind on this matter. Either get a second expert opinion or have sex only in the dark.

Dear Doctor Dick:
One of my buddies was bragging about how his thing grew after using one of those vacuum pumps for a few months. Does it really work? Is it safe?

SMP
May 25

Doctor Dick replies: Knock off the Larry Olivier impressions, okay? Now, to answer your question, you should be wary of paying big dollars for a mail-order vacuum pump that may not work. Before splashing out on one, why not try the Hoover or Electrolux that’s just sitting in your cupboard or under the stairs doing nothing for most of the week. Of course, you’ll need to use it fairly constantly so an extra long electrical extension cord is a must unless you want to be forever plugging and unplugging it as you move about your house. Also, you’ll need to have a good excuse ready for the neighbours if they ask about your constant house cleaning efforts.

Dear Doctor Dick:
Do you think the dick enlargement tube works on men who want to have a larger penis for better sex pleasure?

RS
April 24

Doctor Dick replies: I’m uncertain about men, but I understand many women find the tube provides better sex pleasure - but only if used instead of a penis.

Dear Doctor Dick:
I’m a young woman, single, and extremely horny...(no bashfulness here!) My question is, how do I bring myself to an orgasm? I mean it feels good when I rub myself, or slip a finger inside, but how do I actually get that orgasm?

Frustrated Lana
April 18

Doctor Dick replies: You need to consider enrolling in one of my Dr Dick’s Specialised Sex Workshops. They are held once a week and involve intensive one-on-one theoretical and practical sessions on sexual technique. Bookings are usually quite heavy and the waiting list is very long. But in your case, I believe urgent attention is necessary. Please contact my receptionist and I’d be pleased to lend a hand.

Got a sex problem that needs fixing? Doctor Dick can help.
Address your questions to Dr Dick, P.O. Box 696, Fortitude Valley. Q. 4006, or drop him an e-mail.