Missus's money sadly missed

PARRAMATTA played one awful half of football, robbed The Bash of a $600 payout and now must wear the perepetual Greg Norman League Trophy.
For every Parramatta player, that’s a bull mastiff-sized dog collar, made of clay and engraved with the one word that needs no further explanation: CHOKERS.
I won’t dwell on that topic any longer as the tears will make my writing more illegible than normal.
Suffice to say The Bash, with a missus with more money than she can hide, will be back to have a lash at The Eels against next.
Jason, Jason, Jason! Please don’t break our hearts next year.
Now, onto matters more pressing that spilt milk, and The Bash presents his key man-on-man preview of the Saints/Illawarra-Storm/Storm/In/A/Teacup grand final.
True league fans, by now you are probably wading eyebrow deep in bullshit from pisspot-poofta-bimbo leek experts about how the big game's gonna pan out come late Sunday arvo.
So you might as well get it right by taking these serious match-ups straight from The Bash.

ST GEORGE/ILLAWARRA/BATEMANS BAY/VIC BORDER

Fullback: Luke Patten, 19
Strength: Can run a bit. Can be an absolute dill in defence. Great kick return if he can catch the fucking thing. Is an 18 point player. You just gotta hope it’s 12 points for your team and six he gives away to the opposition and not the other way around.
Rating: between -3 and 8 out of 10, depending on the day.
Winger: Nathan Blacklock, 23.
Every team now has a pseudo Californian air-head wanking sports motivator in their team. So whenever a player makes a monumental blunder, he is a hero so it won’t worry him. Nathan Blacklock errors have cost the Dragons three tries in the last two matches. But he’s got more pats on the bum than at a gay mardi gras. Potentially a game breaker, but recent form is woeful
Rating: 6/10.
Centre: Paul McGregor, 31.
Anybody with the moniker of “Mary’’ would wanna be able to play a bit. McGregor has single-handedly torn apart better sides than Melbourne. If he’s on fire, the scoreboard will be ticking over faster than a Sydney cab driver’s metre. But the flame has not shone recently.
Rating: Potentially 11/10. Probably 5/10.
Five-eighth: Anthony Mundine , 24.
Wonder what the Black Muslim Man thinks about his honky team-mates calling him Choc. Queenslanders find Mundine easy to hate which is fitting as he is the greatest five-eighth since Wally Lewis. And all of NSW hated Lewis. Mundine is God; only God makes more mistakes.
Rating 9/10.
Prop Chris Leikvoll, 23.
It sounds like lightbulb, and he is one of the few bright sparks among the bash and barge props that are a blight on the modern game. Can actually pass a ball. Let’s hope his coach does not persuade him that sort of thing is not on.
Rating 7/10.
Hooker: Nathan Brown, 26.
If the Man is God, Brown is The Holy Spirit with his magical power of instant decision making.
Rating 8/10.
Second row: Lance Thompson, 21.
Fatty Vautin reincarnated. Has the guts of Buddha. If Melbourne make a mistake in centre field, you can bet Thompson will be there to swoop.
Rating 8/10
Interchange. Brad Mackay.
Isn’t it great, true league fans, to see a man playing the best football of his career on heart. The Bash wants to see the Dragons do it for Brad.
Rating 8/10.

STORM/IN/A/TEA/CUP

Fullback: Robbie Ross, 24
There are four great mug-lair fullbacks in the game. Of Peachey, Silva Lockyer and Ross, Robbie Ross is the one I would most like to have my life riding on. Near faultless under the high-ball, as a defender and runner.
Rating 8/10.
Winger Marcus Bai Bai, 26.
An older version of Luke Patten. You hope he scores more points than he gives away. Can be inspirational.
Rating - see Luke Patten.
Five-eighth: Matt Geyer, 24.
Amazingly gifted and dangerous player, which is no surprise seeing he is the brother of the greatest statesman in Australian history. A real danger man.
Rating: 9/10.
Half-back: Brett Kimorley, 23.
The past has shown that you can put Kimorley off his game. But the whole of Parramatta could not do it last week. The scoreboard should have read Kimorley, 18 Parramatta 16. Little shithead, I don’t want to talk any more about him.
Rating 8/10.
Lock: Tawera Nikau, 32.
Sprighlty bastard for 32. Elusive pricks like Nikau were the bane of solid props like The Bash, when I was in the twilight of my career at 44.
Rating: 8/10.
Prop: Glen Lazarus, 33.
Thick as a Brick is one of those sour humourless, work-as-hard-as-me captains that forwards say they are inspired by. Secretly they loath them. But The Bash, I openly loathed them. And slipped them the hospital pass at every opportunity.
Rating: 7/10

Now, how to work out the winner.
To work out which team will win, just.........
1. Add up the points of the danger men.
2. Take the product of the square root of the remainder.
3. Aw, fukkitt, put the house on the Dragons.
I was speaking of motivational wankers before. I would therefore like to share some true motivation with Dragons coach, David Waite which he can pass on to the players.
Professional golfer, John Daly is drinking and gambling again, which has cost him an endorsement with Callaway Golf that had been his primary source of income.
“It’s sad, but I think it’s great to be free,’’ Daly told this week's Golf World magazine.
“Granted, I could go out and lose everything gambling and drinking, but there’s no sense in denying it. It’s in my blood.’’
If the inspirational words of John Daly cannot lift the Dragons, nothing can.

Copulata,
The Bash