Match-fixing shock robs Aussies of Cup glory

The lingering sweetness of Australia's Cricket World Cup victory last year has suddenly turned very, very sour with the shock revelation that the South African loss in that nail-biting semi-final tie at Edgbaston on June 16 was rorted from the very first ball.

The Bug has obtained secret tapes of conversations between the South African players and a London-based Indian illegal bookmaker known only as Cedric. All voices on the tape, recorded at the South African team's hotel the night before the crucial clash, have now been authenticated by world-renowned voice experts.

South African captain Hansie Cronje: Huh, huh. Yeah. Sure. Okay, Cedric we're all here on speaker phones. Crammed into just the three rooms for security sake like you asked.
Cedric: Very good. So, Hansie.....
Cronje: Make that H, okay.
Cedric: My goodness, yes, so very sorry. Excellent thinking. So who's playing tomorrow, H?
Cronje: Everyone's raring to go, this end.
Cedric: No, I mean who's playing ..... P.L.A.Y.I.N.G.?
Cronje: Yeah. Like a said, everyone. E.V.E.R.Y.O.N.E.
Cedric: Excellent!
Cronje: Yeah, we're going to clean up big time. I was telling the lads they can expect at least 4 each?
Cedric: Maybe six.
Cronje: Great. Hold on a sec. What's that? (third voice indistinguishable) Oh, right. Bobby (gifted super six century maker Herschelle Gibbs) still hasn't got the 3 yet for dropping The Great (Aussie skipper Steve Waugh) when he was on 56 at Headingley the other day like we arranged?
Cedric: It was posted the other evening, I promise.
Cronje: Fair enough. So, run us through the game plan again for tomorrow.
Cedric: Sure. After the Aussies make 213 all out in 49.2 overs, a victory to your team will look a sure bet.
Cronje: A kaffir shoot on a Sunday safari.
Cedric: Eh? Oh yes, right. That's when we get on the first time.
Cronje: And you still want us to be nine runs shy of Boer glory come the final over?
Cedric: That's right.
Cronje: With Where's Your Troosers (SA speedster Alan Donald) and Wouldn't Have A (Lance Klusener) batting?
Cedric: Sure. Now Lance is going to hit the first two balls for four.
Klusener: Shizer! That's a bit of an ask, isn't it?
Cedric: Oooiggppphhtttt! (Victorian speedster Damian Fleming) will be bowling.
Klusener: Any particular part of the ground.
Cedric: Anywhere's fine.
Klusener: Like shooting gazelle when Flemo's on. But are you sure it's going to be him?
Cedric: Don't worry about that. It's all sorted out with Tugger (Aussie skipper Steve Waugh).
Klusener: Who?
Cedric: Sorry, The Great to you chaps.
Klusener: loud and clear.
Cedric: Now this is where I'm going to need a good two minutes to get the juiciest odds possible. I want Where's Your Troosers and Wouldn't Have A to almost get run out on the third ball.
Klusener: No problems.
Donald: Sure.
Cedric: You chaps will have a bit of a chat to calm the nerves and that's when I'll get the longest odds possible on the Aussies going through to Lord's for their eight-wicket win over Pakistan.
Cronje: Sound's fine.
Klusener: Want me to hit the ball to anyone in particular?
Cedric: Yeah, Junior (charismatic Aussie batsman and lightning-reflexed fielder Mark Waugh).
Klusener: Because he's such a good fielder?
Cedric: No. Because he owes me one.
Cronje: Shit, C. Surely you still can't be ticked off that he didn't get into double figures at Headingley like he said he would?
Cedric: Wouldn't you? He cost me .... all of us ..... ar least 30, maybe 32, when he ran himself out for five.
Cronje: Well, don't blame us, we bowled rank half volleys at him as arranged. He's just going through a slump, that's all.
Cedric: A very expensive one.
Cronje: The prick's past it really.
Cedric: Tell me about it.
Cronje: (laughter) He got such a fright when he actually middled one he just took off even though he'd hit it straight to Don't Be So (gifted top-order SA batsman Jacques Kallis). Got to mid pitch and just froze there.
Cedric: Still, you didn't have to run him out. That 30 I dropped was 25 percent yours. Maybe 31.
Kallis: Well I didn't know I was going to hit the stumps, did I? Next time I'll aim for them.
Cedric: Shame you didn't think of that at Headingley.
Cronje: Yeah, right, well, if you're going to keep harping on about Headingley, Bitumened (brilliant South African fielder and strokemaker Jonty Rhodes) says he's still waiting for his 5 and a half for going out for 39.
Cedric: He's joking surely. I dropped at least 8 when he nicked the ball to Junior instead of And Eve (gifted Aussie keeper/batsman Adam Gilchrist) as arranged.
Rhodes: The cherry moved off the seam. I couldn't do a thing about it!
Cedric: Tell that to my bookie!
Rhodes: How the fuck did I know that Oooiggppphhtttt! (former top Victorian speedster Damian Flemming) was going to get one to move off the seam for the first time in yonks?
Donald: Hey com'on guys. Let's try to concentrate here. You know us fasties are as thick as two planks. Run me through this semi again before I forget. This final over ..... I'm the one who gets run out on the fourth ball, right?
Cedric: Yes.
Klusener: Because I don't call him through or he doesn't respond?
Cedric: Both.
Donald: Sounds good to me. Whenever I get stranded half way down a pitch after a shocking mix-up at Test level and I throw my bat away in disgust, I always use my right hand. Want me to keep doing it that way?
Cedric: Good point. I'll get back to you on that after I see what's on offer for a left-handed bat throwdown tantrum. So, is everyone happy?
South African voices: Raring to go.
Cedric: Everyone know what has to be done, your end, The Great .... I mean, Tugger?
Hotel room across town: (Waugh and assorted Australian voices): Yep.
Cedric: And you guys happy with that?
Hotel room near Lord's in London: Muffled Pakistan voices: No questions.
Cedric: No problems, your end, chaps?
Umpires' lounge, Edgbaston's and Lord's: Absolutely spiffing. Top shelf, what.
Cedric: Excellent. Then we're all set then. Just as soon as I run it past the big boys upstairs.
Various voices: The ICC?
Cedric: Richie and the rest of The Channel 9 Wide World of Sports commentary team.