LEO
You often feed a $50 note into poker machines at your local club and then collect all 50 coins immediately so that friends and associates think you're a big winner.

VIRGO
You lie awake in bed all night wondering how come big companies in the building/construction game sometimes get hit with very heavy fines for product price fixing and anti-competition rorts while Qantas and Ansett always get away with identical fare structures and advanced-purchase discount deals that are always exactly the same?

RUPERT MURDOCH
You take just a small amount of comfort from the knowledge that there are tens of thousands of journalists all over the world - both past and present employees – who wish you a very long and painful death from your low-grade prostate cancer.

SAGGITARIUS
Your doctor says you have a heart murmur, and he hasn't as yet been able to work out what it's saying about you.

TAURUS
You can't believe your luck when, walking down a deserted laneway at night and armed with a 3lb cricket bat, you bump into the person who first had the idea of shooting scenes for TV advertisements in a combination of normal and slow motion.

JOHN HOWARD
Your trips to Gallipoli and the western front in France would have helped boost your stocks at home if you weren't such a mean-spirited little prick.

AQUARIUS
Your fears of a television industry conspiracy are confirmed after you buy thousands of copies of TV Week just for the Logies 2000 nomination forms, yet Daryl Somers fails to win in the best new talent category.

TOURIST
The management of the Women’s Weekly World Discovery Tour make you an attractive job offer, but you decide to stay on as Prime Minister even though you recognise the marketability of your organisational talents after turning what was billed as a short trip to Gallipolli for Anzac Day celebrations into a lengthy, multi-destination, international junket.

FORD
You take a closer look at the CV of the designer of the original AU Falcon, only to find he also worked on the HD Holden, the Leyland P76, the Datsun 120Y, the Chrysler Centura and – as a young man working in the USA in the 1950s – the Ford Edsel.

CANCER
Have you forgotten Mal Colston’s address?

QANTAS
Your fears about an inevitable fatal crash involving one of your aircraft is lessened by the knowledge that Australia’s de facto two-airline system means Ansett will be required to deliberately crash one of theirs once one of yours goes down.

CAPRICORN
After police raid your home, confiscate your desktop computer and lay charges, you have extreme difficulty convincing your family lawyer as to how you managed to accidentally downloaded an image from prepubescentnakedcheerleadersdoingthespiltsontopofaglasstable.com.au