Aviation news:
Bonking set to take off

By Aviation Reporter
Mark Overflight

First it was Virgin Airlines, lured into Premier Peter Beattie's boudoir by some smooth taxpaper-funded pillow talk. Now Brisbane is set to cement its reputation as a major world aviation hub with yet another airline deciding to set up its HQ here.
Bonking Airlines is set to take a flying leap into the aviation business next month and is expected to give Virgin Airlines a real touch up in luring paying passengers to its cut-price services.
“Our slogans – We do give a flying fuck – for first, the business class and – We know the quickest root – for our economy passengers show just how different we're going to be to the Virgin way of doing things," Bonking Airlines CEO Maurice Bezzle (no relation to Bug financial adviser Morrie Bezzle) said.
"By year's end we hope to be all over Virgin. Besides, we think passengers are going to think twice about flying with an airline that boasts it's never got it off! Who do they think they are? Qantas?"
The concept for Bonking Airlines came about through the carnal adventures of two British high-fliers, complete strangers, who were sacked from their respective jobs amid world-wide media attention for joining the mile high club in seats C20 and FU04 on British Airways journey QX 694U between Miami and Ulan Bantor.
“They’d be welcome on Bonking Airlines – they sound like just the people we're trying to atttract," Mr Bezzle said.
The airline's entry into the marketplace would mean a tourist boon for the State of Excitement, he added.
"The last six rows on any of our flights will have those old canvas seats from the Brissie cinemas of the post war period. It will be incredible nostalgia for our silver-haired passengers hoping to rekindle the old passions."
At least half of all other seats would be made over to full length beds, and the Bonking Airlines interior – for starters, the airline will operate a converted Dakota out of a WWII igloo at the old Brisbane aerodrome – would boast wall to ceiling mirrors and leopard-skin livery. The other seats would face the beds 'for those who like to watch'.
"We even plan to offer Las Vegas style in-flight marriage ceremonies for religious people who prefer to delay the big moment until they're wed.
"And quicky Mexican-style divorces on our longer hauls if things don't work out.”
Mr Bezzle said that while his no-frills-but-heaps-of-thrills approach meant no hot meals or cuppas on Bonking flights, both female and male flight attendants would offer a range of 'other services' for discerning, paying adult passengers.
But he vehemently denied claims that Bonking Airlines was an elaborate front in an attempt to circumvent Queensland’s prohibitive prostitution legislation.
Mr Bezzle said the fledgling airline's legal advisor Warwick Legstrong had assured him the flights were “legit, the grog sales ridgie didge and the roulette wheels worth a motza.”
“Besides, Qantas and Ansett are boring with their plastic meals and tired old American sitcoms. You should see our videos!”
Bonking Airlines intended to offer special Queensland-themed flights including:
* The good as gold flight where XXXX condoms were handed out instead of
earphones
* the rough end of the pineapple flight
* the Julian O’Neill special
* the Akubra and the whipcream delight; and
* the Broncos' nine seconds of glory ride.
Some flights would also deliberately seek out pockets of air turbulence 'for people who like to be roughed up a bit'.
Mr Bezzle said Bonking was another great moment in Australian aviation history following the Royal Flying Doctor Service, Hinkler, Kingsford Smith, the foundation of Qantas and all those Ian Botham incidents from a decade ago.
Similarly, he predicted the advent of Bonking would trigger the State’s greatest tourist boon since former Premier Joh Bjelke-Petersen gave entrepreneur Christopher Skase the Port Douglas and Surfers Paradise beachfront for the establishment of Mirage resorts for a peppercorn rent.
A public float was 'on the cards' and likely investors already included a number of quite senior Queensland police officers, the estate of the late Hector Hapeta and a number of colourful Gold Coast racing identities.
A government spokesperson said Premier Beattie had known all along that favourable payroll tax breaks and other incentives to Virgin Airlines would have almost immediate beneficial flown-on effects for all Queenslanders.
"He was always confident that as soon as Virgin was up and running, Bonking was sure to follow soon after."