Gosper
Although in public you pretend to be angry, you realise being called greedy, obstinate, selfish, pompous, egotistic and a reptile is a perfect CV for succeeding Juan Antonio Samaranch as head of the IOC.

Virgo
You receive a threatening letter from Richard Branson.

Saggitarius
You lie awake at night wondering why commercial FM radio stations put to air promotions claiming they give listeners “today’s hits” and immediately follow them with a “three-in-a-row” kicked off by John Mellencamp’s 1982 number one Hurts So Good, followed by Minute by Minute by the Doobie Brothers from 1979 and ending with Pat Benatar’s 1983 favorite Love is a Battlefield.

Aquarius
You cannot believe your luck when walking down a dark laneway late at night carrying a 1.8kg cricket bat, you meet the program designer from Microsoft who invented that little paper clip guy who appears every time you type the word “dear”. Shit, there he is. Fuck off.

Libra
You receive no replies to the letters you wrote to several high-flying acting superstars offering to swap jobs after hearing them complain in interviews about how hard they work shooting one, two or maybe three movies a year. You decide perhaps you should have made your job as a grease trap cleaner sound a little more attractive.

Gemini
Ngx ktqsolt ngx dxlz rg dgkt ziqf pxlz lioyz zit atnl oy ngx vqfz zg rtctsgh q atnwgqkr of qshiqwtzoeqs gkrtk.

Translation
You realise you must do more than just shift the keys if you want to develop a keyboard in alphabetic order.

Cancer
An unusual haemorrhoidal growth enables you to play the complete 1812 Overture using the flatulence emitted in just one visit to the toilet. As a result, you decide to embark on a world recital tour.

Capricorn
No milk today, thanks.

The little Greek-Aussie sheila shunted sideways by Gosper greed.
The head of the Australian diplomatic service writes to say you have a job as soon as you finish your formal schooling.

Nigel Parodi's body
Police pump 25 rounds into you just to be on the safe side.

Sydney vagrant
When you jokingly suggest to your derro mates in Hyde Park that you might kick off a free afternoon tabloid paper, three men in pin-striped suits come up, annonce they are from the Fairfax Group and hand you a cheque for $2 million on the proviso that you sign a statutory declaration that you'll scrap the newpaper plans for good.

Sports writer
You are accused of spanking a young man, causing actual bodily fluids.