It's just not cricket

Dear Morrie,
Is nothing sacred any more? Has the once-proud gentlemen's game of cricket been tarnished forever by the latest accusations of match-fixing being flung at former South African cricket captain Hansie Cronje? You know, Morrie, I guess from your picture that I'm much older than you, so I can remember a time when cricket was played by gentlemen with respect for its ancient laws of fair play and decency. Winning was fine, but playing the game by the rules and in the correct spirit was paramount. Now it seems the game is dominated by people whose only interest is making a quick profit out of the game's fans who are becoming more and more bewildered and disenchanted. Where will it all end? Is there any hope for this once-proud sport?

Bowled over,
Sydney

Dear BO,
Chin up, old chap, I'm sure there is. And what's more, the old Morrie would gladly have a small flutter that Hansie Cronje's going to come out of whatever inquiry they set up to investigate these rorting claims looking sweeter than Greg Chappell at a fancy dress party. No, take a tip from me. I don't know Hansie personally, but I do know a friend of his who reckons it's an odds-on certainty – 7-4 against, in fact – that Hansie'll be cleared of any wrong-doing. And this intermediary has been spot on about Hansie ever since I met him at a business retreat several years ago. Just sidled up to me in the exercise yard and declared he was a bore and proud of it. I actually didn't find him too bad really, although he certainly could talk the stockings off a waitress's legs. He sang Hansie's praises as a person you could bet your life on. I wasn't sure about that but I figured one thing out fast enough: this Hansie had tickets on himself, because this new acquaintance of mine had heard the cricketer was bragging that he was going to score 21, 25 and 34 in a three-match one day series somewhere. Well I had a flutter on that - just a lobster at juicy odds - to test the waters and sure enough Hansie saluted the judges just as he had predicted. I admire people like that who are prepared to back their own skills and judgment. Since that time, I'll admit to some other bad investments but I've always been able to keep my head above water by backing Hansie to back himself. Those South Africans are a cocky bunch alright; I'd known that ever since meeting Kepler Wessels in the change rooms at the Gabba some years ago. So, yes, I'm with you 110 percent on this disgraceful slur against Cronje; the sooner he's cleared the better for international cricket and people who just love to follow the game. Remember, also, that it takes two to tango, and I suspect that this illegal Indian bookmaker who allegedly gave Hansie some dosh will be smellier than a Bombay curry on a late summer's afternoon by the time this scandal is over. I can also understand how someone who's perhaps just a little naive and only wants to play cricket for his beloved country can come under the evil spell of a smooth-talking curry muncher. I had a very unpleasant experience myself once with one of those clowns. I was enjoying a quite afternoon at the businessmen's club when this big black bastard just came over to me, declared his name was Rajeed and slapped a grey nurse of the table and declared: "Have one on me!" Well, I was a bit skint that afternoon - a ATM had gobbled up my credit cards - so I just let this Rajeed shout over and over again. But just before closing, another grey nurse hit the bar and when he said "Just one for the road" I must admit I snapped. "Strewth, Rajeed, how many lap dances do you think a red-blooded male can take in one sitting?" Funnily, my outburst seem to clear the air between us, so he threw a business proposition my way. It turned out he had a big truckload of durries to get rid of, and he wanted to know if I wanted to link up with him and go halves. The old Morrie might be slow in some departments, but his computer brain quickly worked out that a semi-load of durries added up to a lot of cartons at $4 profit a pop, so I said yes. And that's how my short-lived career in the Indian Persian carpet import wholesale business came about. We actually worked well together for a few months, but our monthly Closing Down sales finally bought matters to a head. Rajeed wanted to mark down these beautiful floor rugs from $899 to just $99 and he turned a deaf ear to my protestations that no business could survive on just a 100 percent mark-up. He just kept telling me that our warehouse was just over-flowing with stock and that some of the carpets were getting as old as the children that were making them. Now I hate exploitation of kiddies and I knew our business relationship was over when Rajeed just winked and said "Most of them" when I angrily reminded him that he had promised that all our suppliers' carpet workers were eight or over. I had always suspected that Rajeed's immigration status might have been a bit suss, and someone else obviously had the same idea because Immigration people raided our wholesale outlet the very next day and Rajeed hightailed it out the back and hasn't been seen since. Luckily, I was able to recoup my losses by selling Rajeed's pale-blue Mercedes 600C saloon. But the experience left a bitter taste in my mouth and sufficient experience to be able to view Hansie's current predicament with tolerance and understanding. So much so that I've launched a campaign fund to clear Hansie of these rorting accusations and have him returned to the international arena where he is sorely needed. Now I don't know how long this up-coming inquiry is going to last but I know they tend to hand around longer than a fart in a phone booth. I remember that the Fitzgerald Inquiry in Queensland some years back went so long Morrie started to get homesick. Inquiries take forever and the costs can be horrendous. So that's why I've launched the Cricket's Awful Sans Hansie campaign. I'm asking every cricket lover around the world to dig deep into the old cricket creams and give 'til it hurts. Just post the cheque to me care of The Bug. And please make it payable to the Cricket's Awful Sans Hansie appeal.
Bugger it, to save your time and mine, just mark it CASH for short.
I’ll be in touch,
Morrie.

Morrie Bezzle is principal of Don Bradman Personally Autographed Replica Bats Pty Ltd (in liquidation)
and Australia-wide Gabba Memorial Turf Squares Franchises.
The publisher and staff of The Bug take no responsibility for the advice provided in this column.