Dear Doctor Dick,
I have a penis ? I hope you can answer. Lately I’ve noticed “spots” on my penis, but they aren’t white. They are like freckles. I noticed one about a month ago, and since then have gotten more. Almost like a small round discolouration. Do you have any idea what this is? I haven’t found any info that is helpful on the net thus far. Thanks for your time.

Josh
April 6

Doctor Dick replies: Shit, Josh, if you don’t know if you’ve got a penis from where you’re standing, what do you think my chances are from this distance? Hey, only Joshing! I knew the ? stood for question. Look, I’m willing to attempt to address your query but please be reminded I am first and foremost a trained clinical sexual dysfunction psychologist. If you have any concerns with those spots, go to your GP immediately. For example, you seem to think it would have been okay if these spots were white. White spots could be very very disconcerting to someone of aboriginal or Negroid extraction. But here are some general thoughts on such matters. The fact is: far too many men pay too much attention to their penis and what it looks like. Believe me, in my career, I’ve seen literally hundreds of thousands of the things, the large bulk of them in my treatment rooms – and not all of them pretty. I always liken situations like yours to whale watching. Now, at first blush that might sound odd. But consider this: whales are considered to be one of the biggest and most beautiful of creatures. And they are. But, have you ever been up close to one? I went whale watching with my good friend Mimi McPherson in Hervey Bay, Queensland, Australia, one weekend last year. I’ve got the video if you want to see it. It shows these massive yet sleek creatures erupting out of a calm state to cavort before spurting wildly and collapsing back into the deep. A fascinating sight all round. But where was I? Oh, yes, the whales. When these so-called beautiful creatures come closer to your boat, you see they are covered in a variety of ugly, crusty and bulbous eruptions and adhesions. So, Josh, don’t worry about the odd spot or freckle on your own “killer whale”. Of course, if you obtain a second opinion and the discoloration turns out to be a symptom of the final stages of penile cancer – requiring immediate amputation – please let me know for future reference.

Dear Doctor Dick,
Would you engage in anal sex with a woman who is using an object to penetrate you. Am I sick in wanting to find men who are into this? It is just that I have heard they like anal penetration. Please advise. Kind regards.

Margaret
April 9

Doctor Dick replies: Yes, Margaret, you are very, very, very sick and while I seldom do house calls, I believe one is urgently warranted in your case.

Dear Doctor Dick,
What is the best way for me to enlarge my dick?

BS
March 1

Doctor Dick replies: !. Crack a fat. 2. Read on.

Dear Doctor Dick,
Jelq (a topic from earlier columns) is an Arab method of massaging the penis by a milking method which is supposed to enlarge it. It is not supposed to be masturbation. Anyway, that is the theory.

RV
March 26

Doctor Dick replies:
Thanks for the useful tip....eh, I mean background information.

Dear Doctor Dick,
I am a married white woman, but I enjoy intercourse with black men with very large penises. Some times their penisis reaches too far and I feel pain. Is there any recommended position that is safe for taking extra long penises?

Mrs T
February 29

Doctor Dick replies: Isn't in bad enough that black men have bigger slongs than us mere white male mortals without being blessed with more than one of the pricks!

Dear Doctor Dick,
Have you ever heard of blood being mixed in with semen during masturbation? Is this bad? I’m quite concerned. Please respond.

A Reader
April 7

Doctor Dick replies:
It might be a good idea for you to consult your own GP about this – and absolutely essential if you are male.

Dear Doctor Dick,
Last October 2 I asked you for your prescription for seducing Aussie babes, me being a native from New Jersey. You replied that I would never enjoy the fruits of Australian womenhood as the sheilas can only be seduced by a fair dinkum true blue. What the heck is a fair dinkum true blue? I’m guessing it’s either a fish or a Kiwi beachboy from the now NZ colony of Bondi Beach. Come clean, Dickmeister. My ex-neighbour and fellow Garden Stater, Tom Cruise, told me he bagged luscious Oz export Nicole Kidman as a result of your secret tutelage of knowledge from the Dreaming Time. I understand Mel Gibson has also sought you out. What’s it going to take for me to make a little mattress music with Kylie Minogue? Please help doc, my fiery loins can only be quenched with a touch of Kylie in the night.

Your pal from Up Top
Jersey Mike
April 10

Doctor Dick replies: Your background research is spot on. Yes, it is true that Australia's leading sexologist has helped former patients Tom Cruise and Mel Gibson to overcome their respective and quite chronic sexual hangups. To such an extent, I might add, that they now have no troubles at all having sex with the women in their lives. But it was only because of their Aussie connections – the former married to a true blue, fair dinkum Aussie three-wheeler; the latter a long-term Antipodean in his own right – that I went to the trouble and not inconsiderable expense of sending both those men milk crates as instant solutions to their sexual shortcomings. Other than that, I’m not about to divulge any more Aussie seduction secrets. The only way you’ll be able to impress our you-beaut Aussie sheilas is to get Down Under, disguise your accent, slap on a pair of stubbies, sweat-stained, unwashed T-shirt and thongs, work on a beer gut, get yet another skinful at one of our traditional outdoor barbies and then work your silver-tongued magic on them in person.

