CEO Ziggy Switlowski has been touring regional Australia to defend the telecommunications giant against recently announced massive staff cuts and even more massive profits. The Bug spoke to Ziggy after he addressed a meeting of rural producers and townsfolk in the Queensland city of Charleville recently.

ZIGGY'S FIELD FOLLIES

The Bug: Nice turn out today, Ziggy. What was your overall message to the folk here?
Ziggy: That even with the new lean mean Telstra and a much reduced workforce, we’ll still be providing the standard of services they’ve come to expect.
The Bug: How did that go down?
Ziggy: Well, they presented me with this nice new Akubra. Neat, eh?
The Bug: Yeah, it’s a beauty. So they accepted your assurances?
Ziggy: No, they told me I’d been in the sun too long.
The Bug: Did you give them any guarantees that the Telstra workforce would not be slashed any further?
Ziggy: Sure did. Told them my guarantee on that issue as rock solid as Telstra’s Customer Service Guarantee.
The Bug: Did that swing them around?
Ziggy: Must have. They gave me a second hat. It’s in the car if you want to see it.
The Bug: No thanks. So, we’ll be seeing no more reductions in staff levels anywhere?
Ziggy: None in the bush at least.
The Bug: But isn't that the same thing you told a meeting of city Telstra-based workers just the other day. That the job losses wouldn't be in the city.
Ziggy: Sure did.
The Bug: But isn't that a tad inconsistent?
Ziggy: No, not at all. The message remains the same wherever I go.
The Bug: By the way, that's also a nice bow-tie you've got on there. Goes well with the hat.
Ziggy: Yeah, ta. Beauty isn't it. Velvet with little pink flying pigs on it. My predessor Frank Blount gave it to me when I took up my appointment.
The Bug: We couldn't help but notice that it spins quite fast whenever you're talking about limiting further Telstra staff cuts or ensuring rural services are improved.
Ziggy: Yeah, Frank told me it'd do that.
The Bug: So, no more on-going staff cuts like during Blount's term?
Ziggy: Exactly. There’s no way in the world that I could slash into the Telstra workforce the way Frank did.
The Bug: In such a ruthless and uncaring manner?
Ziggy: No, With an American accent.
The Bug: Still, you must have felt a certain amount of compassion for your workforce when you announced the other day that a further 16,000 staff would have to go.
Ziggy: Yes, I don't imagine anyone would ever know just how badly I feel about that. But those 24,000 jobs have simply got to go if we want to remain competitive in the global marketplace and give those mum and dad investors around Australia a reasonable dividend.
The Bug: Hold on there a minute. ... twenty-four thousand?
Ziggy: Yeah, right. If only.
The Bug: You want to take a break for a few minutes. That bow-tie looks like it's going to take off.
Ziggy: No, fire away. It'll help cool us down.
The Bug: You looked pretty relaxed out there today among the farmers?
Ziggy: That’s right. What did go over really well today was when I told all the primary producers here that in many ways I’m a farmer myself.
The Bug: How’s that?
Ziggy: Any parts of Telstra where the workers have reasonable wages and conditions, I farm them out to outsiders who can pay what they like.
The Bug: And you’re happy about that?
Ziggy: Sure. Look, we live in a global village now and Telstra is all about making a profit so that it’s attractive to investors in the private sector.
The Bug: For those mum and dad investors all around Australia?
Ziggy: For the big international Telecom giants that will eventually buy up all of the shares off those mum and dad investors around Australia.
The Bug: You were quoted last year as saying 17 and 18-year old school students represented the sort of people Telstra should be hiring in the future. Is that because of their computer skills?
Ziggy: Not really.
The Bug: Fresh new ideas?
Ziggy: Junior wage rates mainly: Like at McDonalds.
The Bug: And you were also quoted saying that life-long careers in Telstra could be a thing of the past?
Ziggy: That’s right. I see these bright young people coming onto the Telstra payroll, working brilliantly to help Telstra retain its market dominance and then retiring after a satisfying career with us, sent off with a heartfelt handshake and a plastic watch.
The Bug: Surely you mean a gold watch?
Ziggy: A gold watch for two years' work? Are you crazy? We’re trying to run down a business here!
The Bug: So in summary, you’re confident there’ll be no more staff cuts and no more drops in customer service anywhere?
Ziggy: That’s right!
The Bug: You’re being absolutely blunt with us?
Ziggy: As Blount as I can possibly be.
The Bug: Your bowtie. It's doing it again.