Aviation news.......

Qantas safely into damage control

QANTAS has spent a record $700 million – the price of two new Jumbo jets – on a far-reaching program to protect its reputation for safety and reliability in light of a spate of recent mishaps.
The crash program, now almost fully in place, was not activated in time to avoid the most recent mishap involving a Qantas 747 Jumbo jet at Rome Airport.
“The fact our new program wasn’t quiet ready was a crying shame, really,” an airline senior executive who did not wish to be named told The Bug in a world exclusive.
“Our reputation as the world’s least unsafe airline is paramount to us and we will go to any lengths to ensure the international travelling public continues to view us that way.
“We know that as each day passes the chances grow of one of our planes experiencing an unscheduled non-tarmac landing.
“But our passengers and their relatives and friends should be aware that we have now taken all possible precautions and are well prepared to meet that possibility.”
Under the multi-million dollar scheme expected to be operational within weeks, Qantas has trained and stationed field personnel in more than 4000 strategic sites under the airline's numerous international flight paths.
“We now have a well co-ordinated plan that will be swung into action the second we are notified of any zero-altitude involuntarily shortened sector situation,” the executive said.
“We hope the closest field team will reach our aircraft long before any emergency rescue crews and, more importantly, the media.
“The team will spring into immediate action, covering any remaining visible pieces of Qantas livery with massive opaque transfers bearing the insignia of troubled Russian airline Aeroflot, China Air, or any number of brightly coloured, snappily named minor carriers based in the United States.
“Generally, the tail section is all that is left after an airline receives a BBSN call – sorry, that’s airline jargon for 'black box search necessary’ – and our teams have been trained to quickly cover the world-famous flying red kangaroo with Aeroflot, China Air, or Valu-Jet stencils within minutes of arriving at the scene.
“On the off-chance that other aircraft sections have survived the impact, smaller stencils, stickers and transfers will quickly turn the City of Longreach, for example, into the City of Leningrad or the City of Beijing. Any of those smaller red flying kangaroo logos on what's left of the fuselage will quickly become vodka bottles or Panda bears.
“We think it will be a major comfort to the people on that particular flight that the reputation of Australia’s international airline will still be in one piece even if they aren’t."
The executive said it was 'simply rotten bad luck' that the Rome Airport field team had not been ready in time.
“Most Jumbos come down in American corn fields, on jungle-covered mountain tops near major Asian tourist resorts and – strangely enough – very close to American warships on active duty in the Middle East.
“That’s where we have always expected to experience our first unplanned fleet downsize, so naturally we concentrated on getting our field teams ready in such places first.
“You could have knocked our public relations department down with a feather when they heard at lunch of the Rome incident.
“You think you’ve got every contingency covered and the best-laid plans in place and then the wheels fall off.”
The executive said he wanted to make it clear that the installation of the multi-million dollar crash response program did not indicate Qantas expected to lose one of its big jets sooner than later.
"That could be months away," he said. "Even six".
"Maybe more."

Meanwhile, a preliminary Qantas investigation has found that the Rome incident, where the undercarriage of an Australia-bound jet collapsed while taxiing to take-off, forcing one of the plane’s giant engines to strike the tarmac, may have been caused by excessively large speed bumps.
“It is widely known that Rome Airport has by far the biggest speed bumps of any international airport,” an airline source said.
“Why something hasn’t been done about them before is a mystery to us. To put it bluntly, Rome Airport has always been a minor incident waiting to happen.
“This silly little mishap follows last September’s barely worth recalling incident at Bangkok airport where an overseas-built tarmac failed to keep pace with a decelerating, landing aircraft.
“On that occasion, we quickly fixed up some minor damage for less than $100 million.
“Although the final report hasn’t been completed, it looks like the speed bumps may be the culprits.”
But the role of the runway speed bumps is only one of a number of factors being considered as the team investigating the Rome incident looks for a plausible excuse to pitch to the media.
The Bug understands Qantas is also investigating a report that former Queensland Senator Mal Colston, a regular Qantas frequent points flyer, may have been aboard the flight, and that payload personnel may not have ensured sufficient passengers were seated on the opposite side of the cabin to ensure the aircraft's stability and integrity before, during and after flight.

Meanwhile, a Qantas cabin attendant criticised for exhibiting a hostile attitude towards passengers during the incident at Rome Airport says her reaction was natural in the face of what seemed to be imminent death.
Speaking exclusively to The Bug, the attendant – who cannot be identified – said she thought she and all on board the Boeing 747 Jumbo jet were going to perish.
“I guess that’s why I let rip at a few of the passengers,” she explained. “I thought, to hell with it, if these are my last minutes on earth I’m going to tell a few home truths.
“Little did I know the incident wasn’t life-threatening.”
It’s alleged the attendant abused first-class and business-class passengers, calling them “fat-arsed freeloaders”, and actively prevented their early exit from the stricken aircraft.
An eyewitness said the attendant yelled at those “up the pointy end” a string of abuse, including: “None of you cunts is paying for your own ticket so why should you get out first? As far as I’m concerned you can all stay in here and fry.”
The attendant then took a bottle of expensive French champagne from the first-class galley, shook it up and sprayed it over the passengers, saying: “I've only got two wishes: firstly that this was avgas and secondly that I had a light.”
It is also alleged the attendant deliberately punctured inflatable slides attached to doors and emergency exists before pushing several first-class and business-class passengers head first out the aircraft and onto the runway.
Qantas said the attendant would undergo counseling before being transferred as senior cabin manager with Goroko Air, the airline’s subsidiary in Papua New Guinea.