Dear Doctor Dick,
I would like you to fill me in on how to make my girlfriend have an orgasm while I finger her in a movie theatre. Could you help me?

BS
March 22

Doctor Dick replies: I’m impressed with the tender thoughts you’ve expressed so openly for your loved one. After careful consideration of your problem, I can only suggest that a lot may depend on your choice of movie. Always remember that reaching orgasm is not as simple for women as it is for men armed with the ripped-out page of full-colour bra and panty ads from a Myer sale catolgue, a gollied-up palm and 10 seconds to spare. Most women – okay, all women – have to concentrate really hard and focus both on you and what you are doing to digitally assist them to reach sexual fulfilment. It is crucial therefore that you masturbate your lady when a movie is showing that has absolutely no interest to her whatsover and stars someone with no sexual allure or, to pardon the pun, no pulling power. Luckily for both of you, Kevin Costner's latest overlong, hackneyed and corny offering, For Love of the Game, is due to open in Australian cinemas shortly. Your girlfriend should be popping like a champagne cork within minutes of the lights going down.

Dear Doctor Dick,
Hi. Hi! (1.) The colour of my sperm is yellow? What kind of a problem is this? What should I do? (2.) What is the minimum size of the penis? If it is not important, why do you think so? Thanks.

OG
March 13

Doctor Dick replies: Firstly, thank you for your beautiful haikus. Now to your problem. We have a native freshwater fish in Australia called the yellow belly and it sounds like every couple of days you might have too. Unless you always wear glasses with a yellow tint, it might pay to check with your own GP to see whether your jaundiced view on life conceals a deeper-rooted health problem. The answer to your second question is outlined below.

Dear Doctor Dick,
You have an interesting name. I was wondering: if just because a man looks constantly at women and when asked what he thinks about these women he gets nervous, does this mean he is trying to hide something? Or that he is uncomfortable with me inquiring what’s on his mind? We have been married for 20 years now. I would like to think it is not that he is uncomfortable.

Just Wondering!
April 8

Doctor Dick replies: I come from a long line of Dicks – all proud to have carried the name. To answer your question, there is absolutely nothing wrong with your husband. All men – and especially Aussie men – just love women asking them what’s on their mind. I’m sure he'll give you a piece of his own very soon.

Dear Doctor Dick,
I hear my friends and people talk about jerking off and we agreed that we would jerk off but I don’t know how to jerk off and I wanna keep my word. So will you tell me how to jerk off please???

VGM
April 5

Doctor Dick replies: For heaven's sake, guys, pull yourself together!

Dear Doctor Dick,
I am an athlete and a musician. I always get the discomfort of wearing a tight shirt because I have big nipples and they show through it. Is there some kind of treatment for that?

D Man
December 9

Doctor Dick replies:
Yes there is – looser shirts.

Dear Doctor Dick,
Hi. I was wondering how to give a guy head. Can you tell me EXACTLY what to do and how to do it? Is there anything else I need to know?! Write back soon.

Ash
January 12

Doctor Dick replies: It's always nice to receive a request for advice from someone who went through the state school system and is justifiably proud of it. Always remember that because 99.94 percent of men can't do it to themselves, they are always more than happy with any head job you might deign to bestow upon them, even if you well and truly suck at it.

Dear Doctor Dick,
I have been having sex for seven months, and I have not cum once. My boyfriend thinks there’s something wrong with him; I tell him it’s me. So is it him, me or just bad sex?

Kittie
December 31

Doctor Dick replies: Have you considered giving vaginal sex a go for a while?

AND A GENERAL RESPONSE TO A COMMON QUESTION.........

Every day Doctor Dick receives questions from men of all ages on the subject of penis size. These are just a few of the most recent inquiries:

Dear Doctor Dick,
I would like to enlarge my penis and don’t know which methods work the best. Can you give me any info between the pumps, weights, surgery, etc? Is there any hormone therapy available? Thanks for your time.

Vince
April 3

Dear Doctor Dick,
Can you tell me how to enlarge my penis without taking up hours of my schedule and spending a fortune. Please give me some techniques and tips on how to enlarge with my hand.

B.
March 23

Dear Dr. Dick,
I am an 18 year old senior in a high school in southeast Virginia. I am Asian. Naturally, my penis is very short, around 4.25 inches long. I would like to know how to enlarge my penis. It is very important. My girlfriend and I are on the verge of having sex. Please email me back with an answer. Thank you.

Peanut
January 9

Rather than answer all of these queries individually, Doctor Dick has decided to make available his own patented penis ruler. Readers should feel free to use it to settle any doubts they may have about the adequacy of their genitalia. Doctor Dick also suggests you print off and cut out the ruler, paste it to a similar sized piece of stiff cardboard and leave it on your bedside table or carry it in your pocket to help answer any awkward questions your partner or partners may pose.

Got a sex problem that needs fixing? Doctor Dick can help.
Address your questions to Dr Dick, P.O. Box 696, Fortitude Valley. Q. 4006, or drop him an e-mail.